Category: Surrogacy

Hysteroscopy #4-Cancelled

yourstory_ngo_license_cancelled

 

So the title says it all…once again……cancelled.

Apparently, I ovulated on CD10….what? Who does that? Me. Oh, and I have a cyst…so all around…no go.

If it hadn’t happened to me SO many times before, I might be a little shocked…but I’m not.

It seems like anything I try to do…either fails, gets cancelled or falls apart all together. I am so confused and lost at this moment…

4 years friends….I know others who have been trying for a lot longer…and I know it is pure torture…every month…every year…every holiday. I seriously thought this year…this Christmas, we would have a child or be pregnant…but I wait and wait and wait.

I’ve had frozen embryos since Nov.2013 and Jan.2014….my babies have been frozen for almost 2 years. I know some of you get sad when you can’t have a fresh transfer…and have to wait a month. I wish I only had to wait a month…or 2 months..or 1 year…but 2 years. If my first IVF cycle would have worked, I would have a one year old….I would have a one year old in my arms.

But they are still frozen…with nowhere to go.

Every time I go to my fertility clinic, I think of them. Every time I drive by my clinic, I think of them and can only say a prayer that I’ll be back for them.

But I need a healthy uterus. I refuse to put them in a hostile environment. I tried once and I still feel bad about being selfish at that moment, knowing that little embryo, realistically, didn’t have a chance.

Now, I didn’t do PGS testing on my embryos, but I just love them. No matter what. And I know many women who are still trying to create embryos and I am blessed that I have some…I just pray that they will find a place to grow for 9 months…a healthy place.

So, that’s where I’m at now…I’m waiting for this cyst to shrink and hopefully we can do that follow up hysteroscopy soon. I’m also talking with my sister again about her being my gestational carrier. I never believed that I would have to be considering surrogacy. Ever. But my focus are my embryos…my babies….and I want to give them a chance..I want them to grow and become my babies and I’ve slowly come to accept that if it can’t be in my womb…I will find a womb.

Thank you all for your continued support…I’ll keep you updated…xoxo

Operative Hysteroscopy #3-Return of The Scar Tissue

PicCollage (1)

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a little while..so here we go:

After I got the disheartening news regarding my sister and going down the road of surrogacy, I thought to myself…well, I guess it’s back on me.

I thought long and hard that maybe this was all supposed to happen like this…

To force myself to be left with only my womb.

For some reason, I saw it as a sign….so I went back to my sonohystogram pics that I had last IVF from March 2015…and there seemed to be some sort of growth…and it didn’t look right to me.

So I called Dr. March again. Btw…Dr. March is one of the most admired gynecological surgeons in the world. I mean, I’ve been to MANY RE’s and spoken to numerous Dr.’s around the world and whenever I mention his name, respect and admiration flow in abundance. He also happens to be one of the nicest surgeons I have ever met. Probably the best bedside manner ever. Anyways, I digress, He performed my 2nd hysteroscopy and is an Asherman’s Specialist. I showed him my pics and he was confident that scar tissue had grown back…….not good at all.

So I scheduled my 3rd operative hysteroscopy.

It’s never fun but I guess you can say I’m getting used to going to the hospital and being put under, not something I look forward to but I’m getting pretty good at it. I kissed my hubby goodbye and off I went into surgery.

2 hours later….I woke up to Dr. March telling me all of the additional scar tissue he found. He said that my uterus looked like it was “hourglass” shaped due to the dense adhesions in the mid fundus area on both sides 🙁 There was also a small amount of fluid and a small hematoma in the top of the uterus midline filled with old blood.

Well…isn’t that all…just great(insert extreme sarcasm)

Why does this keep happening? It doesn’t make any sense. Even to my RE’s.

He also inserted a Cook balloon stent and I had that in for about 2 weeks. I had a Cook stent in last time too…and that is supposed to keep scar tissue from reforming…but for some reason my scar tissue continues to reform and I had a small hematoma(???)

All of this is just not good friends. I ran this by my other RE and he said that scar tissue shouldn’t continue to reform if there is adequate endometrium to carry a pregnancy. He also mentioned that even if I were to get pregnant that I am at a significantly higher risk for placental problems and pre-term delivery….

So what in the h*ll am I still doing?!?

Why do I continue to put myself through pure torture? Emotionally, physically and financially???

I had my follow-up with Dr. March. I couldn’t really read him this time. He’s usually pretty positive, but this time, he simply recommended I have ANOTHER hysteroscopy. omg. Seriously, I don’t know if my cervix or uterus can take this anymore. It wouldn’t be an operative hysteroscopy but and in-office hysteroscopy during mid-cycle. He wants to view what is actually happening inside of my uterus during a natural cycle and why my lining continues to stay thin.

So, that’s what we will do.

Hysteroscopy #4…and that’s next week.

I almost feel like my body isn’t mine anymore. Honestly.

SO many surgeries. So much medicine. So many shots, hormones, anesthesia. So many times I’ve had to block the pain.

SO much heartache.

How can one person handle all of this?

Sometimes I feel like I am running in a circle, I keep doing the same things over and over again…but then, when I try to get out of the circle(like surrendering to surrogacy), I get thrown back in and denied.

What else can I do?

As I type this, no kidding, I hear a baby crying outside of my window.

To some, it’s a nuisance……but to me, it’s the most magical sound in the world. 

And that’s why I am doing this. To hear that sound. To love that sound.

To cherish that sound and all it encompasses.

For if everyone would have to go through my (our) challenges of becoming a mother, children would be cherished beyond words.

They would be loved beyond measure.

They would be seen as the miracles that they truly are.

So if you have one of those miracles, think of me.

You are living my dream.

Because remember…..

Sometimes, what we take for granted is the miracle someone else is praying for.

I’ll keep praying for my miracle…I believe one day it will come true, I must believe.