PTID: Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder

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I don’t belong.

I’m not part of my infertility group any more…because I’m expecting.

I’m not part of the pregnant women’s group…because I’m not pregnant……even though I’m expecting.

Lost.

Believe you me…I am THRILLED to be having Baby Joy in a short couple of months(weeks really!!!)….but at the moment, I don’t fit in anywhere.

I think this is one of the things that no one mentions when having to use a gestational surrogate.

When I say, we are having a baby soon…people look at me and question… “But you don’t have a bump?” Nope. “Oh, then you must be adopting?” No. “Then the baby will be your gestational surrogate and husbands DNA?” No. And more questions/statements that I cannot even type out…it goes on and on.

Other than feeling lost…I am trying to understand that this is really happening. It’s REALLY happening.

And I have to remind myself….that it is real.

I know I haven’t updated as often as I would like on here, and once again, I apologize. I wanted to give you all a play-by-play with what is happening…but to be honest with you, even though it’s my own sister carrying our baby, I don’t know everything. She doesn’t live near me. So I try to fly up to as many doctors appointments as I can. Also, she was the one to take the pregnancy test, she was the one to feel Baby Joy kick for the first time, she is the one experiencing it all.

I’m like a cheerleader from the sidelines cheering on their favorite team

I so badly wanted to be a part of that team. But I tried. I did all I could. And it wasn’t meant to be that way.

I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be pregnant…simple as that…and that’s what is happening.

You see what’s really going on….what’s under all of this disbelief and doubt is something called: PTID

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder

Many of you have experienced it for yourself.

~You get a positive pregnancy test, but cannot get too excited because you might miscarry again.

~You have high betas, but you did with your last pregnancy that ended.

~You go to the ultrasound, see the baby, but there is still a chance that something will go wrong.

~You just want to make it to 12 weeks, but you just saw someone lose their baby at 20 weeks and want to wait longer.

The list can go on and on….

See, it’s hard to believe that it’s finally time for something good to happen to you when you have been through so much heartache.

And that’s where I’m at. I want to believe so badly that I will be holding my precious Baby Joy in my arms soon. I WILL be holding him in my arms….but PTID ruins my mind.

I understand that I might be a little more sensitive to this than some but before you judge, please try to walk in my shoes first.

Nothing about infertility is easy. Nothing before, nothing during and nothing after. We are a sisterhood that you can only truly understand if you have been through the same pain and struggle…period.

It bothers me when others find out we are expecting….and expect me to forget the past 4 years of infertility, like it didn’t matter…or it doesn’t matter anymore.

Well, I will tell you one thing. I won’t ever forget. This blog, and you all, my amazing friends that dug me out of deep depressive holes…… I won’t forget it. I guess you could say that Baby Joy would not be here without this blog and the men and women who have supported me throughout this….and now PTID.

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder is real.

I am living it. And it’s ok of you are too. We are in this together.

If you have experienced PTID, comment below and let others know they are not alone…

We will get through this.

(Photo Credit: Brian Rea)




 

 

 

Judgement and Criticism

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I knew choosing the path of gestational surrogacy was not going to be easy.

Call it a “gut instinct”. Or call it…..simply….reality.

I have kept most of my infertility battle to myself. From the very beginning, I thought I was strong enough to handle it all alone. Well, fairly quickly, I realized that I needed some support. I decided to start this blog over 3 years ago. And I cannot tell you how much love and support I have received. Beautiful. Most of you do not know me personally but you are here to support me and pick me up. Why is it easier for me to rely on strangers support than my own family? Well, it became clear to me this past weekend.

