Category: Thin Endometrial Lining

Answering “Why Me?” During NIAW 2017….

As National Infertility Awareness Week begins……I am humbled…..and wanted to revisit something I’ve mentioned before…

For years, I would write about what each new year would hold…2013 I wrote about HERE…2014 I wrote about HERE and 2015 I wrote HERE…..

And in 2016…..I finally got the present that I’ve wished for my entire adult life…….my child.

I still don’t believe it…..

In a weird way…I feel like now, I can’t wish for anything else…because he is here….in my arms….and I don’t want to be “greedy”. I want EVERYONE to have their life dream come true. So if you are reading this and are still in the throes of infertility….I get it. To read about someone else’s happiness(especially when you may be going through one of the hardest times in your life) is really tough. You may think….it’s never going to happen…it seems to happen for everyone else…but not me…..

And boy do I get it….

I never thought this would be the way I would have a child…

It took me a while and it took many unconventional ways to make it happen….

And now, I wouldn’t have it any other way…

I touched on it on in another post…but I want to mention it again…

What I never understood, as I battled infertility, was…….”why me?”

I said it time and time again….waiting for an answer…and for so long I got nothing but bad news after bad news….

And I continued to ask……..”Why me???”

Why was I the one to have a ruptured appendix at age 10 that left me with an overly scarred uterus, only one remaining blocked tube and one barely working ovary?

Why am I the one to have negative diagnosis after negative diagnosis and no matter what we tried, my body failed?

Why am I the one who is unable to even carry my child….being in less than 1% of the population?

Why am I the one?

And now….I ask that same question….but in an entirely different way?

Why was I the one to be blessed with THIS little boy?

He is even better than I could have ever imagined…..

Why me?

And that answer is simple….I had to go through everything I went through for this child to be created….

Numerous IVF cycles, the exact month to retrieve the exact egg and my husband’s exact sperm, my sister offering to carry him for us….

Without infertility…my little boy would not be here…..and that answers why….

If I only could’ve understood that all of those years behind me….

I was depressed…I was lonely…..I was confused…I felt forgotten….

But I was wrong….

And if you are reading this…and you are still battling….realize that something wonderful can happen for you…

It’s happening now…while you are in your struggle….

And there is a reason….a reason for it all….

I know, easy for me to say now,…but again…look at my timeline/life….yep…tons of disappointment after disappointment……..

If you would have told me I wouldn’t even be able to carry my child….I might have said..forget it….

But that’s not how it played out. I had embryos…frozen 2 years before….I needed to give them a chance…

And boy am I ever thankful to have not just closed the door. I actually had to “give up” and accept failure of my own body…and trust my gut…….just not my own body….

someone else’s body with my embryo…..my little guy…

So, listen up, if there’s one thing my story can be for you…let it be this….

There is a plan all along…….

The “why me?”……that I asked myself and you may be asking yourself right now during NIAW…….

You must believe it will make sense some day…

So “Why me?” ……….well, because…….it HAD to be me……..to get what I have now..this happy, healthy baby…..the baby I was always supposed to have…

And wherever you are with infertility….”Why you?”

I think you know what I’m going to say……..but it HAS to be you….

You will be thankful it was you…you will understand why it’s you….

One day, you will finally be at peace and be able to look into those little eyes and say….

I’m so glad it was me all along……..

 

For support and information on infertility, support and guidance visit Resolve.org

 




Scars Between My Fingers

I sit here looking at my hands. They are dry and cracked from washing bottles in hot water. And I couldn’t be happier about that….but I notice something else too…..

Little scars between my fingers…on only two fingers…but I can still see them.

As I clasp my hands together to pray before dinner….I realize why they are there….

During infertility, there were times where I would pray so hard, my rings would rub up against my other fingers….causing them to bleed a little…and it left tiny scars…
I didn’t notice at the time because, with infertility, I was in so much pain, mentally and physically, that I was numb to feeling much else…

So many things I didn’t notice during the dark days……..

I know I write a lot about the hard times on this blog. It took us almost 5 years to have a child. I was incapable of even carrying my child. Infertility has been a big part of my life and I remember scouring the internet to find someone…anyone who had all of my problems….I didn’t find anyone with ALL of my problems but I did find some that I could relate to…and I held on tight to those…..like in prayer….

Every feeling they felt, every procedure, every vitamin, every doctor…I wanted to know it all. And I prayed for them…and most of them succeeded in pregnancy….and then their blogs would go silent….never hear from them again…

I never understood why….but I’m slowly understanding….

My audience……most of my followers and readers find my blog while searching for infertility.

Infertility.

They want to have a baby.

So once an infertility blogger has a baby….the blogger is either done writing, they have conquered their goal or it turns into a parenting/baby blog….

If 5 years ago, I searched for an infertility blog and the first thing I saw was a cute baby pic…it would be a punch to the gut a little(just being completely honest)..I obviously would have wanted to know they eventually succeeded but being in such a depressed, fragile, lonely state..searching for infertility blogs…I wanted information about diagnosis, treatments, procedures, timelines, experience, doctors…I could go on and on…

So this blog won’t have any more pictures of my baby boy. He is here, he is safe, he is growing and if you do want to see more pictures of him growing up, you can follow me on my new Instagram account @changingdiapers 🙂

Mark my word, I am thrilled beyond words to have my son, but like I wrote about in this post, I didn’t “beat” infertility..so I’ll continue to fight and try to find procedures and doctors and treatments for those like me. And I’ll continue to call scientists and researchers and doctors around the world to find the most up-to-date information on everything in the reproductive endocrinology world.

You see…because I think I have finally found my purpose…..I’ll write more about this in another post…but there’s a reason I started this blog years ago..to help those wanting to have a child…simple…yet so overwhelmingly complex….

And like these scars on my fingers…the memories and struggles of infertility are scars in my mind…I can’t ever fully forget about them…..

So I’m not about to forget about you….still battling, still fighting, still crying every night…

Still collecting scars…..

I’m still here for you….and I’m not going anywhere.