Tag: Believe

“Are You Going To Have Another?”

Yes, I’m going there…..

You see….I cannot stress enough how it BLOWS MY MIND(cue blood pressure rise) the way some people react when I introduce my son.

It usually goes something like this…

Me: “Hi (family member, friend, co-worker, associate, etc..) this is my new baby W.”

Friend: “Awww, he’s so cute! So, are you guys going to have another?”

Me(inside DYING, ANGRY, FLUSTERED, SAD, SHOCKED)…”Um…well, it took us 5 yrs to have him, he’s only 9 months old and we will need someone to carry another baby if we have one so….I don’t know……..it’s not that easy for us.”

And that usually catches them off guard and then they don’t know what to say next…….

Honestly…what in the heck?!?!?

And this hasn’t been a “one-time” thing…..

No, no, no…this happens almost weekly…

Which brings me to the question….WHY ISN’T ONE ENOUGH??!!

Where in our society does it state that you should have at least 2 children for you to be a complete family(or ANY children at all for that matter?)

This only hurts our infertility community more…putting pressure on us…

Now, I know I am in a unique situation. Not only did I have to go through multiple surgeries, rounds of IVF, failed FET’s, etc… but I also could not carry my son….so you would think other people, who know our story, would be extra sensitive….

Ummm…….nope.

It’s almost like they forgot what we went through…..and unfortunately, I can’t do that..I live with it every…single…day.

After battling infertility, having to use a gestational carrier to bring our child into this world and him being mere months old, you would think we would be able to simply celebrate him with family and friends without any hesitation or remarks reminding me of my barrenness.

Wow..

And to some…maybe I am overreacting….maybe others would not feel this way….

But, I know I don’t have to remind you all (the ones who actually read my blog get it) I can’t just decide that I want go through another IVF cycle and transfer an embryo to my womb…and then boom…here comes baby #2….

Not that easy(and..hello…that’s not easy at all anyways!!!!!)

So, we have one child. And we are THRILLED beyond measure with him.

Can’t I be happy for once? And not be reminded of what I “don’t” have?

It reminds me of this story of when I was still battling and in the throes of infertility, one of my good friends was trying to have a 3rd baby (she has two precious, healthy boys…but she wanted a third…and of course she wanted a girl). One day, she said, “I am just so depressed. I want to be pregnant again. I can’t handle my life right now.” (me inside..DYING..OMG..I don’t have ANY kids…me… who had been trying to have ONE baby for over 4 years!!) But I pulled myself together and with grace said, “Stop, you have two beautiful, healthy boys…all is good.” And she said, “Well, I want to have about 4 kids so all is not good, you just don’t get it.”

And wow…….no, I didn’t get it….because I remember thinking how I would have died to have just one of her sons. I remember thinking how I would love to have 4 kids too…but I don’t know if that would ever happen for me…so one…sure, one would be great….and she already had two….and she was still depressed because she wanted three or four.

Perspective.

I’ve written about it before…but again…It reminds me of this quote I won’t ever forget…..

I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now….

And it’s as simple as that….

Do you remember things you used to pray about that you have now?

Write them down today…or look them in their eyes….and remember how very far you have come my friend…

And if you are still praying for some of those things…keep going…listen to your gut…make decisions…believe…

I’ll be here for you and cannot wait until those prayers are finally answered too…

Oh…and just for future reference….the only time I want you asking me if I’ll have another….is of another glass of champagne…and to that, my answer is YES…a huge, nodding my head, glass out, ready for pour #2…YES!

Cheers loves and have a beautiful Monday….




Answering “Why me?” in 2016….

As 2016 comes to a close tonight……I am humbled…..

For years, I would write about what the new year would hold…2013 I wrote about HERE…2014 I wrote about HERE and 2015 I wrote HERE…..

And in 2016…..I finally got the present that I’ve wished for my entire adult life…….my child.

I still don’t believe it…..

In a weird way…I feel like now, I can’t wish for anything else…because he is here….in my arms….and I don’t want to be “greedy”. I want EVERYONE to have their life dream come true. So if you are reading this and are still in the throes of infertility….I get it. To read about someone else’s happiness(especially when you may be going through one of the hardest times of your life during this holiday season) is really tough. You may think….it’s never going to happen…it seems to happen for everyone else…but not me…..

And boy do I get it….

I never thought this would be the way I would have a child…

It took me a while and it took many unconventional ways to make it happen….

And now, I wouldn’t have it any other way…

I touched on it on my last post...but I want to mention it again…

What I never understood, as I battled infertility, was…….”why me?”

I said it time and time again….waiting for an answer…and for so long I got nothing but bad news after bad news….

And I continued to ask……..”Why me???”

Why was I the one to have a ruptured appendix at age 10 that left me with an overly scarred uterus, only one blocked tube and one barely working ovary?

Why am I the one who is unable to even carry my child….being in less than 1% of the population?

Why am I the one to have all of this, along with a step child…a child that was conceived so easily between two people who seemingly hate one another now? Always a reminder of how easy it is for most…..

Why am I the one?

And now….I ask that same question….but in an entirely different way?

Why was I the one to be blessed with THIS little boy?

He is even better than I could have ever imagined…..

Why me?

And that answer is simple….I had to go through everything I went through for this child to be created….

Numerous IVF cycles, the exact month to retrieve the exact egg and my husband’s exact sperm, my sister offering to carry him for us….

Without infertility…my little boy would not be here…..and that answers why….

If I could’ve only understood that all of those years behind me….

I was depressed…I was lonely…..I was confused…I felt forgotten….

But I was wrong….

And if you are reading this…and you are still battling….realize that something wonderful will happen for you…

It’s happening now…while you are in your struggle….

And there is a reason….a reason for it all….

I know, easy for me to say now,…but again…look at my timeline/life….yep…tons of disappointment after disappointment……..

If you would have told me I wouldn’t even be able to carry my child….I might have said..forget it….

But that’s not how it played out. I had embryos…frozen 2 years before….I needed to give them a chance…

And boy am I ever thankful to have kept going….to accept failure of my own body…keep going….and to trust my gut…….

and someone else’s body with my embryo…..my little guy…

So, if there’s one thing my story can be for you…let it be this….

There is a plan all along…….

The “why me?”……that I asked myself and you may be asking yourself right now as this year comes to a close….

You must believe it will make sense some day…

So “Why me?” ……….well, because…….it HAD to be me……..to get what I have now..this happy, healthy baby…..the baby I was always supposed to have…

And wherever you are with infertility….”Why you?”

I think you know what I’m going to say……..but it HAS to be you….

You will be thankful it was you…you will understand why it’s you….

One day, you will finally be at peace and be able to look into those little eyes and say….

I’m so glad it was me all along…..

I pray you all have a blessed, safe and peaceful 2017!!