Category: Thin Endometrial Lining

Scars Between My Fingers

I sit here looking at my hands. They are dry and cracked from washing bottles in hot water. And I couldn’t be happier about that….but I notice something else too…..

Little scars between my fingers…on only two fingers…but I can still see them.

As I clasp my hands together to pray before dinner….I realize why they are there….

During infertility, there were times where I would pray so hard, my rings would rub up against my other fingers….causing them to bleed a little…and it left tiny scars…
I didn’t notice at the time because, with infertility, I was in so much pain, mentally and physically, that I was numb to feeling much else…

So many things I didn’t notice during the dark days……..

I know I write a lot about the hard times on this blog. It took us almost 5 years to have a child. I was incapable of even carrying my child. Infertility has been a big part of my life and I remember scouring the internet to find someone…anyone who had all of my problems….I didn’t find anyone with ALL of my problems but I did find some that I could relate to…and I held on tight to those…..like in prayer….

Every feeling they felt, every procedure, every vitamin, every doctor…I wanted to know it all. And I prayed for them…and most of them succeeded in pregnancy….and then their blogs would go silent….never hear from them again…

I never understood why….but I’m slowly understanding….

My audience……most of my followers and readers find my blog while searching for infertility.

Infertility.

They want to have a baby.

So once an infertility blogger has a baby….the blogger is either done writing, they have conquered their goal or it turns into a parenting/baby blog….

If 5 years ago, I searched for an infertility blog and the first thing I saw was a cute baby pic…it would be a punch to the gut a little(just being completely honest)..I obviously would have wanted to know they eventually succeeded but being in such a depressed, fragile, lonely state..searching for infertility blogs…I wanted information about diagnosis, treatments, procedures, timelines, experience, doctors…I could go on and on…

So this blog won’t have any more pictures of my baby boy. He is here, he is safe, he is growing and if you do want to see more pictures of him growing up, you can follow me on my new Instagram account @changingdiapers 🙂

Mark my word, I am thrilled beyond words to have my son, but like I wrote about in this post, I didn’t “beat” infertility..so I’ll continue to fight and try to find procedures and doctors and treatments for those like me. And I’ll continue to call scientists and researchers and doctors around the world to find the most up-to-date information on everything in the reproductive endocrinology world.

You see…because I think I have finally found my purpose…..I’ll write more about this in another post…but there’s a reason I started this blog years ago..to help those wanting to have a child…simple…yet so overwhelmingly complex….

And like these scars on my fingers…the memories and struggles of infertility are scars in my mind…I can’t ever fully forget about them…..

So I’m not about to forget about you….still battling, still fighting, still crying every night…

Still collecting scars…..

I’m still here for you….and I’m not going anywhere.

 




Everything Changes: Encouragement on the Eve of Thanks

Last year at this time….I was lost….I mean, bottom of the barrel…lonely, depressed, lost…
I had been trying to have a baby for over 4 years….
And nothing worked……nothing
So many IVF cycles, failed FET cycles and then…my uterus would just not cooperate…..I was at a low in my life…I didn’t know what I should do next….
I would go for long walks alone often…and many times I would pass smiling mothers pushing their baby carriages/prams….
And it hurt…
I know others happiness should not hurt me…but if I’m honest…it did….because I felt like such an outsider….like it may never happen for me…..
After all of this…would my life ever change? They seem so happy…carefree….will I ever get to experience being a mother? God…will I??
And at the exact moment as I thought those thoughts…a new song came in my headphones…I had never heard it before…from one of my favorite artists……and I will never forget it….
Everything Changes by Sara Barailles…

Here are the lyrics:
Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on him sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you
So many tears fell from my eyes….uncontrollable tears…I felt the song was made for me. It was telling me….everything WILL change…
And it kept me going….it helped me believe when I wasn’t sure I could believe any longer….
One little song…
I’m sure Sara Barailles will never read this…but her words were so powerful to me…
And I want them for you….
My friend reading this….everything will change for you……some day…
You might be at the lowest low you have ever felt…..and I get it…
But remember…everything can change in an instant…in one day
Never stop fighting for YOU…..you are allowed to “give up” on infertility…I did and wrote about it here….
And look at where I am now by “giving up”…..I was able to give my son a chance at life by giving up on my body and have someone else carry him….if I would have kept trying on myself…he probably would not be here today….
When my son was born…I was reborn too….just like the song says……
I feel different…..I truly feel reborn…
And during this holiday season….I simply want to be here for you reading this still battling for your child….as a survivor that made it through…to the other side…
Because I remember….and I will never forget….the pain, the jealousy, the torture, the wait, the patience, the sadness…it all……
And when “everything changes” for you….I hope you can look back and use all of those feelings as strength to show someone else a little love and light to help get them through hard times…
I dedicate this song to my son W….You are more than I could have ever imagined little boy…..
“What did I do to deserve you?….I Thank God for You”
Blessing to you all this Thanksgiving…..