Category: Women

But She Had An Abortion

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(First, let me start off by saying this will not be a “Pro Life” or “Pro Choice” post. I respect everyone’s personal opinions…and let’s leave it at that.)

There are so many things that I don’t understand in this world. You can only try to learn so much, understand so much and accept so much.

Then there are things that happen that I might never understand.

Let me give you the backstory:

2 friends, 2 years ago, one was in the throes battling infertility(me) and the other was dating and had just signed up for a new dating app, Tinder(N). She would talk to me about all of her dating adventures…honestly, they made me laugh. It was entertaining and she was having fun but I knew she wanted to settle down…actually, she was kind of desperate to settle down. She was 33 and thinking about having a baby….but she still needed to find the right guy.

I, on the other hand, had already found the right guy 🙂 I was married and would tell her stories about trying to have a baby. I had just accepted the fact that my husband and I might not ever have a child without medical intervention and we took the giant leap to go through IVF #1 in November 2013. As many of us know, going through your first IVF cycle…everything is overwhelming. You try to prepare yourself, but the outcome is never known. You can have 30 eggs retrieved and have 0 blastocysts. Or you can have 1 egg retrieved and have 1 blastocyst that becomes your child. We had 5 eggs retrieved. Unfortunately, November 2013 wasn’t our time and, as you all know, I am still struggling to bring our child into this world.

N, continued dating and having fun but no one was really serious. She started dating this one guy but it fizzled after about 2 months. Then I stopped hearing from her. I would text and just get some short answers. Sometimes that happens with friends if they are busy with a work project or something so I wasn’t too concerned.

Until I heard through the grapevine that she was pregnant.

(cue heart break and gut punch)

She got pregnant by the guy she dated on Tinder for 2 months. One of those months….she got pregnant.

But as quickly as she was pregnant….she wasn’t.

She decided to have an abortion.

And it was gone.

The ONE miracle that I pray for everyday, was her nightmare that she prayed against that day.

“How can one person’s only dream be another’s nightmare?”

That is the one question I don’t think anyone can answer.

I was numb. I couldn’t believe it and honestly, still have a hard time thinking about that time in my life. 2 years ago.

But as we all know, as time goes by, you heal. I healed. She healed.

Very soon after, she met a wonderful guy. I knew he was the one for her. And just this past July 2015, they got married. It was a beautiful wedding and love was in the air.

Now we are here, November 2015, 4 months after they got married and she just announced this week, they are pregnant. 3 months along.

And once again, I feel a punch to the gut. Somehow bigger than the first.

And numbness ensues. Not many tears. Just unfeeling numbness.

I then dared to ask the question to God…I tried not to…but I couldn’t control myself.

“Why God, why does she get the blessing of a child when she had an abortion?!”

For a moment, my numbness turns to anger. I’m actually angry at God.

I usually don’t get angry at God, even for my situation.

But this?

It just doesn’t make sense. And I know, many of you will say, well, it doesn’t need to make sense to you. Fair enough. But can’t I still question it??

Like, WHY am I having to live through this? Why does it have to be MY friend that has an abortion and then gets pregnant again the second she wants to??

Will I ever understand?? No, I really don’t think so…and I need to accept that…

But it hurts….it hurts so much that I can’t even explain it.

Hurt after hurt. Disappointment after disappointment. Pregnancy and after pregnancy.

How much can one person take? I’m only human…and I must remember that.

This song gets me…..Human by Christina Perri:

I know you’ve heard it before…but it makes so much sense to me today.

“I can take so much, til I’ve had enough

Cuz, I’m only human.”

I mentioned in my last post how I dislike the way I feel…jealousy, hurt, forgotten.

But I must remind myself…I’m only human. And it’s o.k. to feel that way.

Let’s give ourselves a break today.

Because we are ALL only human.

And let’s not forget that.

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrating Your Day Of Birth

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Birth.

Every day we celebrate it throughout the world.

Whether giving birth or celebrating the anniversaries of birth…”birth”days.

And yesterday happened to be my day.

