Category: Women

Operative Hysteroscopy #3-Return of The Scar Tissue

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I’ve been meaning to write this post for a little while..so here we go:

After I got the disheartening news regarding my sister and going down the road of surrogacy, I thought to myself…well, I guess it’s back on me.

I thought long and hard that maybe this was all supposed to happen like this…

To force myself to be left with only my womb.

For some reason, I saw it as a sign….so I went back to my sonohystogram pics that I had last IVF from March 2015…and there seemed to be some sort of growth…and it didn’t look right to me.

So I called Dr. March again. Btw…Dr. March is one of the most admired gynecological surgeons in the world. I mean, I’ve been to MANY RE’s and spoken to numerous Dr.’s around the world and whenever I mention his name, respect and admiration flow in abundance. He also happens to be one of the nicest surgeons I have ever met. Probably the best bedside manner ever. Anyways, I digress, He performed my 2nd hysteroscopy and is an Asherman’s Specialist. I showed him my pics and he was confident that scar tissue had grown back…….not good at all.

So I scheduled my 3rd operative hysteroscopy.

It’s never fun but I guess you can say I’m getting used to going to the hospital and being put under, not something I look forward to but I’m getting pretty good at it. I kissed my hubby goodbye and off I went into surgery.

2 hours later….I woke up to Dr. March telling me all of the additional scar tissue he found. He said that my uterus looked like it was “hourglass” shaped due to the dense adhesions in the mid fundus area on both sides 🙁 There was also a small amount of fluid and a small hematoma in the top of the uterus midline filled with old blood.

Well…isn’t that all…just great(insert extreme sarcasm)

Why does this keep happening? It doesn’t make any sense. Even to my RE’s.

He also inserted a Cook balloon stent and I had that in for about 2 weeks. I had a Cook stent in last time too…and that is supposed to keep scar tissue from reforming…but for some reason my scar tissue continues to reform and I had a small hematoma(???)

All of this is just not good friends. I ran this by my other RE and he said that scar tissue shouldn’t continue to reform if there is adequate endometrium to carry a pregnancy. He also mentioned that even if I were to get pregnant that I am at a significantly higher risk for placental problems and pre-term delivery….

So what in the h*ll am I still doing?!?

Why do I continue to put myself through pure torture? Emotionally, physically and financially???

I had my follow-up with Dr. March. I couldn’t really read him this time. He’s usually pretty positive, but this time, he simply recommended I have ANOTHER hysteroscopy. omg. Seriously, I don’t know if my cervix or uterus can take this anymore. It wouldn’t be an operative hysteroscopy but and in-office hysteroscopy during mid-cycle. He wants to view what is actually happening inside of my uterus during a natural cycle and why my lining continues to stay thin.

So, that’s what we will do.

Hysteroscopy #4…and that’s next week.

I almost feel like my body isn’t mine anymore. Honestly.

SO many surgeries. So much medicine. So many shots, hormones, anesthesia. So many times I’ve had to block the pain.

SO much heartache.

How can one person handle all of this?

Sometimes I feel like I am running in a circle, I keep doing the same things over and over again…but then, when I try to get out of the circle(like surrendering to surrogacy), I get thrown back in and denied.

What else can I do?

As I type this, no kidding, I hear a baby crying outside of my window.

To some, it’s a nuisance……but to me, it’s the most magical sound in the world. 

And that’s why I am doing this. To hear that sound. To love that sound.

To cherish that sound and all it encompasses.

For if everyone would have to go through my (our) challenges of becoming a mother, children would be cherished beyond words.

They would be loved beyond measure.

They would be seen as the miracles that they truly are.

So if you have one of those miracles, think of me.

You are living my dream.

Because remember…..

Sometimes, what we take for granted is the miracle someone else is praying for.

I’ll keep praying for my miracle…I believe one day it will come true, I must believe.

 

 

“She’s Not My Mommy”

I’m going to share something that I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned before on this blog. I’ll explain it in a bit..but here’s the backstory:

I was 7 when my parents divorced and unfortunately, for me, I remember everything. So many times I wished that I never knew my parents together…I wish they divorced when I was like 2…but they didn’t and I remember.

