Category: Surrogacy

“She’s Not My Mommy”

I’m going to share something that I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned before on this blog. I’ll explain it in a bit..but here’s the backstory:

I was 7 when my parents divorced and unfortunately, for me, I remember everything. So many times I wished that I never knew my parents together…I wish they divorced when I was like 2…but they didn’t and I remember.

I didn’t quite understand it all. But I knew one thing.

They hated each other.

My Mom and Dad would say the meanest things about one another…to me. I felt so lost during that time. I remember vividly getting so upset one time that I said something extremely profound for a 7 year old…I said…”Dad, when you say mean things about Mom…I am 1/2 of her too…so you’re saying mean things about me…I am 1/2 of BOTH of you….and it makes me sad.”

You would think that would have ended it…that they would have been “grown-ups”….but it didn’t. It continued on…and honestly still does.

So this brings me to my step-mom.

She wasn’t very loving. She didn’t have any children of her own(my Dad had a vasectomy after us). She smoked cigarettes starting at 7am. She drank an entire bottle of wine a day…morning and night.

And that’s what a step-mom was to me.

But here goes……I’m actually a step-mom.

Even when I type that word I cringe a bit…

I never wanted to be a step-mom. But the man that I fell in love with has a child. A little girl.

When I met her, she was only 1. She was a baby. I thought, well, this should be easier because she’s so young. She will always know me in her life. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink heavily. I won’t be like my step-mom and I’ll definitely have a brother or sister for her very soon. They can grow up together and everything will work out.

Well, 5+ years later….she’s 6 now. And still not a brother or sister for her.

And after recently spending some time with her, I realized…I may be her “step-mom” and “mom” might be part of my title but she makes it very clear. When kids at the playground refer to me as her “Mom”, she’s quick to correct them…”She’s not my Mommy”. The kids look confused but she continues playing. Another little girl refers me as her “Mom” and she gets frustrated, shaking her head, saying a little louder, “She’s NOT my Mommy!”

My heart breaks.

I know I am not her Mommy. And I know I will never be.

Which makes not being able to have my own child that much more heartbreaking.

This child, came into this world unplanned. My husband and her mother were not even together for 1 year.

And here I am…sitting here after 5 years…longing and begging for a child that will call ME….”Mommy”.

I want their face to light up with joy when they say those words.

But instead, I get a scowl. I get disappointment. I get, “She’s not my Mommy.”

Infertility is one of the most heartbreaking things that a couple can go through. But going through infertility while watching the product of your husband and his ex…this child they created…grow up….honestly, just devastates me at times.

How this child can come out of a “fling” before we met just kills me.

Why am I in this situation? I know I didn’t have to choose to be with him…I chose him knowing that he had a child. But I thought WE would have a child too.

This is where I am struggling.

We recently sat down and had the “living child free” talk together.

He was extremely open to it. He’s seen how much pain and hurt I have been through these past years. And honestly, the financial burden is a whole other ballgame. It all sucks.

He said, “I am happy with us.” “I love our life.” “I can be happy if it’s just you and me forever.”

And then he said….”Don’t you feel the same way?”

I paused…and said, “No.” “I don’t think I could be happy with just you and me…..because it’s not just you and me.” “You have a daughter.” “You have that part of your life too….someone that calls you Daddy…and that’s what I want too…someone to call me Mommy.”

Honestly, if it was just he and I….I might be able to do it. I might be able to live child-free if it was truly just US……but it’s not…it’s me, him and his daughter…and that’s where it all changes.

So that’s where I am at with living child-free. Some people have recently asked me if that was a possibility and this is the best way that I can describe it. I 100% support those that live child-free, again, if I wasn’t in this situation…it might be an easier decision for me…it might be the decision for me.

So I continue searching for my answers. Doors continue to close. I feel sadness, I feel frustration, I feel desperate…i’ll admit it….I AM DESPERATE.

But I know none of that helps.

So I press on. I’m looking at more surgeries, I’m looking into surrogacy, adoption, I’m still looking into experimental procedures and I will update you all as they progress.

But one thing I know for sure…..I am not giving up on my child that is out there.

Because for me….giving up is a lot harder than trying.

So that’s what I’ll do…keep trying…

To one day be called, “Mommy.”

