Not Ready

I’m way behind so I’ll try to catch you all up…..
Last week, I drove over 13 hrs to my sisters’ house. By myself….well, and my 3 dogs ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m staying with her until baby boy gets here and I’ve got to say…I’m having some weird feelings. I left my husband and I realized that the next time I am in our home…it will be the 3 of us and our 3 dogs. Wow.

And I got scared.

All of a sudden, I don’t feel ready.

I know that must sound so weird to most of you. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that this is all I’ve wanted and dreamed of my whole life….so I should be more than ready….right??

But that PTID(post traumatic infertility disorder)ย that I’ve talked about sneaks in and I doubt myself as a mother. For almost 5 years, I have been preparing to be a mother but all of a sudden, I feel I’m “not ready”….just not yet.

Baby boy could come at any time now. My sister had her last baby at 36 weeks…and we are past that….

And I’m terrified.

I don’t think I have everything. My husband will need to fly here last minute, because of his job, and I am so scared he will miss the birth of our son. I’m worried for my sister. I don’t want anything to go wrong. I could go on and on……

The more I think about it, I guess these are pretty normal feelings that I should have but I didn’t expect any of them. Especially the “not ready” part….I should be ready after all I have been through…right??

Really, I only expected to feel pure JOY……but there are still those “what if’s”….and until he’s in my arms I think I will continue to feel this way….

Again, he’s not even growing inside of me…that might make me feel a little different if I had a bump or I could feel him kick….maybe that would make me feel more “prepared”? Who knows……..

Oh, this route to parenthood is not an easy one….

but it IS one….and it is MY way…

and I need to embrace it all…

So for now, I will embrace these feelings…..

And in all reality……I know I am ready….

I mean…he is on his way……..could be days, could be weeks…but he will be here and I will be a Mom…

Finally………I am actually going to be someone’s Mom ๐Ÿ™‚


PTID: Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder


I don’t belong.

I’m not part of my infertility group any more…because I’m expecting.

I’m not part of the pregnant women’s group…because I’m not pregnant……even though I’m expecting.


Believe you me…I am THRILLED to be having Baby Joy in a short couple of months(weeks really!!!)….but at the moment, I don’t fit in anywhere.

I think this is one of the things that no one mentions when having to use a gestational surrogate.

When I say, we are having a baby soon…people look at me and question… “But you don’t have a bump?” Nope. “Oh, then you must be adopting?” No. “Then the baby will be your gestational surrogate and husbands DNA?” No. And more questions/statements that I cannot even type out…it goes on and on.

Other than feeling lost…I am trying to understand that this is really happening. It’s REALLY happening.

And I have to remind myself….that it is real.

I know I haven’t updated as often as I would like on here, and once again, I apologize. I wanted to give you all a play-by-play with what is happening…but to be honest with you, even though it’s my own sister carrying our baby, I don’t know everything. She doesn’t live near me. So I try to fly up to as many doctors appointments as I can. Also, she was the one to take the pregnancy test, she was the one to feel Baby Joy kick for the first time, she is the one experiencing it all.

I’m like a cheerleader from the sidelines cheering on their favorite team

I so badly wanted to be a part of that team. But I tried. I did all I could. And it wasn’t meant to be that way.

I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be pregnant…simple as that…and that’s what is happening.

You see what’s really going on….what’s under all of this disbelief and doubt is something called: PTID

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder

Many of you have experienced it for yourself.

~You get a positive pregnancy test, but cannot get too excited because you might miscarry again.

~You have high betas, but you did with your last pregnancy that ended.

~You go to the ultrasound, see the baby, but there is still a chance that something will go wrong.

~You just want to make it to 12 weeks, but you just saw someone lose their baby at 20 weeks and want to wait longer.

The list can go on and on….

See, it’s hard to believe that it’s finally time for something good to happen to you when you have been through so much heartache.

And that’s where I’m at. I want to believe so badly that I will be holding my precious Baby Joy in my arms soon. I WILL be holding him in my arms….but PTID ruins my mind.

I understand that I might be a little more sensitive to this than some but before you judge, please try to walk in my shoes first.

Nothing about infertility is easy. Nothing before, nothing during and nothing after. We are a sisterhood that you can only truly understand if you have been through the same pain and struggle…period.

It bothers me when others find out we are expecting….and expect me to forget the past 4 years of infertility, like it didn’t matter…or it doesn’t matter anymore.

Well, I will tell you one thing. I won’t ever forget. This blog, and you all, my amazing friends that dug me out of deep depressive holes…… I won’t forget it. I guess you could say that Baby Joy would not be here without this blog and the men and women who have supported me throughout this….and now PTID.

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder is real.

I am living it. And it’s ok of you are too. We are in this together.

If you have experienced PTID, comment below and let others know they are not alone…

We will get through this.

(Photo Credit: Brian Rea)