Everything Changes: Encouragement on the Eve of Thanks

Last year at this time….I was lost….I mean, bottom of the barrel…lonely, depressed, lost…
I had been trying to have a baby for over 4 years….
And nothing worked……nothing
So many IVF cycles, failed FET cycles and then…my uterus would just not cooperate…..I was at a low in my life…I didn’t know what I should do next….
I would go for long walks alone often…and many times I would pass smiling mothers pushing their baby carriages/prams….
And it hurt…
I know others happiness should not hurt me…but if I’m honest…it did….because I felt like such an outsider….like it may never happen for me…..
After all of this…would my life ever change? They seem so happy…carefree….will I ever get to experience being a mother? God…will I??
And at the exact moment as I thought those thoughts…a new song came in my headphones…I had never heard it before…from one of my favorite artists……and I will never forget it….
Everything Changes by Sara Barailles…

Here are the lyrics:
Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on him sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you
So many tears fell from my eyes….uncontrollable tears…I felt the song was made for me. It was telling me….everything WILL change…
And it kept me going….it helped me believe when I wasn’t sure I could believe any longer….
One little song…
I’m sure Sara Barailles will never read this…but her words were so powerful to me…
And I want them for you….
My friend reading this….everything will change for you……some day…
You might be at the lowest low you have ever felt…..and I get it…
But remember…everything can change in an instant…in one day
Never stop fighting for YOU…..you are allowed to “give up” on infertility…I did and wrote about it here….
And look at where I am now by “giving up”…..I was able to give my son a chance at life by giving up on my body and have someone else carry him….if I would have kept trying on myself…he probably would not be here today….
When my son was born…I was reborn too….just like the song says……
I feel different…..I truly feel reborn…
And during this holiday season….I simply want to be here for you reading this still battling for your child….as a survivor that made it through…to the other side…
Because I remember….and I will never forget….the pain, the jealousy, the torture, the wait, the patience, the sadness…it all……
And when “everything changes” for you….I hope you can look back and use all of those feelings as strength to show someone else a little love and light to help get them through hard times…
I dedicate this song to my son W….You are more than I could have ever imagined little boy…..
“What did I do to deserve you?….I Thank God for You”
Blessing to you all this Thanksgiving…..

 




So Happy Yet So Sad

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So many times, I didn’t understand….
This life…living with infertility…you ask “why?’ so often…hoping to get an answer…hoping to know what to do next…
But you don’t….
You just keep going..
And now…..fortunately….I am one of the lucky ones…yes, as I type this, I am finally looking at my son. Sure I had to go through numerous doctors, surgeries, IVF cycles, FET cycles and not even being able to carry my own child, having to use a gestational carrier…but he is finally here.
And I am so, so happy…
But then…I can never forget…..there are others…like my dear, sweet friend Isabelle of In Quest of a Binky Moongee, who has literally tried almost everything and just yesterday had her gestational carrier beta and it came back very low.

And I think….why?? Just does not make sense. If you know her story…she deserves this so much. She has also been one of my biggest supporters and that shows grace after all she has been through…she is beautiful and kind and I want to see her holding her child..

Gosh….I know I keep saying this….but I do not get it….

I just want Isabelle to know that she is loved and I will be here for her through it all.

I may be so happy now…but my friend is hurting…..and it’s not right…

I am happy but hurting…did not think it was possible…but it is…

In this community, we are a family…and one of our family members is hurting…please send your prayers and love to her today….thank you all