Category: Thin Endometrial Lining

Giving Up = Strength

June 2015- I was thinking about giving up on my body after years of disappointment.

August 2015-I gave up on my body and started the process of gestational surrogacy.

I had to give up. I gave up on my body. Others give up on their genetics(donor eggs/sperm donor). Others give up on both their body and their genetics(foster/adoption). And others are simply forced to give up all together. And when enough is enough, it is a very personal decision. You know when you are done. And anyone that wants to judge you for your decision has obviously never walked in your shoes.

You see because this really isn’t even a decision that is ours to make now, is it?

We have been diagnosed with infertility…it is a disease. Period. We did not choose this part of our life.

While I was going through it all. I would question…”why me?” A LOT.

And I was lost for so many years. I just kept trying different treatments, vitamins, injections, surgeries, etc…all in an attempt to grow my lining to carry my child.

But nope. Wasn’t happening.

So I gave up.

And now, after it all…I have a one year old little boy.

So many people tell me….”See, you never gave up!” And I have to correct them…that I DID give up. If I wouldn’t have given up, most likely this little boy would not be here….

And for that I say….sometimes, you have to give up.

Giving up is not an easy thing to do. You lose a part of yourself by giving up.

You lose the life you THOUGHT you were supposed to live…..

And that is such a hard pill to swallow.

Social media doesn’t help…as everyone posts their “best” selves….and their “perfect” lives…

But no one is perfect…and behind those gorgeous, filtered, perfectly posed pictures is heartache of some sort..

Infertility is a special kind of heartache that most cannot see by simply looking at you…

So when you “give up”, many don’t get it….

And most won’t ever get it….

Because, once again, this “choice”…it’s not that at all…..just like those “perfect” social media pictures…

So when someone gives up…instead of asking “why”, or “why don’t you try this”, or “why didn’t you try that”

How about saying, “I have no idea how you are feeling but just know that I’m here for you.”

Giving up is one of the strongest decisions you are forced to make…..

And the ones who have given up are some of the strongest men and women I know.




 

Answering “Why Me?” During NIAW 2017….

As National Infertility Awareness Week begins……I am humbled…..and wanted to revisit something I’ve mentioned before…

For years, I would write about what each new year would hold…2013 I wrote about HERE…2014 I wrote about HERE and 2015 I wrote HERE…..

And in 2016…..I finally got the present that I’ve wished for my entire adult life…….my child.

I still don’t believe it…..

In a weird way…I feel like now, I can’t wish for anything else…because he is here….in my arms….and I don’t want to be “greedy”. I want EVERYONE to have their life dream come true. So if you are reading this and are still in the throes of infertility….I get it. To read about someone else’s happiness(especially when you may be going through one of the hardest times in your life) is really tough. You may think….it’s never going to happen…it seems to happen for everyone else…but not me…..

And boy do I get it….

I never thought this would be the way I would have a child…

It took me a while and it took many unconventional ways to make it happen….

And now, I wouldn’t have it any other way…

I touched on it on in another post…but I want to mention it again…

What I never understood, as I battled infertility, was…….”why me?”

I said it time and time again….waiting for an answer…and for so long I got nothing but bad news after bad news….

And I continued to ask……..”Why me???”

Why was I the one to have a ruptured appendix at age 10 that left me with an overly scarred uterus, only one remaining blocked tube and one barely working ovary?

Why am I the one to have negative diagnosis after negative diagnosis and no matter what we tried, my body failed?

Why am I the one who is unable to even carry my child….being in less than 1% of the population?

Why am I the one?

And now….I ask that same question….but in an entirely different way?

Why was I the one to be blessed with THIS little boy?

He is even better than I could have ever imagined…..

Why me?

And that answer is simple….I had to go through everything I went through for this child to be created….

Numerous IVF cycles, the exact month to retrieve the exact egg and my husband’s exact sperm, my sister offering to carry him for us….

Without infertility…my little boy would not be here…..and that answers why….

If I only could’ve understood that all of those years behind me….

I was depressed…I was lonely…..I was confused…I felt forgotten….

But I was wrong….

And if you are reading this…and you are still battling….realize that something wonderful can happen for you…

It’s happening now…while you are in your struggle….

And there is a reason….a reason for it all….

I know, easy for me to say now,…but again…look at my timeline/life….yep…tons of disappointment after disappointment……..

If you would have told me I wouldn’t even be able to carry my child….I might have said..forget it….

But that’s not how it played out. I had embryos…frozen 2 years before….I needed to give them a chance…

And boy am I ever thankful to have not just closed the door. I actually had to “give up” and accept failure of my own body…and trust my gut…….just not my own body….

someone else’s body with my embryo…..my little guy…

So, listen up, if there’s one thing my story can be for you…let it be this….

There is a plan all along…….

The “why me?”……that I asked myself and you may be asking yourself right now during NIAW…….

You must believe it will make sense some day…

So “Why me?” ……….well, because…….it HAD to be me……..to get what I have now..this happy, healthy baby…..the baby I was always supposed to have…

And wherever you are with infertility….”Why you?”

I think you know what I’m going to say……..but it HAS to be you….

You will be thankful it was you…you will understand why it’s you….

One day, you will finally be at peace and be able to look into those little eyes and say….

I’m so glad it was me all along……..

 

For support and information on infertility, support and guidance visit Resolve.org