Category: Power of Prayer

Everything Changes: Encouragement on the Eve of Thanks

Last year at this time….I was lost….I mean, bottom of the barrel…lonely, depressed, lost…
I had been trying to have a baby for over 4 years….
And nothing worked……nothing
So many IVF cycles, failed FET cycles and then…my uterus would just not cooperate…..I was at a low in my life…I didn’t know what I should do next….
I would go for long walks alone often…and many times I would pass smiling mothers pushing their baby carriages/prams….
And it hurt…
I know others happiness should not hurt me…but if I’m honest…it did….because I felt like such an outsider….like it may never happen for me…..
After all of this…would my life ever change? They seem so happy…carefree….will I ever get to experience being a mother? God…will I??
And at the exact moment as I thought those thoughts…a new song came in my headphones…I had never heard it before…from one of my favorite artists……and I will never forget it….
Everything Changes by Sara Barailles…

Here are the lyrics:
Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on him sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you
So many tears fell from my eyes….uncontrollable tears…I felt the song was made for me. It was telling me….everything WILL change…
And it kept me going….it helped me believe when I wasn’t sure I could believe any longer….
One little song…
I’m sure Sara Barailles will never read this…but her words were so powerful to me…
And I want them for you….
My friend reading this….everything will change for you……some day…
You might be at the lowest low you have ever felt…..and I get it…
But remember…everything can change in an instant…in one day
Never stop fighting for YOU…..you are allowed to “give up” on infertility…I did and wrote about it here….
And look at where I am now by “giving up”…..I was able to give my son a chance at life by giving up on my body and have someone else carry him….if I would have kept trying on myself…he probably would not be here today….
When my son was born…I was reborn too….just like the song says……
I feel different…..I truly feel reborn…
And during this holiday season….I simply want to be here for you reading this still battling for your child….as a survivor that made it through…to the other side…
Because I remember….and I will never forget….the pain, the jealousy, the torture, the wait, the patience, the sadness…it all……
And when “everything changes” for you….I hope you can look back and use all of those feelings as strength to show someone else a little love and light to help get them through hard times…
I dedicate this song to my son W….You are more than I could have ever imagined little boy…..
“What did I do to deserve you?….I Thank God for You”
Blessing to you all this Thanksgiving…..

 




FET Transfer (Gestational Carrier/ Surrogate)

praying-hands

I meant to update you all yesterday but I’m still just processing it all.

When we finally decided to go the gestational carrier route (o.k…let’s be real…I didn’t “decide”, it was my only option at this point), I was focused on that….and that alone.

The whole process is exhausting and took almost a year to get in place.

Add in the years I waited to transfer my embryos and the 4 years trying to have a baby and I was just ready. Ready to put my chosen embryo into my sisters healthy uterus.

But this is what happened on FET day:

I didn’t sleep very well the night before. I’m sure many of you have felt that way before a transfer, but when your future depends on transferring your baby embryo into another person, I was even more anxious than I had ever been.

I had mixed emotions.

Was excited? Yes. Was I scared? Yes. Was I worried? Yes.

Was I sad? Yes.

Sad?

Yes, I was sad.

This made it final. I won’t be carrying my child.

And also, terrified…….What if this doesn’t work either?

Unfortunately, all of those things filled my brain the night before. I slept some but I couldn’t help but pray for so many things.

I prayed for my embryo to thaw perfectly and survive.

I prayed for an easy transfer.

I prayed for a positive pregnancy test.

I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and child.

And most importantly, prayed for my sister and her health and well being.

That is it folks.

Everything that I’ve hoped and wished for was happening that day.

So at 9am we made our way to our clinic. Once we arrived, they were running late. Now, if you’ve ever gone through a transfer, you know that you have to drink 1.5 liters of water 1 hr before your transfer. So my sister’s bladder was FULL. If everything would have been on time, transfer was scheduled for 11am. 11am passed, then 11:30, then 11:45 and finally my RE came in the room. And I could read him like a book.

He looked at me and said, “I’m sorry but it didn’t survive.”

Our best, highest graded embryo did not survive the thaw.

Cue the punch to the gut……and tears.

This was the embryo I wrote my letter to. I had the picture of that embryo.

That was the chosen one.

And it was gone.

He then told me that they went ahead and thawed the 2nd best looking embryo but it did not look good either, it survived but it was, cloudy, lost cells, low grade.

Wow….and again, his face said it all. I could see him processing what he told me the other day….these are not the “donor-like” eggs he thought they were…..

So he came in to ask me, my husband and my sister if we wanted to thaw another embryo since it wasn’t looking good.

Tears continued to fall from my eyes. I couldn’t hold it together.

What? Why? How?

All three of these embryos were the highest Grade AA when they were first vitrified in 2014.

I saw them. They did look perfect. For over 2 years frozen, I just knew they were my babies.

How could this happen? Was it lab error? Or are my embryos just “bad” quality?

I couldn’t help but think it was lab error…and I started to get angry. Upset.

But I needed to pull it together. My sister was on the table. With an extremely full bladder at this point.

A decision needed to be made….do we only transfer the one poor embryo or do we thaw another and see if that thaws and transfer two.

I told my sister it’s her decision. She didn’t want to carry twins. That is why we only decided on transferring one at first.

But now? Now that my beautiful AA blasts haven’t thawed properly, what do we do?

My RE, who is a huge promoter of transferring only one embryo at a time, looked at me and then looked at her and said….”I would transfer two so that we have a chance at something.”

A chance at something?

What an unbelievable blow to the gut.

I could barely breathe.

He told us maybe a 15-20% chance of a pregnancy.

So my sister agreed. And that’s what we did.

It was supposed to be such a happy day.

It was supposed to finally be MY day….my day to give my embryos a chance at life.

And then this.

I’m trying to stay positive friends but it’s hard.

I can’t….it’s BEYOND hard.

Everything lies in this. We are all in.

And it’s in His hands.

I have to keep reminding myself that He has a plan. God has a plan for us.

Here’s to believing that my embryos are growing in my sisters uterus. That they are healthy, that they are happy and that we will see them in 9 months.

Nothing ever seems to go easy for me in regards to infertility…and I just need to accept that.

Thank you all for your messages the other day…I’m still trying to process this all and trying to stay hopeful.

Please Lord, if it’s in your will….let this finally, finally be my time.