Judgement and Criticism

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I knew choosing the path of gestational surrogacy was not going to be easy.

Call it a “gut instinct”. Or call it…..simply….reality.

I have kept most of my infertility battle to myself. From the very beginning, I thought I was strong enough to handle it all alone. Well, fairly quickly, I realized that I needed some support. I decided to start this blog over 3 years ago. And I cannot tell you how much love and support I have received. Beautiful. Most of you do not know me personally but you are here to support me and pick me up. Why is it easier for me to rely on strangers support than my own family? Well, it became clear to me this past weekend.

I am not a “Facebook” person. I don’t check it regularly. I don’t post every month, let alone every day. Honestly, it doesn’t mean much to me. But I realized that I should probably post that we are expecting soon since the Facebook world may see some pics of our little man in the near future. I thought about what to say. I thought about it for a while. I wrote and re-wrote the post. It was not easy. I have over 1,100 “friends” on FB…now, let’s get real, I really only have about 100-200 true friends on there but through the years, you meet people and they add you and before you know it, you have strangers peaking into your world. I think that’s why I don’t post too often. I went back and forth about how to reveal our news. Should I just post an ultrasound picture and leave it at that? Pretending to be “normal”? Should I explain all I have been through in detail about my infertility? Should I post a picture of me and my sister really going into detail about my IF battle? Well, after delaying the post for far too long, I decided to post an ultrasound photo and write this:

The truth behind the photo: I don’t post on here often but felt the need to share some personal news if others need encouragement and hope. After 4 years of countless doctors appointments, 7 surgeries, numerous IVF cycles, thousands of prayers and support from family(especially my sister L), all of our doctors, friends and above all God…
Hubby and I are expecting Baby W this fall 🙂 I cannot and will not pretend this was easy. In honor of all of my brothers and sisters battling infertility…this is for you. Infertility impacts thousands of men and women every single day and most sit in silence. I was one of those people….until now. I have to speak up for those who are still battling this disease. And it is a disease and needs to be covered by insurance. I’m sure there are even a few of my friends going through this as I’m posting. So please know, you are not alone and I am here for you. This was the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life but we are extremely blessed that God and our team of doctors found a way. They all said it would be a miracle…well, good thing we believe in miracles. We thank the Lord for this blessing.

This was the first time I had posted in over 6 months. This was the first thing I have ever posted about having infertility…to over 1,100 people. I was scared. I was afraid. I was going to be judged and criticized. I just knew it. But once I hit that “post” button….I started receiving comments….lots of congratulations, and even some that opened up about going through infertility/IVF to get their miracle baby.

But then one comment came through……from my own father. And a phone call from him followed.

I answered thinking that he was calling to tell me how proud he was of me for posting what I did.

But instead….I actually got judged and criticized….

From my very own father.

He wanted me to “give more credit” to my sister who is carrying our child and “the one making me a mother”. He didn’t like the way that I casually mentioned her in the post. And what made me go into an absolute downward spiral, he had the audacity to say, “Do you really just want to pretend to all of your friends that you are actually pregnant and gave birth.”

Wow. My very own father.

The one who is supposed to protect. The one who is supposed to make me feel safe. The one who is not supposed to hurt me….the one who is never supposed to “judge”.

The one who helped give me life….just took all of the life out of me.

A blow to the gut is an understatement.

The life that I had hidden for the past 4 years, I hid it because I was afraid of judgement from people like HIM. Wow.

I fell to the floor, I screamed, I cried…in my husbands arms….sobbing uncontrollably

Why? How? What could make him do such a thing?

Nothing made sense…

My sister and I talked before I posted anything. I told her I may not post anything on FB and she was fine. My real friends know the truth. Why does that random person who I met back in 2009 at a bar need to know the extreme details of my infertile life?

This has been my battle…my story to tell…on my time. No one else’s….especially my fathers.

I was feeling more confident..more confident that I might actually become a mother soon….so I decided to share this personal news with my FB world…

I actually started to feel “joy” again…shattered by one phone call.

And he broke me back down…he broke me back down to 2012 where I was told I would never naturally become pregnant and in 2014 where the doctors told me it would be impossible for me to carry my own child…..

The flood of emotions all back…..it was like I almost reached the shore and a tidal wave pushed me back to sea…

And emotionally I am starting over….

I never thought someone could do this to me…could affect me this much…

Again…I am strong….I have been tested….

But this….from my own father?

This….I did not see coming…

I am hurting friends….but I am trying to focus once again on what matters…

And it’s that little boy…

No matter what I go through, I just want him here safe…

I know I will be fighting for him my entire life…I’ve fought to create him, I have fought to find a home for him to grow and I am fighting for him to enter this world in peace, love and understanding…

Is that really too much to ask?




 

I Didn’t “Beat Infertility”

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Nope, I didn’t.

Even though I am expecting in a couple months…I am reminded daily that I, in fact, did not beat infertility.

Instead of having a beautiful growing belly at this time, I am having my 5th operative hysteroscopy tomorrow.

I could have put it off…but I want to have this surgery over and done with before baby boy is here. I want my focus to fully be on him and not my “remarkable” uterus.

I won’t go into details but something is just not right with my uterus (shocker) and either scar tissue has grown back or a growth or who knows…but hopefully we will find out tomorrow and I will heal up to be 100% for baby boy’s arrival.

My body continues to remind me……my ego continues to remind me as well.

My Ego.

I’ve lived with it my entire life. I shouldn’t be surprised by its ugly head rearing when I should be the happiest in my life. In a couple of months, my child will be born. Absolutely amazing. But my ego will not let go of the fact that I didn’t win.

I personally did not beat infertility.

I am not pregnant with my child, someone else is…and my ego continues to remind me.
I know I need to just get over it.
I try.

Believe you me…I try.

Just as I tried every possible way to carry my child…I’m trying to get over it. But little(ok big) things continue to break me down. Most recently, my husband’s ex-wife will not stop asking questions. Frankly, I don’t believe she needs to know the details of how our child is conceived or born. At all. But because my husband has a daughter with her, she feels like she can ask. Which I cannot tell you how much it bothers me. I just keep thinking….if I was “normal”, we certainly wouldn’t be discussing the days we had sex to conceive our child…would we??? So why in the hell do we have to go into detail and explain everything? I already had it all figured out but now, his ex just will not stop.

And I can’t handle it.

I cannot handle my ego.

My ego says, I’m embarrassed that I cannot carry my own child. I wasn’t able to “beat infertility”.

That I cannot believe my husband was able to conceive a child so easily with someone else…..but not me.

I honestly just want to hide…hide from it all.

But I’m trying to focus…as I know…nothing else really matters except that baby growing.

It’s so easy though for others to tell me to “get over it”.

If it was only that easy.

No one can understand what someone has truly gone through unless you have been through it…period.

It blows my mind when I finally tell people about my struggle to conceive and they reply with, “I understand, it took me a long time to conceive my third child.” Ummmm…what?!? No, you don’t understand….at all…like, not one bit. And obviously, I should not have said anything to you……

It’s crazy the amount of strength you have to continue to have, even when good news is on the way….

But it’s all about that good news…that’s what I need to truly focus on…

My boy is growing in a safe environment, he’s healthy, he’s almost here….

And all that negativity…all that anger….all that sadness….that ego……starts to fade away……

I may not have “Beat Infertility”…but I found a way around it….

Finding a way around it……just remember that friends…..it’s not easy, takes patience, takes strength, takes time, it may take all you’ve got……

But remember…..

Good things can still happen even if you don’t “Beat Infertility”…….