“When” Instead of “If” In 2018

“When I have a child…”

I remember saying that….over and over in my head. For years and years. Some would say to me “If you have a child…”, and I would correct them and say, “When I have a child…” And they would apologize, nod their head….pretending to understand…but knowing they didn’t…..

“When” instead of “If”….

One simple change of words….it’s significant though, isn’t it?

Say both sentences out loud…. “If I have a child.” or “When I have a child.”……different mindset, right?

And I knew THAT’S how I wanted to think about my future….THAT’S how I would get through the mounting struggle…year after year…..knowing that whatever I had to do…I would get there…

So here we go friends…this is a pep talk…

As the new year approaches…I know all too well how it stings when you’ve wanted to be a parent for so long and have not gotten there…….yet.

I was not sure WHEN it was going to happen…but I knew it would.

And I’m not one of those people saying..”Never give up!” “You’ll get pregnant naturally, just keep trying and relax!”

Ummm…no.

Not saying that doesn’t happen(because it does) but it just didn’t happen for me.

I had to give up on my body…period. And then I had to decide if I wanted to take the next step. I could have stopped there and said I was done. And I recently wrote about being done and giving up all together…because once you know…you know. And those that are forced to give up are some of the strongest people I know.

But for me….I couldn’t quite let go….in my gut…and my heart…..now, I wasn’t saying I was definitely getting pregnant or having a biological child…I was simply saying that whether it be my biological child, or if I could or could not carry my child, or if it would be a donor egg or sperm or adoption or fostering…some way, some how…. I WOULD become a Mother.

“WHEN I have a child…”

I put it out there. I was disappointed so many times…especially with my own body…which, I know many of you are feeling now.

Some of you are being told by doctors that you only have a 1% chance at becoming a parent. Or that you might never become a parent(which is what I was told).

And they couldn’t be more wrong.

Maybe you have a 1% chance at carrying your own biological child.

But NOT at becoming a parent…again…they could not be more wrong.

Genetics and biology are not the only way that “make” you a parent.

The definition of parent is this: “be or act as a mother or father to (someone)”

Even the online dictionary gets it….

So to kick off 2018….you’ll have to make some decisions…some you’ll be forced to make…and some you’ll choose to make…

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together….

That’s what happened to me…

And my “If”…turned to “When”…

and became my “Now”

My “now” is what I dreamed of for so long…this “now” seemed so far away…for so long…. but it’s here…

All of the pain, all of the sacrifice, all of the struggle….

Brought me to now…

Make 2018 your “Now” my friends…

Sending peace, love, blessings and joy to you all!

Bring on 2018!!!!

Alcohol Swabs

That smell.

In fact, I haven’t smelled “that smell” in a very long time…since my last IVF cycle. My last failed IVF cycle. Well, let’s be real…all of my cycles have failed……so….it equated failure, to me.

That smell is heartache and failure…wrapped up in a tiny, foil-lined package. Years and, almost, every month within those years, I smelled those alcohol swabs. When I would get my blood drawn. When I gave myself a shot. When I was getting an IV put in my arm before my 7th surgery.

All with disappointing results. All sad memories.



So yesterday, without even thinking, I needed to clean a cut. I opened one of my drawers to find a package of those alcohol swabs. It was actually a package from the pharmacy when you order your ivf meds through the mail. Usually, they give the alcohol swabs to you for “free”(well, thank you since I spent $8,000 on medication with you all for that cycle…appreciate the “gift”)

So, I pulled the package out…ripped it open…and that smell brought me to write this….

Except, I didn’t open it to give myself a shot, or to get my blood drawn to to have an IV inserted into my arm…..

I opened it to use it on my son.

And as the sad, depressing, negative memories flooded my brain………I was looking into my little miracles’ eyes…

He had tears because he fell….and it hurt…. I had tears because….the memories it brought back…. hurt….but those tears quickly turned to gratitude and an unbelievable sense of thankfulness.

I was overwhelmed…choked up, only he and I in the bathroom, tears pouring down my face.

I grabbed him and hugged him.

It might have been one of the most thankful feelings I have ever felt in my entire life.

Gut-wrenchingly thankful.

All because of “that smell” and what it ultimately gave me.

I don’t think I will ever forget those years of using alcohol swabs and how the memories of infertility are always looming. That’s the part about infertility that most people don’t understand. Even when you have “figured out” a way to become a parent, the damage on your body, mind and soul is already done. It doesn’t “fix” everything. And there are always “triggers”. I wrote a post about PTID(Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder)  a while back…..and it is very real.

Is there something in your life…”that smell” or “that sound” or “that taste” that brings emotions or memories? Has it changed over the years? Or if you are dealing with PTID…I’m here for you always…