Category: Women

You’ve Won The Lottery!

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Congratulations!

Now, what would you do?

Have you thought about this question? I’m sure you have, and many others have as well. Most people would say they want to buy a new car, or their dream home, a tropical vacation, pay off their bills, maybe even donate to charity or never work again.

I’ve never wanted to win the lottery.

Seriously.

I’ve never really cared much for money. Sounds weird, I know, but let me explain.

I never had much growing up. Money broke my family apart. My Mom and Dad divorced over money. I had 3 jobs in college to get money to pay for my classes and housing. I moved out to California with $500 and no car. But I knew I would be ok. I’d find a job, I’d make it.

I never worried about money…even though I never seemed to have enough. So, honestly, I should have really wanted to win the lottery…right??

Nope. Not really. I had goals. I loved the challenge. I made $18,000 my first year living in Los Angeles. $18,000. I lived with 4 girls, shared a bedroom, walked to work, used TONS of coupons for food…I made it work.

I would always make it work. I never worried because I knew with hard work and determination….anything can be accomplished.

Until infertility.

And my whole world changed. My life has changed. I have changed. And I will forever be changed because of this disease.

You see because, to me, every woman who is able to give birth to her child has won the lottery in my mind.

Yes, if you are a Mom, YOU have won the lottery!

Sure, it’s not millions of dollars….but guess what folks, millions of dollars cannot buy what you have.

Have you ever thought of that?

Because, no matter how much money I save or spend, no matter how many treatments I go through, no matter how much research I do, no matter what Dr/RE/Scientist I meet with, no matter how many times I actually WIN the lottery…even if I won millions of dollars, if it’s not in God’s plan for me to have a child. I won’t.

In my heart, I don’t believe that, but it just got me thinking.

So many people say if they had more money things would be different, life would be better.

Sure, for some people, some things might be different, but would your LIFE be better?

If you had a choice to win $10,000,000 or be able to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby, which would you choose?

Think about it……

Did you choose?

Because, I don’t even get a choice.

Think about that, if you HAD to choose…what would it be?

Sure some would say 10 million dollars and , “just adopt”, get a surrogate, use donor eggs, etc.

But for those of you that are able to get pregnant and actually have your own biological child, would you trade your child for $10,000,000?

Seriously, would you?

Now, take away $10,000,000 and replace it with $80,000 of debt trying to have a baby and still not being able to have a child.

That’s my life. No choice. Thousands of dollars in debt, no baby, no lottery win for me.

I don’t think most people get that. They don’t understand how lucky they are to be able to have a child.

Either way….if you have a child, you have won the lottery, my friend.

Those of us battling infertility…..heartbreaking, soul-consuming infertility.

We don’t get that.

So, the next time you complain about being pregnant or complain about your child, or complain about anything really….just stop……

And remember, you’ve won the lottery. Life is good.

The Truth About Being More Infertile, Than Infertiles

( btw…I hate the word “infertile” but I couldn’t find another word that would make sense)

The truth about being more infertile, than infertiles……

Is there even a thing?

Yes, I’m here to tell you….yes, there is.

And, I’m reminded of that today.

As we speak……I’m being “lapped” by infertiles.

I’ve touched on this topic before but basically, it’s infertile women having their 2nd child before I’ve even had my first. Now, sure, being lapped by fertiles…..happens almost every, single day.

But infertiles, people that are supposed to be like me???

(cue, punch to the gut)

O.k…now, this is simply an observation and raw personal truth. Please do not see this as me not supporting other infertile women, because that’s not my point at all.

I’ve been here a while. 1,280 days to be exact. And, no, this is not a competition. I know plenty of women who have been trying to conceive A LOT longer, and even some with more complex issues.

But think of it this way, when you find a group of women that you feel you can finally relate to…you open up to them…share your deepest secrets, and they fight hard, pray hard, research hard, just like you, and their dream finally comes true. They get pregnant and have a baby. You all celebrate together! They say, “You are next”, and you feel in your heart that it’s true…it happened for them…it will happen for me!

And then……….it doesn’t….like, years go by………. and it doesn’t.

And you try to relate to this group, that you’ve come to love….and you can no longer relate.

It’s like you’re peeking in the window of a beautiful party. You were invited, a couple of times before. And then things change, and you’re not invited this time. You show up, dressed appropriately, you bring a gift but you don’t have the credentials to enter. You are not a MOM. And you no longer belong….even with other infertiles.

Their posts are no longer related to infertility, but of their beautiful growing child. And then comes the time when they start talking about a sibling. And they get pregnant….again.

And you’re still in the same place you were over 3 1/2 years ago. Does it hurt? I will not lie…deep down, it certainly does. Jealousy rears it’s ugly head in no matter how happy I try to feel for them. Why are they blessed with a second child before I even am able to have one? And then I snap out of it. I tell myself…stop comparing and don’t let jealousy in! Because let’s be real, I want to be where they are…I want to get over this HUGE mountain to the other side…desperately.

But then you question yourself…have you done everything you can? Should you try something else? Should you see another Dr.? Get a 4th opinion? Spend more money? Pray more?

And then you’ve also seen miracles happen. With your own eyes.

Women who I actually KNOW battling infertility and only by God’s grace…they’re pregnant (Suz, Lily, T, to name a few). Women JUST like me…with my problems…got pregnant naturally…no meds, no planning, no vitamins….nada. They do have one up on me…they have tubes, I don’t 🙁 So, unfortunately, that won’t happen for me but it would be a MIRACLE even if I got pregnant through IVF with my uterus…and a tiny bit of hope creeps in when think of that….and as quickly as hope creeps in…reality sets in…and more disappointment.

I’ll write a medical update soon…but it’s not good folks…like really bad. And sad. I hate to leave you on that note…but that’s the reality of infertility.

If you are able to have a child in some way….I encourage you to stare at that face, memorize it, kiss that child of yours and thank God for him/her every…single…day.

Because for me, it is all a dream.

When I think of my child, I cannot see their face. I cannot hold them. I cannot kiss them. I cannot be there for them. I cannot simply love them.

I can only dream of that day.

So if you have a child…you are living my dream.

You are living my dream.

And I can only pray that one day my dream will come true too.

This song sums up my life right now: Dream- Imagine Dragons

“Everything’s a mess….but I want to dream, I want to dream, Leave me to dream…..”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWu7JDETw_I

Dreams