If this is my nightmare…
I will gladly take it.
Yes…you heard me right…..I will gladly take it. I’ll take it all.
If at the end of this misery, I am able to have healthy children, free of cancer, free of hurt, free of tragedy…I will bear this burden.
It breaks my heart to see children and families broken due to the tragedies I listed above…lives taken too early. Families left with their hearts broken for a lifetime. I don’t know if I could deal with it. Could I continue on? I just don’t know.
But this is what I do know. No matter how much heartbreak, disappointment, tragedy, pain, burden, ect, I am going through right now…I know I can handle it. ALL.
It may not be what I want, when I want it or how I want it to happen but I can only hope and pray that this….THESE moments that I am going through and have gone through over the years…this will be my only tragedy in regards to my children: The struggle and tragedy bringing them into this world.
I often believe that God keeps bringing me to this belief..this faith. The faith that ALL of this….it’s all part of the plan. That this is the “really tough” part I’m going through…right now. Not later. He continues to remind me that this is the way that I am going to be able to have children. Through this process…..but once it happens…it will be more than I had ever dreamed of. More than I could have ever asked for…
And instead of thinking of all of these failed cycles, delayed cycles, thin lining, surgeries, lost embryos, defeat, sadness and more defeat…
I think…I’ll take it now. I’ll go through it all now so that once I have my children..I’ve already battled the storm of the century.
Now, I know, children are a lot of work…I’m not talking about that but I am talking about what I am feeling now. If you’ve been battling infertility for a while…I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. It’s hard to explain really. It encompasses so much. But I’ll try…..
For me it’s like struggling to breathe for air under water while others are swimming around you with life preservers.
Where’s my life preserver?
Everyone should have a life preserver….why didn’t I get one? I need it…I really do. How much longer can I tread water? I’m strong but gosh…I need a break.
I’ve always had nightmares about tidal waves. I’ve had them all my life and I never understood why.
I think I know why now.
This nightmare called infertility is my tidal wave.
It was unexpected. It’s terrifying. It’s bigger than I ever imagined it. It could destroy me.
But at the end of my nightmare, every time I’ve had it, I’ve survived. I see all of the destruction around me and what I went through but somehow…I survived the tidal wave.
Against all odds. I survived.
And that’s how I feel about infertility.
Against all odds. I’ll survive.
Because if I can survive this nightmare called infertility…you can too.
Step-by-step, day-by-day, side-by-side.
We WILL survive this nightmare….together.