Well, after taking some time off after our failed 3rd full IVF cycle in March…I didn’t know what to do…

I was lost…and I’m still lost….

For the past couple of months…I’ve just done nothing in regards to trying to have a baby…and it’s been weird.

I’ve been trying to have a baby for almost 4 years. And this is the first time that I haven’t had an appt, shots, blood draws, ultrasounds, etc.

Instead, I kind of gave up on myself. I mean, that’s what all of my RE’s are telling me…that there is no hope for my uterus and that I can’t carry a baby. And you start to believe that when that’s all you hear.

So, I decided to really research gestational carrier information. It’s overwhelming…and by overwhelming, I mean, if you think IVF costs a lot out of pocket(which it DOES!!)…then looking into gestational carrier costs will give you a heart attack…I mean….wow. And then everything that goes along with it is just too much…The only way we could do this is if we could find someone we knew.

I haven’t been very open about our mission to have a child. Not even really to my family. I mean they know, to a degree, but they don’t know specifics. It’s just too exhausting for me to have to explain it all. I mean, my own mother didn’t even understand ovulation…because she never had to. My family is VERY fertile. My Mom had 4 kids easily. Her last being my brother and she was 41. No help of fertility treatments…nothing. My sister got pregnant twice ON birth control pills…at 23 and 25. So fertile is an understatement to say the least.

And then there is me.

Who has literally and figuratively tried it ALL. One ovary. No tubes. Chronically thin lining. Multiple surgeries. 3 full IVF cycles. 6 FET cycles. Blah, blah, blah…I could go on and on, but most of you all know my story.

But that’s life, I guess. And now, I needed to keep my chin up, not compare and just focus on what I have to do next. Find a gestational carrier.

And there she was…staring me right in front of my face….my little sis. My angel.

We haven’t talked much about everything…well, because honestly, I never would want her to feel like she “has” to do this. I just wouldn’t want to put that burden on anyone. I mean, carry my child? What an unbelievably selfless, honorable, beautiful gift. But she called me up and said she wanted to do this for me and I was floored since I remember her saying, after her 2nd child, “I am done! I won’t do this again!”

But here she was volunteering to carry our child…really an Angel. There she was…telling me she WANTS to do this for me…and all I could do was cry..tears of joy and HOPE once again flooded my soul.

Now, it seems that it should be easy once someone volunteers to carry for you…but it’s not…and it was only the beginning.

Even though you have someone…and she’s your sister…you still have to have a lawyer…and pay them 🙁 It bothers me SO much. All in all, the lawyers will probably cost us $8,000+ alone…and that just makes me sick. Then blood tests, FDA requirements, procedures, flights, ultrasounds…all $$$. Obviously, less than going through an agency…but still a LOT. Sickening.

And then there are all of the pre-tests. She had her last child in Jan. 2010…so it’s been a while. My RE wanted to see her first just to make sure all looked o.k.

So, I had my sister come down(she lives about 7 hrs away) and we saw my RE for an ultrasound. As the ultrasound began, I was excited to see a thicker lining than mine…but, guess what?…that’s not what we wanted to see right now. She should have a thin lining since she’s on birth control…..

And it’s not… sister has too thick of lining and that’s a problem. Also, her uterus doesn’t look quite right. The shape is not normal. My RE recommends an operative hysteroscopy to see what’s going on.

And I’m numb.

So not only is my uterus a problem, my sisters might be too???

Here I am. Not wanting to have someone else carry my child. But I’m taking the steps.

And once again…bad news.

A thief takes away my hope once again.

Shattered. I’m just shattered.

Why? Why, oh why does this keep happening to me?

And I’m in utter shock. My sister doesn’t seem worried. She is confident she can carry and tells me not to worry…but how can I not? If I am going to put my embryo somewhere, I want it to be in a healthy environment….because if it’s not 100% healthy, then I should just keep trying on myself…

My RE wants to do a sonohystogram on her to see if he can see anything…we set it up..and then my sister has to cancel last minute due to work/stress. She’s not ready to go forward with anything right now. Honestly, I think the news scared her and she just doesn’t want to deal with all of the tests and such.

And I am back to square one.

Lost. Alone. Infertile. Sad. Hopeless.

An angel and a thief…just like that, hope shows it’s face and then it’s stolen away from me once again.

It’s hard to not feel sorry for yourself when things like this happen. I’m not one to do that but wow, I’m being pushed to my limit. And just don’t get it.

But I’ve got to keep going. I’m in too deep now and I won’t stop. I won’t throw in the towel. It’s not in me. I see how people do though and I honestly respect them for it. When they know they can’t do it any longer. When they recognize it and are at peace. I almost wish that I could just move on. I mean, all of these signs are pointing to that…but I just can’t….in my gut…I can’t. I see the face of my child…not clearly…but they are there and I have to try for them.

I mean, my entire life is that…that vision of this unknown child.

So, I keep that vision in my head and move forward. Tears may fall(as I’m writing this) and I wipe them away to continue typing.

And I’ll continue typing and searching to find a way for this child to become a part of my life. Simple as that, I won’t stop until I find a way. There’s a way to everything. Where there’s a will, there’s a way…and I’m not accepting anything less. Not now, not ever for my child. That’s out there.

I must believe.