Scars Between My Fingers

I sit here looking at my hands. They are dry and cracked from washing bottles in hot water. And I couldn’t be happier about that….but I notice something else too…..

Little scars between my fingers…on only two fingers…but I can still see them.

As I clasp my hands together to pray before dinner….I realize why they are there….

During infertility, there were times where I would pray so hard, my rings would rub up against my other fingers….causing them to bleed a little…and it left tiny scars…
I didn’t notice at the time because, with infertility, I was in so much pain, mentally and physically, that I was numb to feeling much else…

So many things I didn’t notice during the dark days……..

I know I write a lot about the hard times on this blog. It took us almost 5 years to have a child. I was incapable of even carrying my child. Infertility has been a big part of my life and I remember scouring the internet to find someone…anyone who had all of my problems….I didn’t find anyone with ALL of my problems but I did find some that I could relate to…and I held on tight to those…..like in prayer….

Every feeling they felt, every procedure, every vitamin, every doctor…I wanted to know it all. And I prayed for them…and most of them succeeded in pregnancy….and then their blogs would go silent….never hear from them again…

I never understood why….but I’m slowly understanding….

My audience……most of my followers and readers find my blog while searching for infertility.

Infertility.

They want to have a baby.

So once an infertility blogger has a baby….the blogger is either done writing, they have conquered their goal or it turns into a parenting/baby blog….

If 5 years ago, I searched for an infertility blog and the first thing I saw was a cute baby pic…it would be a punch to the gut a little(just being completely honest)..I obviously would have wanted to know they eventually succeeded but being in such a depressed, fragile, lonely state..searching for infertility blogs…I wanted information about diagnosis, treatments, procedures, timelines, experience, doctors…I could go on and on…

So this blog won’t have any more pictures of my baby boy. He is here, he is safe, he is growing and if you do want to see more pictures of him growing up, you can follow me on my new Instagram account @changingdiapers 🙂

Mark my word, I am thrilled beyond words to have my son, but like I wrote about in this post, I didn’t “beat” infertility..so I’ll continue to fight and try to find procedures and doctors and treatments for those like me. And I’ll continue to call scientists and researchers and doctors around the world to find the most up-to-date information on everything in the reproductive endocrinology world.

You see…because I think I have finally found my purpose…..I’ll write more about this in another post…but there’s a reason I started this blog years ago..to help those wanting to have a child…simple…yet so overwhelmingly complex….

And like these scars on my fingers…the memories and struggles of infertility are scars in my mind…I can’t ever fully forget about them…..

So I’m not about to forget about you….still battling, still fighting, still crying every night…

Still collecting scars…..

I’m still here for you….and I’m not going anywhere.

 




Nothing is harder……

“Nothing is harder than being a parent”, she said……”Oh, you’ll see”…

It only took me a second…and I wasn’t able to hold my tongue….

“Infertility is harder than being a parent”, I said.

She stared at me…almost personally offended….like I had blamed her for my infertility…….and didn’t say anything else…except, awkwardly…..”Oh well, you know what I mean.” and walked around me and out of the room….

But I thought to myself…….do you know what I mean???

The woman who said that to me actually planned one of her pregnancies so she could be pregnant in September to have a baby before it was too hot outside…..uh uh…..

I still cannot believe that people can actually do that….like, mind blown that some people can…

So obviously, she never struggled to get pregnant, let alone go through everything I went through with not even being able to carry my own child….

Nothing is harder…hmm…

No, my friend, nothing is harder than: Crying every night for years and years to be blessed with a pregnancy..something most don’t even have to think about, to research thousand upon thousands of hours regarding treatment for your infertility, making your first call to a Reproductive Endocrinologist that’s not even covered by insurance, and to then spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on something that is not guaranteed, to be poked and prodded week after week..year after year, sobbing before giving yourself your first injection of medicine, and sobbing after giving yourself your 100th injection as well, believing you would “only” need one cycle of IVF..but 3 IVF’s later and you are still praying, attending baby showers and never knowing if it will ever be your turn, seeing pregnant women every day complaining and only wishing you could have those problems…and, for some, finally becoming pregnant and losing your baby…..losing maybe your only chance at ever becoming a parent……just to name a few….

So, no, being a parent is not “the hardest thing”

Being a parent is a gift. A gift that so many men and women pray for every day….

and so many more take for granted…..

I am speaking for those still battling, still fighting…..and wanting more than anything to walk in your shoes during your hardest day as a parent.

Infertility is harder than being a parent.

I know it is….and that’s something I’ll never ever forget.




 

 

Photo credit to: rmacsyackityyacks.wordpress.com