I guess, for me, because it has been so hard for me to get pregnant and bring someone into this world on their “birth”day….I appreciate it that much more. I am so very thankful that it all fell into place for me to be here but it doesn’t come without some forethought as well.

Here I am. I turned 38 yesterday. Not 28…..38.

I honestly, cannot believe I am still here trying to have a child. Not my second or my third. My very first child. Tears start forming in my eyes as I type this…but it is so true. I never, ever imagined being here, childless, helpless, confused and getting older by the minute. I’ve recently read some other bloggers sad that they are turning 29 or 30 and how depressed they are that their fertility is slipping away from them…wow…

So where does that leave me? I’m pushing 40 folks and I have no control over it. I’ve tried to control it. I tried having a baby literally the second I got married…at 34….almost 4 years ago. I thought I was safe. I thought I would be like everyone else and get pregnant when I wanted to. And then it didn’t happen. And not only did it not happen when I wanted it to…I don’t know if it will ever happen. According to my Dr.’s, it won’t ever happen…and if it miraculously happens, I would be at risk, the baby would be at risk and all the joy and utter excitement of having a child would be taken from me…just as it has been these past 4 years.

So am I in a lose, lose situation?

I tried swallowing that hard fact that I may never be able to carry my child. A hard acceptance as it is, moving onto using a gestational carrier. I was blessed beyond words to have my wonderful sister offer to carry for us…more than many have as an option. And once again, I was faced with the sobering news of disappointment…her uterus did not look normal on the ultrasound or sonohystogram and she would need to have an operative hysteroscopy. She won’t be able to carry for us at this time.

Talk about gutted. Shot down once again.

I feel boxed in a corner. I feel helpless. I feel anxious. I feel like I’m being punished for something I did. I also feel….

Jealous.

I’ll admit it…I am jealous. I hate that I feel this way….and I’ve always tried to live my life to be thankful for what I have and not covet what others have.

I’m jealous of so much these days. I’m even jealous of other infertile women because they: have 2 ovaries, because they actually have tubes and can try “naturally”, a normal lining thickness, because they are 28, because they only had to go through 1 IVF cycle…how sick is that?? I’m jealous of women who “only” had to go through 1 IVF cycle…even “only” 2 IVF cycles….insane.

Is that what it’s come to? Me being jealous of what others see as their “nightmare”..having to go through IVF?

Why does it all have to be SO hard…I just don’t get it. I’ve tried to understand it. I’ve tried to follow the signs. I’ve tried to listen to the Dr.’s. I’ve then ignored the Dr.’s.

I’ve prayed…and I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed.

And I’m still here. With eyes of jealousy….that I truly despise.

I don’t like myself right now. My jealous, 38 year old self.

Yuck.

I apologize for the whining….and on my birthday…lovely.

But I don’t hold it back from you all…I never have and I never will…this is the unedited truth and it needs to be told too.

Every infertility hardship doesn’t always end in ultrasound printouts, cute baby bump pics and clever birth announcements.

That needs to be said.

It needs to be said for other women like me, struggling to simply walk outside fearing a run-in with a pregnant women, or dodging numerous baby strollers on my way to work or just logging onto Facebook.

This post is for other women, turning another year older, sitting at your computer or on your phone reading this, wondering if your dream of having a child is simply just that….only a dream and questioning if you will ever see that child’s face you’ve pictured in your head as your own.

So, this birthday wish is for us all.

I’ll wish for what I do every year because I can dream that one day it will all come true.

That I’ll be holding my child in my arms on my next birthday.

I’ve wished for that every…single…..year these past 4 years.

I thought…, 2012 is the year, then definitely by 2013. Then it turned to 2014. Then 2015…now it’s 2016.

So, I’m 38 and it will be 2016…and I am wishing, once again for that dream to come true.

I pray that I get pregnant and deliver my healthy child in 2016

Please Lord, hear my prayer.

Blowing out my candles, that’s my only wish….To have my child in my arms next year at this time.

So simple for most…yet unbearably complex for a few.

That’s all I want though.

And every birthday, I will continue to make that same wish…

Until it comes true.

Here’s to 38 and wishes finally coming true.

(and a champagne cheers to you all..because we can…xo)