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“You Are So Lucky”

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Yep…that’s what someone said to me recently when I opened up about about my struggle to get pregnant.

What? Lucky??

Exactly what I thought. WHAT??

I explained how we went through all of these treatments for over 3 years and I might have to have someone else carry our child.
Her response,” Well, at least you don’t have to ruin your body with a pregnancy. “You are so lucky.”

I could not believe those words came out of her mouth….seriously???

Did she not hear me when I said we’ve been through 9 cycles…3 IVF and 6 FET cycles?? Pretty much hell. And I’ve got nothing to show for it? And now, I have to take another chance and pray that this…ANOTHER huge sacrifice…not being able to carry my child…will lead me to my children?

Unbelievable.

And this….this, my friends, is why sometimes….I just want to keep it all to myself.

One day…I just want to show up with a baby…to just feel “normal” again. I feel like such an outsider 99% of the time. And now, having to have someone else possibly carry my child..one more thing to add to my “luck”

I know life isn’t fair. But wow…I’m just over all of this. I literally don’t want to start the next steps.

I thought not getting pregnant the old fashioned way was tough.

I thought having to make an appt. with an RE was tough.

I thought having 2 HSG’s, 3 Sono HSG’s, 5 abdominal surgeries, 2 hysteroscopies, 3 IVF’s, 6 FET’s, 2 experimental treatments, only one ovary, hydrosalpinx, ruptured appendix, covered in scar tissue, DOR, Crohns, Endometriosis, chronically thin lining, Asherman’s Syndrome, thousands of blood draws and hundreds of fertility injections was tough.

But being told that you can’t carry a child….I think that takes the cake.

I mean……and someone had the audacity to say I’m “lucky”

Wow.

Gets to my heart. How people truly have no idea how much their words hurt and how it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

But this is my life. I didn’t choose it but I have no choice but to keep going. My eye is on the prize.

The steps towards having someone else carry your child…a gestational carrier/surrogate or adoption is OVERWHELMING…to say the least. When people say, “You can always JUST adopt”, I want to rip their head off…I mean…do they not know the hoops you have to jump through? That adoption still costs a TON of money, isn’t “easy” and has emotional implications as well? Just ask My Perfect Breakdown. Following her journey gives me insight into the adoption process…and truly appreciate her sharing the good and the bad.

Either way, surrogacy or adoption, the expense is just too much. The process is just too much. The RE’s really don’t know how to handle it…since not many women have to go the route of surrogacy and it leaves me…once again, feeling alone…and wanting to hide.

I thought having to explain my infertility to others was tough but now, the thought of me having to explain how someone else will carry my child makes me want to run away and start a new life…where I don’t have to do this.

I don’t want to do this. It seriously makes me sick.

Why do I have to be the one that has to explain my infertility and surrogacy to the world?

That’s how it feels.

Why was I one of the chosen ones to do this?

I know I am strong but honestly…I’m not that strong…I just put on a good front…and that’s the truth.

But here I am…writing my story to the world.

My story.

I never dreamed this would be my struggle.

I thought something before this would work…whether it would be charting, timing, taking Clomid, Femara, IUI, IVF, IVF, IVF, ICSI..etc…

But surrogacy or adoption? I never could have dreamed…

And then….literally (as I was typing this) I didn’t know what to write next. I stopped and look at my phone and saw I had an email from someone named Alyssa.

I read her email…and then it all made sense. She wrote such a kind email. She thanked me for my blog and then said:

“Thank you for being the voice for us, the broken mangled couples that struggle to breathe. You are an inspiration and are adored by people you will never meet, you are our voice, comfort and fellow fighter. You help me take the next breath that will bring me strength.”

And that’s why I am here.

That is exactly why I am here.

To be YOUR voice.

If you’ve felt alone, angry, hurt, mangled, lost or want to hide.

I WILL BE YOUR VOICE.

I’ve struggled to accept my infertility.

I never thought I was “lucky.”

But after getting emails like this, from men and women around the world…

I know why I’m here. To share my story.

So I guess I am “lucky” in a way.

Lucky that I have a voice and will fight for us all.

And I am blessed and “lucky” to have found you all…the men and women that support me.

So thank you for that my “Good Luck” charms 😉 You are appreciated more than you know.