Tag: Asherman’s Syndrome

A “Not-So” Friendly Reminder…..

For the past couple of months, I’ve been blissfully taking care of my miracle son. All the struggle. All the money. All the pain. Finally, I can see in his eyes why I kept going. I can also honestly say that I am a different person now that he is here. I am happier. I enjoy every little thing. I appreciate my time. I am filled with joy.
It’s refreshing after so many years of bitterness and defeat.
But days like today remind me…it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
I got a bill in the mail today.
And not just any bill. It’s my son’s hospital bill.
I found it odd that I hadn’t received anything in months but just figured it was taking some time for it to process through insurance. Immediately after he was born, instead of being put on our surrogate’s insurance, he was put under ours at the hospital. And to have that happen, and not have to adopt our own biological child, we had to go through lawyers, sign contracts and pay a hefty sum of money for 2 lawyers (well over $7,000+)….yes, ridiculous.
But obviously, that wasn’t enough.
The insurance covered NOTHING from his 2 days stay at the hospital.
And I am just so sad.
There’s always a reminder that I did not give birth to my son. I could not give birth to my son. I’ll never have given birth to my son.
Such a failure.
And now, thousands and thousand of dollars more. That we really don’t have.
Tears fall as I write this because I don’t understand. Surrogacy is just so much money(even if you’re able to have a family member be your surrogate…but that’s for another post.)
So now, I’m going to have to call the insurance again. Plead my case. Explain my very personal struggle to a stranger…..again.
How unbelievably invasive…and mentally and physically exhausting.
I’ve felt like I’ve been on trial during most of my experience with surrogacy.
I don’t like saying that, since it gave me one of the greatest gifts possible, but the laws and ignorance that still goes along with the word “surrogacy” makes me so angry.

They say: “Surrogacy exclusions”. “Surrogacy is not covered”. “Surrogacy laws”. “Surrogacy bans”. “Surrogacy should not be allowed”. “Surrogacy is not God’s plan.”

How about look at me. As a real person.

Look at my scars.

Tell me I didn’t try with all my might to give birth to my child. Tell me that.

Read MY story. Read my timeline. Look at our drained bank account. See my hair fall out of my head and leave me bald. Watch me inject myself with painful medications month after month…year after year after year…just hoping to make it to an embryo transfer. All failed. No other option with my broken body.

And then look at this perfect little baby. Tell me God did not want him here.

And you are not going to cover him finally entering this world?

I knew I had to fight to bring him into this world…but I thought I could let down my guard a little….but no.

So now, I have to fight for one more thing that most women don’t think twice about….

Always a reminder…of how I was unable to do one of the most natural things in this world…give birth.

I don’t mean for this to be so negative but I thought it was over…at least constantly being judged/criticized for having to use a surrogate…and the money…the loads and loads of money….

But no.

And I guess it doesn’t ever really end…

I just need to get used to it….or, as some of you have written me, “get over it”.

But one major lesson that I’ve learned….you never really understand unless you have truly walked in someone else’s shoes…and not just tried them on…like literally walked in them day after day, month after month, year after year.

So I will wipe my tears….I will be strong once again…..I will stand my ground…and I will get through this…

Breathe in…breathe out….he’s worth it all…and I’ll never stop fighting for him…ever.

 




PTID: Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder

30-LOVE-jumbo

I don’t belong.

I’m not part of my infertility group any more…because I’m expecting.

I’m not part of the pregnant women’s group…because I’m not pregnant……even though I’m expecting.

Lost.

Believe you me…I am THRILLED to be having Baby Joy in a short couple of months(weeks really!!!)….but at the moment, I don’t fit in anywhere.

I think this is one of the things that no one mentions when having to use a gestational surrogate.

When I say, we are having a baby soon…people look at me and question… “But you don’t have a bump?” Nope. “Oh, then you must be adopting?” No. “Then the baby will be your gestational surrogate and husbands DNA?” No. And more questions/statements that I cannot even type out…it goes on and on.

Other than feeling lost…I am trying to understand that this is really happening. It’s REALLY happening.

And I have to remind myself….that it is real.

I know I haven’t updated as often as I would like on here, and once again, I apologize. I wanted to give you all a play-by-play with what is happening…but to be honest with you, even though it’s my own sister carrying our baby, I don’t know everything. She doesn’t live near me. So I try to fly up to as many doctors appointments as I can. Also, she was the one to take the pregnancy test, she was the one to feel Baby Joy kick for the first time, she is the one experiencing it all.

I’m like a cheerleader from the sidelines cheering on their favorite team

I so badly wanted to be a part of that team. But I tried. I did all I could. And it wasn’t meant to be that way.

I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be pregnant…simple as that…and that’s what is happening.

You see what’s really going on….what’s under all of this disbelief and doubt is something called: PTID

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder

Many of you have experienced it for yourself.

~You get a positive pregnancy test, but cannot get too excited because you might miscarry again.

~You have high betas, but you did with your last pregnancy that ended.

~You go to the ultrasound, see the baby, but there is still a chance that something will go wrong.

~You just want to make it to 12 weeks, but you just saw someone lose their baby at 20 weeks and want to wait longer.

The list can go on and on….

See, it’s hard to believe that it’s finally time for something good to happen to you when you have been through so much heartache.

And that’s where I’m at. I want to believe so badly that I will be holding my precious Baby Joy in my arms soon. I WILL be holding him in my arms….but PTID ruins my mind.

I understand that I might be a little more sensitive to this than some but before you judge, please try to walk in my shoes first.

Nothing about infertility is easy. Nothing before, nothing during and nothing after. We are a sisterhood that you can only truly understand if you have been through the same pain and struggle…period.

It bothers me when others find out we are expecting….and expect me to forget the past 4 years of infertility, like it didn’t matter…or it doesn’t matter anymore.

Well, I will tell you one thing. I won’t ever forget. This blog, and you all, my amazing friends that dug me out of deep depressive holes…… I won’t forget it. I guess you could say that Baby Joy would not be here without this blog and the men and women who have supported me throughout this….and now PTID.

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder is real.

I am living it. And it’s ok of you are too. We are in this together.

If you have experienced PTID, comment below and let others know they are not alone…

We will get through this.

(Photo Credit: Brian Rea)