Category: Religion

This Nightmare Called Infertility

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If this is my nightmare…

I will gladly take it.

Yes…you heard me right…..I will gladly take it. I’ll take it all.

If at the end of this misery, I am able to have healthy children, free of cancer, free of hurt, free of tragedy…I will bear this burden.

It breaks my heart to see children and families broken due to the tragedies I listed above…lives taken too early. Families left with their hearts broken for a lifetime. I don’t know if I could deal with it. Could I continue on? I just don’t know.

But this is what I do know. No matter how much heartbreak, disappointment, tragedy, pain, burden, ect, I am going through right now…I know I can handle it. ALL.

It may not be what I want, when I want it or how I want it to happen but I can only hope and pray that this….THESE moments that I am going through and have gone through over the years…this will be my only tragedy in regards to my children: The struggle and tragedy bringing them into this world.

I often believe that God keeps bringing me to this belief..this faith. The faith that ALL of this….it’s all part of the plan. That this is the “really tough” part I’m going through…right now. Not later. ┬áHe continues to remind me that this is the way that I am going to be able to have children. Through this process…..but once it happens…it will be more than I had ever dreamed of. More than I could have ever asked for…

And instead of thinking of all of these failed cycles, delayed cycles, thin lining, surgeries, lost embryos, defeat, sadness and more defeat…

I think…I’ll take it now. I’ll go through it all now so that once I have my children..I’ve already battled the storm of the century.

Now, I know, children are a lot of work…I’m not talking about that but I am talking about what I am feeling now. If you’ve been battling infertility for a while…I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. It’s hard to explain really. It encompasses so much. But I’ll try…..

For me it’s like struggling to breathe for air under water while others are swimming around you with life preservers.

Where’s my life preserver?

Everyone should have a life preserver….why didn’t I get one? I need it…I really do. How much longer can I tread water? I’m strong but gosh…I need a break.

I’ve always had nightmares about tidal waves. I’ve had them all my life and I never understood why.

I think I know why now.

This nightmare called infertility is my tidal wave.

It was unexpected. It’s terrifying. It’s bigger than I ever imagined it. It could destroy me.

But at the end of my nightmare, every time I’ve had it, I’ve survived. I see all of the destruction around me and what I went through but somehow…I survived the tidal wave.

Against all odds. I survived.

And that’s how I feel about infertility.

Against all odds. I’ll survive.

Watch me.

Because if I can survive this nightmare called infertility…you can too.

Step-by-step, day-by-day, side-by-side.

We WILL survive this nightmare….together.

 

 

 

Failed IVF. It Still Hurts.

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Yep, it still hurts.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially…just hurts.

Not to mention that those progesterone shots…they left big bruises and STILL really hurt. Just another reminder of something that is not.

I’ll admit it friends. I have fallen into a deep, dark hole of helplessness.

After 9 cycles (3 IVF, 6 FET)…I just don’t know what else to do. I wish that I could just try the good old fashioned way…oh gosh, how I wish. I mean even if there was a <1% chance I would give it all I’ve got. But unfortunately, I have no tubes…and therefore there is no way for sperm to meet my egg….and only one ovary to boot so I am left with IVF. IVF is the only way that I am able to have a child.

And IVF has failed me.

My body has failed me. My uterus is useless. My eggs are now extremely diminished.

That’s what my RE said after I asked about what happened this cycle. My eggs were of poor quality, cloudy and that’s why I didn’t have anything to transfer or freeze.

Wow.

So now what? I don’t know but I’ve gotta get out of this dark hole.

And so I must switch it up and talk about my wonderful husband…let’s call him Bubs.

Bubs is just unbelievable. He is my light and my air. He is my reason…just my reason for it all.

When this happened last week, I was obviously upset and overwhelmed. He though, on the other hand, was calm, comforting and…oddly positive? I didn’t understand how he was o.k. with everything that happened. We had just spent thousands upon thousands more dollars for nothing…I mean NOTHING. What did we get out of this cycle? More hurt, pain, confusion, defeat??

But he saw it as one step closer.

Closer to what? I don’t know. But he just kept saying, “We will get there, I see the light.”

So that stuck with me…”We will get there, I see the light.”

And then, the night of my BFN results…I was listening to Pandora….and Sara Bareilles came on…this song, The Light:

This song was for me…at this moment….it was unreal…

“And if you say we’ll be alright
I’m gonna trust you, babe
I’m gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we’ll be alright
I’ll follow you into the light”

He’s right.

And this song is just so true.

We’ll be alright. And I’m gonna trust in faith. That we will be alright.

I’ll see the light one day…and thanks to my Bubs…I know I will see it…with him by my side….

We will see the light. Or be the light.

And some day we will be alright.