“And something in me says…stop…don’t do that….but I can’t…and the hope that it still might happen leaves me hungry when I have already eaten enough.” —my mind
I revisit this often….
The life I thought I was meant to live…..
I’m sure many of us do, but I daydream about it. What could have been?
Now, I really love my life. I’ve certainly had struggles…but we all do and I’m actually thankful for many of them. They have made my life what it is today.
But…there’s always that “but” in my head…….
There are times when I see someone else achieving goals that I THOUGHT I would be achieving….and the jealous monster comes out…I think, “That was supposed to be me too.”
For example, my career as a journalist. There are times, when I think, one decision might have changed the outcome of my life. I went to college with a, now, fairly well-known broadcast journalist. At the end of college I was offered two jobs, one that would require travel and one that stayed in the area. I chose the job that required travel….and she was then offered the local job, which in turn lead her to a regional job and then national…and now she is all over the place on t.v. I mean, she is banking, my friends. Yep. Now, it is kind of silly of me to believe that, that ONE decision was the reason I was not as successful…but it obviously still stings and is in the back of my mind when I see her.
The life I “thought” I was supposed to live….
And in more ways than one.
Like having the family I “thought” I would have…Obviously I assumed I would be able to get pregnant and have a baby…or 3, as I imagined. That’s what I thought my life was supposed to include, 3 children. I dreamed about that for as long as I can remember. I didn’t even think that it might not happen…I knew that being a Mom was going to be a part of my life. And after many years, and by the grace of God, I am finally a Mom. It took a lot longer than expected, it definitely didn’t happen the way I thought it was supposed to…but I am thankful it did…beyond thankful every piece of the puzzle fell into place. But what about those two other children I always thought would be in my life? Do I just forget about that life I “thought” I was supposed to live?
If my life did turn out the way I “thought” (different career choices, married younger, pregnant easily) it would be completely different….and I most likely wouldn’t have everything I have now…..hmmmmm…
It’s tricky, isn’t it?
So why can’t I just forget about this “fake life” I had dreamed of?
Why can’t I let go of this “being pregnant” dream of mine?
I don’t know, I’ll admit it…I do see others, with my issues, and they still seem to make their dream come true.
Even the first two women I got advice from about having to use a gestational surrogate eventually got pregnant and delivered healthy babies. Yes….both of them, after they had to use a surrogate for their first children, got pregnant after. I was shocked but so, so happy for them…I mean…thrilled really because it gave me hope! But, will it happen for me too? I want it so bad…but do I just “keep trying?” Do I keep this “dream” alive because I see it happening for others and I believe it “should” happen for me too?
Or do I just say…”it’s enough”….my life is enough. I am happy. Stop torturing yourself with the “what if’s”….Be grateful for ALL that you have!
I know it is enough. I am enough. My family is enough.
But it’s a slow turn. I’ll be honest, I’m still not there yet. Not sure when I’ll be…but I’m trying.
Every day I wake up thankful for my life. It’s mine and not anyone else’s.
So why do I compare it to others?
Do any of you do this too?? Compare your life to others?
Or is this the life you thought you would be living today?
Would love to hear from you all….