Category: Power of Prayer

Giving Up On Getting Pregnant

Happiness-can-only-exist1

2016 is here.

If you read my last post, 2016 is my year of “Acceptance”. I know, it doesn’t sound too exciting but I have to say, a little relief has already come from that decision. I’m accepting what 2016 has in store for me good, bad or ugly….and I know I can handle it.

So what comes from that decision is also something that I wasn’t sure I could ever really “give up”. But I’m ready to say.

This year, I’m giving up on getting pregnant.

You see, I’ve never, ever been pregnant. Like ever. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of, just as many of you dream of or fortunately have achieved.

But it hasn’t happened for me….ever. And I’ve tried EVERYTHING. Well, everything legal in the USA. I would continue to try naturally, if I could as well, but I don’t have tubes so, I’ve done everything possible with the help of many RE’s….and it just hasn’t happened.

I don’t want to act like this isn’t a big deal. Because it is. It is huge. Most of you, even though some of you are still not pregnant will eventually become pregnant. I’m, unfortunately, a part of the extremely small group of women(less than 0.6%…yep, not even 1%) that have such chronically thin lining that it acts like it’s on birth control when it’s not…and a baby cannot survive in a lining that is 3mm thick.

It really comes down to this for me: Do I want to be pregnant? Or do I want to have my child brought into this world healthy and safe?

Obviously, it doesn’t even come close. I just want my embryos to have a chance at life. I feel it in my gut that one of my frozen embryos from January 2014, will be my baby or babies….and I cannot risk them on me. They are too precious to waste on my miserable uterus to continue to try on me. If you remember, I tried to get a couple of more blasts by doing a 3rd IVF cycle, but we were left with ZERO embryos, more debt and more heartache than I thought I could endure.

So I’m giving up on trying to get pregnant.

BUT

I am NOT giving up on my baby blasts.

And fortunately, we just received news that my beautiful sister’s surgery was successful and she’s been cleared to be our gestational carrier 🙂

Now, this is one small step. If you’ve ever looked into using a gestational carrier, it is beyond the most overwhelming thing possible…like ever. But, I have my sister….and that should make it so much easier….right?!

WRONG.

I swear, they almost make it harder because it’s someone you know and are related to. There are no breaks, at least in California, that they give you for using a relative.

For example, you would think, that since it’s my very own blood sister(who, God willing would be the child’s Aunt), that we wouldn’t really need a formal contract drawn up by a lawyer…at least that’s what I thought…..ummm..but nope. And that alone costs well over $6000+……and it’s my sister….and it makes me sick that after EVERYTHING we have already spent, that we have to now go and spend money on things like that….and that’s just one piece of this giant puzzle when you decide to use a gestational carrier.

But, if this ends up working. Or should I be really positive and say WHEN this ends up working.

I won’t care.

I won’t care about it all and I will thank God for the miracle that is born into this world.

I will be forever grateful to my amazing sister and I will pray that it will finally all make sense.

So, in short, I’m moving on. I’m done with my body, I’m over myself. Chapter closed for now.

But there’s also finally some good news folks. My sister’s uterus has healed….and we are now in business.

FINALLY some good news…let’s keep it going 2016…

We sure are off to a good start…..

 

And What If 2016 Isn’t Any Different Than 2015?

2016-Arcus

That’s what has been on my mind lately.

What if next year isn’t any different than this year?

Last year, in 2014, I just knew that 2015 was going to be our year. I had a Project Dream 2015 plan.

But what if I’m sitting here in this same place next year….just like I have been for the past 4 years?

I asked myself that exact question……..And you know what?

I’d actually be o.k. with it.

What???? Yep, I said it….

Obviously, I’ve been able to get through every, other year. So why wouldn’t I be able to get through next year?

I’m so over giving myself expectations. I’m over my sadness when my expectations fall through. And lastly, I really dislike the way that I’ve been living my life….

Or should I say, NOT living my life.

I feel like I’ve been in a “holding pattern” for the past 4 years. Always thinking, next year will be different. Next year, I’ll be pregnant or next year, I’ll have a baby.

That one expectation of having a child, decides if I’m happy or not and I’ve decided….that’s not o.k.

I know it’s not healthy and I feel it.

I can honestly say….I don’t know what it feels like to be truly happy anymore.

I can fake happy. I can fake a smile. I can fake having fun.

But always in the back of my head, I’m missing the one thing that I feel will actually make me happy.

Having a child.

But will it?

Will having a child just magically change me from depression to happiness?

I guess I should ask those that have been through this nightmare of infertility:

Does your life change so much having a child after infertility that it digs you out of this deep depression??? Are you truly “happy” again finally becoming a Mom??

I want to be hopeful again. I want to have that feeling that I’m moving in the right direction.

I want to feel true happiness again.

But for now. I will accept this life I’ve been dealt.

I’ll accept the countless disappointments. I’ll accept all of the failed IVF and FET cycles. I’ll accept living child-free for now. I’ll accept this nightmare called infertility.

And maybe by accepting all of this…..I won’t let myself down again.

I know what can happen.

And I’m o.k. and at peace with it all.

So as we go into this new year, 2016, I’m not feeling like it will be the “best year yet.” I’m not feeling like my life will change. I’m not feeling like I’ll finally be pregnant. I’m not feeling like, my child will be in my arms this time next year.

I’m just feeling at peace with accepting…..just this.

This time. This day. This year. This feeling.

It’s my life and I’ll accept and appreciate what I have….

And maybe one day…it will be different….or maybe it won’t….

But it’s still MY life…..the one I’ve been given and I’ll appreciate simply that…

So please be kind 2016…..I know I’m tough, you know I’m tough…but I could really use a break (along with some of my other sweet sisters)

Lots of love to all of my fellow followers….Cheers to 2016….blessings and peace to you ALL…..

xoxoxoxoxo