Tag: Adoption

“When” Instead of “If” In 2018

“When I have a child…”

I remember saying that….over and over in my head. For years and years. Some would say to me “If you have a child…”, and I would correct them and say, “When I have a child…” And they would apologize, nod their head….pretending to understand…but knowing they didn’t…..

“When” instead of “If”….

One simple change of words….it’s significant though, isn’t it?

Say both sentences out loud…. “If I have a child.” or “When I have a child.”……different mindset, right?

And I knew THAT’S how I wanted to think about my future….THAT’S how I would get through the mounting struggle…year after year…..knowing that whatever I had to do…I would get there…

So here we go friends…this is a pep talk…

As the new year approaches…I know all too well how it stings when you’ve wanted to be a parent for so long and have not gotten there…….yet.

I was not sure WHEN it was going to happen…but I knew it would.

And I’m not one of those people saying..”Never give up!” “You’ll get pregnant naturally, just keep trying and relax!”

Ummm…no.

Not saying that doesn’t happen(because it does) but it just didn’t happen for me.

I had to give up on my body…period. And then I had to decide if I wanted to take the next step. I could have stopped there and said I was done. And I recently wrote about being done and giving up all together…because once you know…you know. And those that are forced to give up are some of the strongest people I know.

But for me….I couldn’t quite let go….in my gut…and my heart…..now, I wasn’t saying I was definitely getting pregnant or having a biological child…I was simply saying that whether it be my biological child, or if I could or could not carry my child, or if it would be a donor egg or sperm or adoption or fostering…some way, some how…. I WOULD become a Mother.

“WHEN I have a child…”

I put it out there. I was disappointed so many times…especially with my own body…which, I know many of you are feeling now.

Some of you are being told by doctors that you only have a 1% chance at becoming a parent. Or that you might never become a parent(which is what I was told).

And they couldn’t be more wrong.

Maybe you have a 1% chance at carrying your own biological child.

But NOT at becoming a parent…again…they could not be more wrong.

Genetics and biology are not the only way that “make” you a parent.

The definition of parent is this: “be or act as a mother or father to (someone)”

Even the online dictionary gets it….

So to kick off 2018….you’ll have to make some decisions…some you’ll be forced to make…and some you’ll choose to make…

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together….

That’s what happened to me…

And my “If”…turned to “When”…

and became my “Now”

My “now” is what I dreamed of for so long…this “now” seemed so far away…for so long…. but it’s here…

All of the pain, all of the sacrifice, all of the struggle….

Brought me to now…

Make 2018 your “Now” my friends…

Sending peace, love, blessings and joy to you all!

Bring on 2018!!!!

“You Are So Lucky”

shamrock-lucky-icon

Yep…that’s what someone said to me recently when I opened up about about my struggle to get pregnant.

What? Lucky??

Exactly what I thought. WHAT??

I explained how we went through all of these treatments for over 3 years and I might have to have someone else carry our child.
Her response,” Well, at least you don’t have to ruin your body with a pregnancy. “You are so lucky.”

I could not believe those words came out of her mouth….seriously???

Did she not hear me when I said we’ve been through 9 cycles…3 IVF and 6 FET cycles?? Pretty much hell. And I’ve got nothing to show for it? And now, I have to take another chance and pray that this…ANOTHER huge sacrifice…not being able to carry my child…will lead me to my children?

Unbelievable.

And this….this, my friends, is why sometimes….I just want to keep it all to myself.

One day…I just want to show up with a baby…to just feel “normal” again. I feel like such an outsider 99% of the time. And now, having to have someone else possibly carry my child..one more thing to add to my “luck”

I know life isn’t fair. But wow…I’m just over all of this. I literally don’t want to start the next steps.

I thought not getting pregnant the old fashioned way was tough.

I thought having to make an appt. with an RE was tough.

I thought having 2 HSG’s, 3 Sono HSG’s, 5 abdominal surgeries, 2 hysteroscopies, 3 IVF’s, 6 FET’s, 2 experimental treatments, only one ovary, hydrosalpinx, ruptured appendix, covered in scar tissue, DOR, Crohns, Endometriosis, chronically thin lining, Asherman’s Syndrome, thousands of blood draws and hundreds of fertility injections was tough.

But being told that you can’t carry a child….I think that takes the cake.

I mean……and someone had the audacity to say I’m “lucky”

Wow.

Gets to my heart. How people truly have no idea how much their words hurt and how it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

But this is my life. I didn’t choose it but I have no choice but to keep going. My eye is on the prize.

The steps towards having someone else carry your child…a gestational carrier/surrogate or adoption is OVERWHELMING…to say the least. When people say, “You can always JUST adopt”, I want to rip their head off…I mean…do they not know the hoops you have to jump through? That adoption still costs a TON of money, isn’t “easy” and has emotional implications as well? Just ask My Perfect Breakdown. Following her journey gives me insight into the adoption process…and truly appreciate her sharing the good and the bad.

Either way, surrogacy or adoption, the expense is just too much. The process is just too much. The RE’s really don’t know how to handle it…since not many women have to go the route of surrogacy and it leaves me…once again, feeling alone…and wanting to hide.

I thought having to explain my infertility to others was tough but now, the thought of me having to explain how someone else will carry my child makes me want to run away and start a new life…where I don’t have to do this.

I don’t want to do this. It seriously makes me sick.

Why do I have to be the one that has to explain my infertility and surrogacy to the world?

That’s how it feels.

Why was I one of the chosen ones to do this?

I know I am strong but honestly…I’m not that strong…I just put on a good front…and that’s the truth.

But here I am…writing my story to the world.

My story.

I never dreamed this would be my struggle.

I thought something before this would work…whether it would be charting, timing, taking Clomid, Femara, IUI, IVF, IVF, IVF, ICSI..etc…

But surrogacy or adoption? I never could have dreamed…

And then….literally (as I was typing this) I didn’t know what to write next. I stopped and look at my phone and saw I had an email from someone named Alyssa.

I read her email…and then it all made sense. She wrote such a kind email. She thanked me for my blog and then said:

“Thank you for being the voice for us, the broken mangled couples that struggle to breathe. You are an inspiration and are adored by people you will never meet, you are our voice, comfort and fellow fighter. You help me take the next breath that will bring me strength.”

And that’s why I am here.

That is exactly why I am here.

To be YOUR voice.

If you’ve felt alone, angry, hurt, mangled, lost or want to hide.

I WILL BE YOUR VOICE.

I’ve struggled to accept my infertility.

I never thought I was “lucky.”

But after getting emails like this, from men and women around the world…

I know why I’m here. To share my story.

So I guess I am “lucky” in a way.

Lucky that I have a voice and will fight for us all.

And I am blessed and “lucky” to have found you all…the men and women that support me.

So thank you for that my “Good Luck” charms 😉 You are appreciated more than you know.