Answering “Why me?” in 2016….

As 2016 comes to a close tonight……I am humbled…..

For years, I would write about what the new year would hold…2013 I wrote about HERE…2014 I wrote about HERE and 2015 I wrote HERE…..

And in 2016…..I finally got the present that I’ve wished for my entire adult life…….my child.

I still don’t believe it…..

In a weird way…I feel like now, I can’t wish for anything else…because he is here….in my arms….and I don’t want to be “greedy”. I want EVERYONE to have their life dream come true. So if you are reading this and are still in the throes of infertility….I get it. To read about someone else’s happiness(especially when you may be going through one of the hardest times of your life during this holiday season) is really tough. You may think….it’s never going to happen…it seems to happen for everyone else…but not me…..

And boy do I get it….

I never thought this would be the way I would have a child…

It took me a while and it took many unconventional ways to make it happen….

And now, I wouldn’t have it any other way…

I touched on it on my last post...but I want to mention it again…

What I never understood, as I battled infertility, was…….”why me?”

I said it time and time again….waiting for an answer…and for so long I got nothing but bad news after bad news….

And I continued to ask……..”Why me???”

Why was I the one to have a ruptured appendix at age 10 that left me with an overly scarred uterus, only one blocked tube and one barely working ovary?

Why am I the one who is unable to even carry my child….being in less than 1% of the population?

Why am I the one to have all of this, along with a step child…a child that was conceived so easily between two people who seemingly hate one another now? Always a reminder of how easy it is for most…..

Why am I the one?

And now….I ask that same question….but in an entirely different way?

Why was I the one to be blessed with THIS little boy?

He is even better than I could have ever imagined…..

Why me?

And that answer is simple….I had to go through everything I went through for this child to be created….

Numerous IVF cycles, the exact month to retrieve the exact egg and my husband’s exact sperm, my sister offering to carry him for us….

Without infertility…my little boy would not be here…..and that answers why….

If I could’ve only understood that all of those years behind me….

I was depressed…I was lonely…..I was confused…I felt forgotten….

But I was wrong….

And if you are reading this…and you are still battling….realize that something wonderful will happen for you…

It’s happening now…while you are in your struggle….

And there is a reason….a reason for it all….

I know, easy for me to say now,…but again…look at my timeline/life….yep…tons of disappointment after disappointment……..

If you would have told me I wouldn’t even be able to carry my child….I might have said..forget it….

But that’s not how it played out. I had embryos…frozen 2 years before….I needed to give them a chance…

And boy am I ever thankful to have kept going….to accept failure of my own body…keep going….and to trust my gut…….

and someone else’s body with my embryo…..my little guy…

So, if there’s one thing my story can be for you…let it be this….

There is a plan all along…….

The “why me?”……that I asked myself and you may be asking yourself right now as this year comes to a close….

You must believe it will make sense some day…

So “Why me?” ……….well, because…….it HAD to be me……..to get what I have now..this happy, healthy baby…..the baby I was always supposed to have…

And wherever you are with infertility….”Why you?”

I think you know what I’m going to say……..but it HAS to be you….

You will be thankful it was you…you will understand why it’s you….

One day, you will finally be at peace and be able to look into those little eyes and say….

I’m so glad it was me all along…..

I pray you all have a blessed, safe and peaceful 2017!!

 




 

 

 

 

 

An Open Thank You Letter To My Infertility

Dear Infertility,

Well, here we are. We’ve known each other for what 5, 6 years? To be completely honest, when we first met, I didn’t want any part of you. I didn’t know how you found me, where you found me and why you wouldn’t go away. You stalked me. I would ask you kindly to leave me alone…all those years…I asked you to please just go away.

But you didn’t.

I tried everything to lose you. I went to numerous doctors. I had every surgery possible. I did IVF cycle after IVF cycle….then FET cycle after FET cycle…..and you wouldn’t let me “win”.
I saw others beating you….year after year…I saw new bloggers struggling with you…and then on their 2nd IUI they got pregnant….or on their 1st IVF cycle pregnant….or even 3rd, 4th or 5th IVF cycle pregnant…but most of them “beat” you.

But me….you wouldn’t let me win….
So I was forced to look at other options…..all because of you…
You’re probably wondering why this is even a “thank you” letter at all…
Well…you see….I may not have “beaten” you infertility….but I found a way around you…and because of you, I am staring at my beautiful son.
That is why I thank you.

I thank you because every single second of every single day I appreciate my son.
I am a better mother because of you
When he cries…I smile because he is alive…
When he wakes me 3 times a night to feed…I get up because I am finally a mother..
And when he smiles…my heart explodes with a love I never even knew existed..
So that is why I thank you…

I thank you because of this little boy….the exact month for egg retrieval….and exact egg and exact sperm that was needed to create him was because of YOU….
Think about that for a moment….
If I was able to get pregnant easily….this little boy would not be here…a different child would…
It took you, infertility, to force us to create him…
And so I thank you…

I only wish that during those dark times…so many years….when I thought you were working against me…I could see…that you had my best interest in mind…
God knew what he was doing when he introduced you to me…
Wow…
Did I actually just say that?
Yes….I am thankful for infertility and for God giving you to me…
This little boy that I am staring at as I type…is the reason for this letter..
I understand now…I understand it all…and it finally all makes sense…
He would not be here without God and my infertility…
So thank you God…and nice knowing you infertility…
I guess we can be friends after all….