I am not a “Facebook” person. I don’t check it regularly. I don’t post every month, let alone every day. Honestly, it doesn’t mean much to me. But I realized that I should probably post that we are expecting soon since the Facebook world may see some pics of our little man in the near future. I thought about what to say. I thought about it for a while. I wrote and re-wrote the post. It was not easy. I have over 1,100 “friends” on FB…now, let’s get real, I really only have about 100-200 true friends on there but through the years, you meet people and they add you and before you know it, you have strangers peaking into your world. I think that’s why I don’t post too often. I went back and forth about how to reveal our news. Should I just post an ultrasound picture and leave it at that? Pretending to be “normal”? Should I explain all I have been through in detail about my infertility? Should I post a picture of me and my sister really going into detail about my IF battle? Well, after delaying the post for far too long, I decided to post an ultrasound photo and write this:

The truth behind the photo: I don’t post on here often but felt the need to share some personal news if others need encouragement and hope. After 4 years of countless doctors appointments, 7 surgeries, numerous IVF cycles, thousands of prayers and support from family(especially my sister L), all of our doctors, friends and above all God…
Hubby and I are expecting Baby W this fall 🙂 I cannot and will not pretend this was easy. In honor of all of my brothers and sisters battling infertility…this is for you. Infertility impacts thousands of men and women every single day and most sit in silence. I was one of those people….until now. I have to speak up for those who are still battling this disease. And it is a disease and needs to be covered by insurance. I’m sure there are even a few of my friends going through this as I’m posting. So please know, you are not alone and I am here for you. This was the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life but we are extremely blessed that God and our team of doctors found a way. They all said it would be a miracle…well, good thing we believe in miracles. We thank the Lord for this blessing.

This was the first time I had posted in over 6 months. This was the first thing I have ever posted about having infertility…to over 1,100 people. I was scared. I was afraid. I was going to be judged and criticized. I just knew it. But once I hit that “post” button….I started receiving comments….lots of congratulations, and even some that opened up about going through infertility/IVF to get their miracle baby.

But then one comment came through……from my own father. And a phone call from him followed.

I answered thinking that he was calling to tell me how proud he was of me for posting what I did.

But instead….I actually got judged and criticized….

From my very own father.

He wanted me to “give more credit” to my sister who is carrying our child and “the one making me a mother”. He didn’t like the way that I casually mentioned her in the post. And what made me go into an absolute downward spiral, he had the audacity to say, “Do you really just want to pretend to all of your friends that you are actually pregnant and gave birth.”

Wow. My very own father.

The one who is supposed to protect. The one who is supposed to make me feel safe. The one who is not supposed to hurt me….the one who is never supposed to “judge”.

The one who helped give me life….just took all of the life out of me.

A blow to the gut is an understatement.

The life that I had hidden for the past 4 years, I hid it because I was afraid of judgement from people like HIM. Wow.

I fell to the floor, I screamed, I cried…in my husbands arms….sobbing uncontrollably

Why? How? What could make him do such a thing?

Nothing made sense…

My sister and I talked before I posted anything. I told her I may not post anything on FB and she was fine. My real friends know the truth. Why does that random person who I met back in 2009 at a bar need to know the extreme details of my infertile life?

This has been my battle…my story to tell…on my time. No one else’s….especially my fathers.

I was feeling more confident..more confident that I might actually become a mother soon….so I decided to share this personal news with my FB world…

I actually started to feel “joy” again…shattered by one phone call.

And he broke me back down…he broke me back down to 2012 where I was told I would never naturally become pregnant and in 2014 where the doctors told me it would be impossible for me to carry my own child…..

The flood of emotions all back…..it was like I almost reached the shore and a tidal wave pushed me back to sea…

And emotionally I am starting over….

I never thought someone could do this to me…could affect me this much…

Again…I am strong….I have been tested….

But this….from my own father?

This….I did not see coming…

I am hurting friends….but I am trying to focus once again on what matters…

And it’s that little boy…

No matter what I go through, I just want him here safe…

I know I will be fighting for him my entire life…I’ve fought to create him, I have fought to find a home for him to grow and I am fighting for him to enter this world in peace, love and understanding…

Is that really too much to ask?