Category: Surrogacy

“Are You Going To Have Another?”

Yes, I’m going there…..

You see….I cannot stress enough how it BLOWS MY MIND(cue blood pressure rise) the way some people react when I introduce my son.

It usually goes something like this…

Me: “Hi (family member, friend, co-worker, associate, etc..) this is my new baby W.”

Friend: “Awww, he’s so cute! So, are you guys going to have another?”

Me(inside DYING, ANGRY, FLUSTERED, SAD, SHOCKED)…”Um…well, it took us 5 yrs to have him, he’s only 9 months old and we will need someone to carry another baby if we have one so….I don’t know……..it’s not that easy for us.”

And that usually catches them off guard and then they don’t know what to say next…….

Honestly…what in the heck?!?!?

And this hasn’t been a “one-time” thing…..

No, no, no…this happens almost weekly…

Which brings me to the question….WHY ISN’T ONE ENOUGH??!!

Where in our society does it state that you should have at least 2 children for you to be a complete family(or ANY children at all for that matter?)

This only hurts our infertility community more…putting pressure on us…

Now, I know I am in a unique situation. Not only did I have to go through multiple surgeries, rounds of IVF, failed FET’s, etc… but I also could not carry my son….so you would think other people, who know our story, would be extra sensitive….

Ummm…….nope.

It’s almost like they forgot what we went through…..and unfortunately, I can’t do that..I live with it every…single…day.

After battling infertility, having to use a gestational carrier to bring our child into this world and him being mere months old, you would think we would be able to simply celebrate him with family and friends without any hesitation or remarks reminding me of my barrenness.

Wow..

And to some…maybe I am overreacting….maybe others would not feel this way….

But, I know I don’t have to remind you all (the ones who actually read my blog get it) I can’t just decide that I want go through another IVF cycle and transfer an embryo to my womb…and then boom…here comes baby #2….

Not that easy(and..hello…that’s not easy at all anyways!!!!!)

So, we have one child. And we are THRILLED beyond measure with him.

Can’t I be happy for once? And not be reminded of what I “don’t” have?

It reminds me of this story of when I was still battling and in the throes of infertility, one of my good friends was trying to have a 3rd baby (she has two precious, healthy boys…but she wanted a third…and of course she wanted a girl). One day, she said, “I am just so depressed. I want to be pregnant again. I can’t handle my life right now.” (me inside..DYING..OMG..I don’t have ANY kids…me… who had been trying to have ONE baby for over 4 years!!) But I pulled myself together and with grace said, “Stop, you have two beautiful, healthy boys…all is good.” And she said, “Well, I want to have about 4 kids so all is not good, you just don’t get it.”

And wow…….no, I didn’t get it….because I remember thinking how I would have died to have just one of her sons. I remember thinking how I would love to have 4 kids too…but I don’t know if that would ever happen for me…so one…sure, one would be great….and she already had two….and she was still depressed because she wanted three or four.

Perspective.

I’ve written about it before…but again…It reminds me of this quote I won’t ever forget…..

I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now….

And it’s as simple as that….

Do you remember things you used to pray about that you have now?

Write them down today…or look them in their eyes….and remember how very far you have come my friend…

And if you are still praying for some of those things…keep going…listen to your gut…make decisions…believe…

I’ll be here for you and cannot wait until those prayers are finally answered too…

Oh…and just for future reference….the only time I want you asking me if I’ll have another….is of another glass of champagne…and to that, my answer is YES…a huge, nodding my head, glass out, ready for pour #2…YES!

Cheers loves and have a beautiful Monday….




A “Not-So” Friendly Reminder…..

For the past couple of months, I’ve been blissfully taking care of my miracle son. All the struggle. All the money. All the pain. Finally, I can see in his eyes why I kept going. I can also honestly say that I am a different person now that he is here. I am happier. I enjoy every little thing. I appreciate my time. I am filled with joy.
It’s refreshing after so many years of bitterness and defeat.
But days like today remind me…it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
I got a bill in the mail today.
And not just any bill. It’s my son’s hospital bill.
I found it odd that I hadn’t received anything in months but just figured it was taking some time for it to process through insurance. Immediately after he was born, instead of being put on our surrogate’s insurance, he was put under ours at the hospital. And to have that happen, and not have to adopt our own biological child, we had to go through lawyers, sign contracts and pay a hefty sum of money for 2 lawyers (well over $7,000+)….yes, ridiculous.
But obviously, that wasn’t enough.
The insurance covered NOTHING from his 2 days stay at the hospital.
And I am just so sad.
There’s always a reminder that I did not give birth to my son. I could not give birth to my son. I’ll never have given birth to my son.
Such a failure.
And now, thousands and thousand of dollars more. That we really don’t have.
Tears fall as I write this because I don’t understand. Surrogacy is just so much money(even if you’re able to have a family member be your surrogate…but that’s for another post.)
So now, I’m going to have to call the insurance again. Plead my case. Explain my very personal struggle to a stranger…..again.
How unbelievably invasive…and mentally and physically exhausting.
I’ve felt like I’ve been on trial during most of my experience with surrogacy.
I don’t like saying that, since it gave me one of the greatest gifts possible, but the laws and ignorance that still goes along with the word “surrogacy” makes me so angry.

They say: “Surrogacy exclusions”. “Surrogacy is not covered”. “Surrogacy laws”. “Surrogacy bans”. “Surrogacy should not be allowed”. “Surrogacy is not God’s plan.”

How about look at me. As a real person.

Look at my scars.

Tell me I didn’t try with all my might to give birth to my child. Tell me that.

Read MY story. Read my timeline. Look at our drained bank account. See my hair fall out of my head and leave me bald. Watch me inject myself with painful medications month after month…year after year after year…just hoping to make it to an embryo transfer. All failed. No other option with my broken body.

And then look at this perfect little baby. Tell me God did not want him here.

And you are not going to cover him finally entering this world?

I knew I had to fight to bring him into this world…but I thought I could let down my guard a little….but no.

So now, I have to fight for one more thing that most women don’t think twice about….

Always a reminder…of how I was unable to do one of the most natural things in this world…give birth.

I don’t mean for this to be so negative but I thought it was over…at least constantly being judged/criticized for having to use a surrogate…and the money…the loads and loads of money….

But no.

And I guess it doesn’t ever really end…

I just need to get used to it….or, as some of you have written me, “get over it”.

But one major lesson that I’ve learned….you never really understand unless you have truly walked in someone else’s shoes…and not just tried them on…like literally walked in them day after day, month after month, year after year.

So I will wipe my tears….I will be strong once again…..I will stand my ground…and I will get through this…

Breathe in…breathe out….he’s worth it all…and I’ll never stop fighting for him…ever.