Tag: Thankful

Alcohol Swabs

That smell.

In fact, I haven’t smelled “that smell” in a very long time…since my last IVF cycle. My last failed IVF cycle. Well, let’s be real…all of my cycles have failed……so….it equated failure, to me.

That smell is heartache and failure…wrapped up in a tiny, foil-lined package. Years and, almost, every month within those years, I smelled those alcohol swabs. When I would get my blood drawn. When I gave myself a shot. When I was getting an IV put in my arm before my 7th surgery.

All with disappointing results. All sad memories.

So yesterday, without even thinking, I needed to clean a cut. I opened one of my drawers to find a package of those alcohol swabs. It was actually a package from the pharmacy when you order your ivf meds through the mail. Usually, they give the alcohol swabs to you for “free”(well, thank you since I spent $8,000 on medication with you all for that cycle…appreciate the “gift”)

So, I pulled the package out…ripped it open…and that smell brought me to write this….

Except, I didn’t open it to give myself a shot, or to get my blood drawn to to have an IV inserted into my arm…..

I opened it to use it on my son.

And as the sad, depressing, negative memories flooded my brain………I was looking into my little miracles’ eyes…

He had tears because he fell….and it hurt…. I had tears because….the memories it brought back…. hurt….but those tears quickly turned to gratitude and an unbelievable sense of thankfulness.

I was overwhelmed…choked up, only he and I in the bathroom, tears pouring down my face.

I grabbed him and hugged him.

It might have been one of the most thankful feelings I have ever felt in my entire life.

Gut-wrenchingly thankful.

All because of “that smell” and what it ultimately gave me.

I don’t think I will ever forget those years of using alcohol swabs and how the memories of infertility are always looming. That’s the part about infertility that most people don’t understand. Even when you have “figured out” a way to become a parent, the damage on your body, mind and soul is already done. It doesn’t “fix” everything. And there are always “triggers”. I wrote a post about PTID(Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder)  a while back…..and it is very real.

Is there something in your life…”that smell” or “that sound” or “that taste” that brings emotions or memories? Has it changed over the years? Or if you are dealing with PTID…I’m here for you always…

Ultrasound #2 (Gestational Carrier/Surrogate)


So sorry to have left you all silent for the past 2 weeks.
Lots of things are going on. Lots of changes.

I’ll get to those other changes in another blog post(soon…I swear 😉

But for the BEST change…..our little embaby Joy.


He/She has grown SO much these past 2 weeks!!!

And we were able to hear the heartbeat….oh…the sweetest sound I have ever heard. 187bpm. Beautiful.

So amazing…and I just feel so blessed. So blessed that IVF and gestational surrogacy is possible. So blessed that my sister is carrying our child. So blessed that all seems to be going well and baby is growing on target.

Just blessed. And thankful.

Thankful for every set back. Thankful for every IVF. Thankful for every single injection. Thankful for every disappointment. Thankful for every decision. Thankful for my sister. Thankful for it all.

Nothing has made much sense during these years of infertility.

But now, something is finally making sense.

And I am slowly understanding why so many things had to go wrong……

for this one thing to go right…


Keep growing Joy….4 weeks until we’ll see you again this time….stay cozy, stay healthy, stay safe.

Please just stay……..

We love you too much already….