The Life You Always Thought

“And something in me says…stop…don’t do that….but I can’t…and the hope that it still might happen leaves me hungry when I have already eaten enough.” —my mind

I revisit this often….

The life I thought I was meant to live…..

I’m sure many of us do, but I daydream about it. What could have been?

Now, I really love my life. I’ve certainly had struggles…but we all do and I’m actually thankful for many of them. They have made my life what it is today.

But…there’s always that “but” in my head…….

There are times when I see someone else achieving goals that I THOUGHT I would be achieving….and the jealous monster comes out…I think, “That was supposed to be me too.”




For example, my career as a journalist. There are times, when I think, one decision might have changed the outcome of my life. I went to college with a, now, fairly well-known broadcast journalist. At the end of college I was offered two jobs, one that would require travel and one that stayed in the area. I chose the job that required travel….and she was then offered the local job, which in turn lead her to a regional job and then national…and now she is all over the place on t.v. I mean, she is banking, my friends. Yep. Now, it is kind of silly of me to believe that, that ONE decision was the reason I was not as successful…but it obviously still stings and is in the back of my mind when I see her.

The life I “thought” I was supposed to live….

And in more ways than one.

Like having the family I “thought” I would have…Obviously I assumed I would be able to get pregnant and have a baby…or 3, as I imagined. That’s what I thought my life was supposed to include, 3 children. I dreamed about that for as long as I can remember. I didn’t even think that it might not happen…I knew that being a Mom was going to be a part of my life. And after many years, and by the grace of God, I am finally a Mom. It took a lot longer than expected, it definitely didn’t happen the way I thought it was supposed to…but I am thankful it did…beyond thankful every piece of the puzzle fell into place. But what about those two other children I always thought would be in my life? Do I just forget about that life I “thought” I was supposed to live?

But…..

If my life did turn out the way I “thought” (different career choices, married younger, pregnant easily) it would be completely different….and I most likely wouldn’t have everything I have now…..hmmmmm…

It’s tricky, isn’t it?

So why can’t I just forget about this “fake life” I had dreamed of?

Why can’t I let go of this “being pregnant” dream of mine?

I don’t know, I’ll admit it…I do see others, with my issues, and they still seem to make their dream come true.

Even the first two women I got advice from about having to use a gestational surrogate eventually got pregnant and delivered healthy babies. Yes….both of them, after they had to use a surrogate for their first children, got pregnant after. I was shocked but so, so happy for them…I mean…thrilled really because it gave me hope! But, will it happen for me too? I want it so bad…but do I just “keep trying?” Do I keep this “dream” alive because I see it happening for others and I believe it “should” happen for me too?

Just tough.

Or do I just say…”it’s enough”….my life is enough. I am happy. Stop torturing yourself with the “what if’s”….Be grateful for ALL that you have!

I know it is enough. I am enough. My family is enough.

But it’s a slow turn. I’ll be honest, I’m still not there yet. Not sure when I’ll be…but I’m trying.

Every day I wake up thankful for my life. It’s mine and not anyone else’s.

So why do I compare it to others?

Do any of you do this too?? Compare your life to others?

Or is this the life you thought you would be living today?

Would love to hear from you all….

 




“When” Instead of “If” In 2018

“When I have a child…”

I remember saying that….over and over in my head. For years and years. Some would say to me “If you have a child…”, and I would correct them and say, “When I have a child…” And they would apologize, nod their head….pretending to understand…but knowing they didn’t…..

“When” instead of “If”….

One simple change of words….it’s significant though, isn’t it?

Say both sentences out loud…. “If I have a child.” or “When I have a child.”……different mindset, right?

And I knew THAT’S how I wanted to think about my future….THAT’S how I would get through the mounting struggle…year after year…..knowing that whatever I had to do…I would get there…

So here we go friends…this is a pep talk…

As the new year approaches…I know all too well how it stings when you’ve wanted to be a parent for so long and have not gotten there…….yet.

I was not sure WHEN it was going to happen…but I knew it would.

And I’m not one of those people saying..”Never give up!” “You’ll get pregnant naturally, just keep trying and relax!”

Ummm…no.

Not saying that doesn’t happen(because it does) but it just didn’t happen for me.

I had to give up on my body…period. And then I had to decide if I wanted to take the next step. I could have stopped there and said I was done. And I recently wrote about being done and giving up all together…because once you know…you know. And those that are forced to give up are some of the strongest people I know.

But for me….I couldn’t quite let go….in my gut…and my heart…..now, I wasn’t saying I was definitely getting pregnant or having a biological child…I was simply saying that whether it be my biological child, or if I could or could not carry my child, or if it would be a donor egg or sperm or adoption or fostering…some way, some how…. I WOULD become a Mother.

“WHEN I have a child…”

I put it out there. I was disappointed so many times…especially with my own body…which, I know many of you are feeling now.

Some of you are being told by doctors that you only have a 1% chance at becoming a parent. Or that you might never become a parent(which is what I was told).

And they couldn’t be more wrong.

Maybe you have a 1% chance at carrying your own biological child.

But NOT at becoming a parent…again…they could not be more wrong.

Genetics and biology are not the only way that “make” you a parent.

The definition of parent is this: “be or act as a mother or father to (someone)”

Even the online dictionary gets it….

So to kick off 2018….you’ll have to make some decisions…some you’ll be forced to make…and some you’ll choose to make…

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together….

That’s what happened to me…

And my “If”…turned to “When”…

and became my “Now”

My “now” is what I dreamed of for so long…thisĀ “now” seemed so far away…for so long…. but it’s here…

All of the pain, all of the sacrifice, all of the struggle….

Brought me to now…

Make 2018 your “Now” my friends…

Sending peace, love, blessings and joy to you all!

Bring on 2018!!!!