I didn’t quite understand it all. But I knew one thing.

They hated each other.

My Mom and Dad would say the meanest things about one another…to me. I felt so lost during that time. I remember vividly getting so upset one time that I said something extremely profound for a 7 year old…I said…”Dad, when you say mean things about Mom…I am 1/2 of her too…so you’re saying mean things about me…I am 1/2 of BOTH of you….and it makes me sad.”

You would think that would have ended it…that they would have been “grown-ups”….but it didn’t. It continued on…and honestly still does.

So this brings me to my step-mom.

She wasn’t very loving. She didn’t have any children of her own(my Dad had a vasectomy after us). She smoked cigarettes starting at 7am. She drank an entire bottle of wine a day…morning and night.

And that’s what a step-mom was to me.

But here goes……I’m actually a step-mom.

Even when I type that word I cringe a bit…

I never wanted to be a step-mom. But the man that I fell in love with has a child. A little girl.

When I met her, she was only 1. She was a baby. I thought, well, this should be easier because she’s so young. She will always know me in her life. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink heavily. I won’t be like my step-mom and I’ll definitely have a brother or sister for her very soon. They can grow up together and everything will work out.

Well, 5+ years later….she’s 6 now. And still not a brother or sister for her.

And after recently spending some time with her, I realized…I may be her “step-mom” and “mom” might be part of my title but she makes it very clear. When kids at the playground refer to me as her “Mom”, she’s quick to correct them…”She’s not my Mommy”. The kids look confused but she continues playing. Another little girl refers me as her “Mom” and she gets frustrated, shaking her head, saying a little louder, “She’s NOT my Mommy!”

My heart breaks.

I know I am not her Mommy. And I know I will never be.

Which makes not being able to have my own child that much more heartbreaking.

This child, came into this world unplanned. My husband and her mother were not even together for 1 year.

And here I am…sitting here after 5 years…longing and begging for a child that will call ME….”Mommy”.

I want their face to light up with joy when they say those words.

But instead, I get a scowl. I get disappointment. I get, “She’s not my Mommy.”

Infertility is one of the most heartbreaking things that a couple can go through. But going through infertility while watching the product of your husband and his ex…this child they created…grow up….honestly, just devastates me at times.

How this child can come out of a “fling” before we met just kills me.

Why am I in this situation? I know I didn’t have to choose to be with him…I chose him knowing that he had a child. But I thought WE would have a child too.

This is where I am struggling.

We recently sat down and had the “living child free” talk together.

He was extremely open to it. He’s seen how much pain and hurt I have been through these past years. And honestly, the financial burden is a whole other ballgame. It all sucks.

He said, “I am happy with us.” “I love our life.” “I can be happy if it’s just you and me forever.”

And then he said….”Don’t you feel the same way?”

I paused…and said, “No.” “I don’t think I could be happy with just you and me…..because it’s not just you and me.” “You have a daughter.” “You have that part of your life too….someone that calls you Daddy…and that’s what I want too…someone to call me Mommy.”

Honestly, if it was just he and I….I might be able to do it. I might be able to live child-free if it was truly just US……but it’s not…it’s me, him and his daughter…and that’s where it all changes.

So that’s where I am at with living child-free. Some people have recently asked me if that was a possibility and this is the best way that I can describe it. I 100% support those that live child-free, again, if I wasn’t in this situation…it might be an easier decision for me…it might be the decision for me.

So I continue searching for my answers. Doors continue to close. I feel sadness, I feel frustration, I feel desperate…i’ll admit it….I AM DESPERATE.

But I know none of that helps.

So I press on. I’m looking at more surgeries, I’m looking into surrogacy, adoption, I’m still looking into experimental procedures and I will update you all as they progress.

But one thing I know for sure…..I am not giving up on my child that is out there.

Because for me….giving up is a lot harder than trying.

So that’s what I’ll do…keep trying…

To one day be called, “Mommy.”

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