Tag: Thin Uterine Lining

She Didn’t Have To Do It

I’ve been trying to figure out how to put it….but it’s pretty simple…”She didn’t have to do it”

My sister.

She didn’t have to carry our baby for us.

You see, I read a lot of infertility articles related to gestational surrogacy, and often times, there are women in need of a gestational surrogate stating, “If I only had a sister, surrogacy would be so easy.”

Uhhhh…well, first, even if you have a sister willing to carry, it’s not easy(at all) but second…even if you have a sister, that doesn’t mean she will automatically accept the responsibility of carrying your child for you. And I know plenty of women who need surrogates that actually DO have sisters….and still need to find someone….

I’ll admit it….I was very, very lucky. I didn’t even have to ask my sister. She offered. She called me up on my birthday(after about 3 years in)…and in the middle of her wishing me a happy birthday, and just some light-hearted talk…she blurted out, “You know I’ll do that for you.”…and I remember thinking..”Is she talking about what I think she’s talking about??”. And she said, “Ill carry your baby for you.” And all I could do is just cry.

You see, I never wanted to ask my sister. I didn’t want her to feel obligated or feel “forced” to carry my child…simply because she was my sister.

Because…….she didn’t have to do it.

I’ve gone over so many times what it took for us to have Baby W. I mean….holy cow…my timeline is HERE. And, the details of what gestational surrogacy entails(step-by-step) is a post I’m currently writing. But my sister, was the final piece that brought my son home.

Safely.

I always say “safely” because I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted to be pregnant and carry my child. I was willing to do “almost” anything to make that happen. Just read my blog through all of 2015. I tried, and tried…month after month….year after year to prepare my uterus to carry an embryo…to grow into a child in my arms….

But it never was meant to be….

My sister was the perfect babysitter….for 9 months…she watched over him, nurtured him, cared for him and loved him.

And I could not have asked for anything more.

He loves his Auntie. He lights up when she talks. And I am so very happy about the bond they have….

All because….she wanted to do it……

not because she had to…

And for that….I will be FOREVER grateful…..and thankful beyond words…..




I Didn’t “Beat Infertility”

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Nope, I didn’t.

Even though I am expecting in a couple months…I am reminded daily that I, in fact, did not beat infertility.

Instead of having a beautiful growing belly at this time, I am having my 5th operative hysteroscopy tomorrow.

I could have put it off…but I want to have this surgery over and done with before baby boy is here. I want my focus to fully be on him and not my “remarkable” uterus.

I won’t go into details but something is just not right with my uterus (shocker) and either scar tissue has grown back or a growth or who knows…but hopefully we will find out tomorrow and I will heal up to be 100% for baby boy’s arrival.

My body continues to remind me……my ego continues to remind me as well.

My Ego.

I’ve lived with it my entire life. I shouldn’t be surprised by its ugly head rearing when I should be the happiest in my life. In a couple of months, my child will be born. Absolutely amazing. But my ego will not let go of the fact that I didn’t win.

I personally did not beat infertility.

I am not pregnant with my child, someone else is…and my ego continues to remind me.
I know I need to just get over it.
I try.

Believe you me…I try.

Just as I tried every possible way to carry my child…I’m trying to get over it. But little(ok big) things continue to break me down. Most recently, my husband’s ex-wife will not stop asking questions. Frankly, I don’t believe she needs to know the details of how our child is conceived or born. At all. But because my husband has a daughter with her, she feels like she can ask. Which I cannot tell you how much it bothers me. I just keep thinking….if I was “normal”, we certainly wouldn’t be discussing the days we had sex to conceive our child…would we??? So why in the hell do we have to go into detail and explain everything? I already had it all figured out but now, his ex just will not stop.

And I can’t handle it.

I cannot handle my ego.

My ego says, I’m embarrassed that I cannot carry my own child. I wasn’t able to “beat infertility”.

That I cannot believe my husband was able to conceive a child so easily with someone else…..but not me.

I honestly just want to hide…hide from it all.

But I’m trying to focus…as I know…nothing else really matters except that baby growing.

It’s so easy though for others to tell me to “get over it”.

If it was only that easy.

No one can understand what someone has truly gone through unless you have been through it…period.

It blows my mind when I finally tell people about my struggle to conceive and they reply with, “I understand, it took me a long time to conceive my third child.” Ummmm…what?!? No, you don’t understand….at all…like, not one bit. And obviously, I should not have said anything to you……

It’s crazy the amount of strength you have to continue to have, even when good news is on the way….

But it’s all about that good news…that’s what I need to truly focus on…

My boy is growing in a safe environment, he’s healthy, he’s almost here….

And all that negativity…all that anger….all that sadness….that ego……starts to fade away……

I may not have “Beat Infertility”…but I found a way around it….

Finding a way around it……just remember that friends…..it’s not easy, takes patience, takes strength, takes time, it may take all you’ve got……

But remember…..

Good things can still happen even if you don’t “Beat Infertility”…….