She looked at me and said, “You know, I would do that for you too.”
It was almost a year after my son was born via gestational surrogacy…my amazing sister carried him for me in 2016.
My dear friend, L, volunteered to be my surrogate for baby #2.
I was speechless. I looked at her and said, “No, no…that’s so generous but it’s too much.” She looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “No, I’ve wanted to do this. I’ve thought a lot about it, even spoke to my husband already. I want to do this for you. I want to carry your baby.”
Tears started streaming down my face before I could even move towards her to hug her.
Did she really understand what she was volunteering for? I just went through it with my own sister and it’s not easy. Honestly, I didn’t even think we could afford it again…but now that someone has offered…how could we not? We have embryos left. I’ve always wanted to have more than one child…we’ve got to find a way.
And that was in August of 2017…you read that right. 2017. I kept a secret from you all…and I’m sorry. But what has happened since then, might not be what you expect…so here’s the recap:
August 2017-Friend volunteers and gets IUD removed(wait a couple of months)
November 2017-Fly friend to my clinic and go with her for her “one day workup”: She passes with flying colors, blood tests great, sonohystogram of uterus looks great, records are clear, she’s healthy..so it’s a go for a mock cycle.
January 2018-Mock transfer cycle. She starts Estrace 3 times a day to prepare her lining. Lining check after 13 days of Estrace- 5.5mm(????)…wait, WHAT? My RE calls and is confused. Did she take the medication correctly? Might just be a fluke…let’s try again next month.
February 2018– Mock Transfer #2. Starts Estrace again. 15 days later-lining measurement 4.5mm(???!!) Wait…this isn’t ME…it’s my friend who gets pregnant EASILY…like, when she wants…what is going on?? Maybe take a month off and try again? Ok..
And I won’t bore you with the rest friends….but you get it. Month after month…for the entire 2018, we tried it all. Mock cycles, Natural cycles, procedures, different meds, etc….and nada…
Her lining wouldn’t make it past 5.5mm at any point………just…..like….mine.
I couldn’t help but believe that I am the curse. I mean seriously….how does this happen?
My RE wasn’t comfortable putting in one of my two embryos into a lining that’s 5.5mm(and I wasn’t either)
So this week………at the end of 2018…..we both called it quits.
We talked about it, cried and then I thanked her for offering to carry my child but we won’t even get that opportunity.
My sweet friend L felt so bad….but I felt really bad too. Not only throwing myself a pity party about the bad luck I constantly have with thin lining but also for what I put her(and her husband) through for over a year. I mean, every month they had to make sure they didn’t accidentally get pregnant too…using condoms and timing things out correctly, I’m sure it wasn’t easy…and all of the tests and medicine I put her body through….for nothing(but more out-of-pocket bills for us)
We both expected everything to work out. I mean, why wouldn’t it??
But to no avail…
No matter how hard we tried…..
A spark…a flicker of hope….gone before it even had a chance at being light
So here we are…back to square one…
I would say I’m back in the dark….but that’s not true. I was in the dark from 2011-September 2016….then in October 2016, my miracle was born. The true light of my life.
See, because my very worst day now…is still better than the very best day I ever had before my son.
And so, it’s ok…more disappointments, more time gone, more money gone, more opportunities gone, more hope gone…but I’m ok.
Maybe I should just hope……less. Not become hopeless….just simply hope, less.
Would that help my heart? Would that help all of our hearts?
To hope a little less in 2019?
I guess we will just have to see…….