Category: One Ovary

This Nightmare Called Infertility

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If this is my nightmare…

I will gladly take it.

Yes…you heard me right…..I will gladly take it. I’ll take it all.

If at the end of this misery, I am able to have healthy children, free of cancer, free of hurt, free of tragedy…I will bear this burden.

It breaks my heart to see children and families broken due to the tragedies I listed above…lives taken too early. Families left with their hearts broken for a lifetime. I don’t know if I could deal with it. Could I continue on? I just don’t know.

But this is what I do know. No matter how much heartbreak, disappointment, tragedy, pain, burden, ect, I am going through right now…I know I can handle it. ALL.

It may not be what I want, when I want it or how I want it to happen but I can only hope and pray that this….THESE moments that I am going through and have gone through over the years…this will be my only tragedy in regards to my children: The struggle and tragedy bringing them into this world.

I often believe that God keeps bringing me to this belief..this faith. The faith that ALL of this….it’s all part of the plan. That this is the “really tough” part I’m going through…right now. Not later.  He continues to remind me that this is the way that I am going to be able to have children. Through this process…..but once it happens…it will be more than I had ever dreamed of. More than I could have ever asked for…

And instead of thinking of all of these failed cycles, delayed cycles, thin lining, surgeries, lost embryos, defeat, sadness and more defeat…

I think…I’ll take it now. I’ll go through it all now so that once I have my children..I’ve already battled the storm of the century.

Now, I know, children are a lot of work…I’m not talking about that but I am talking about what I am feeling now. If you’ve been battling infertility for a while…I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. It’s hard to explain really. It encompasses so much. But I’ll try…..

For me it’s like struggling to breathe for air under water while others are swimming around you with life preservers.

Where’s my life preserver?

Everyone should have a life preserver….why didn’t I get one? I need it…I really do. How much longer can I tread water? I’m strong but gosh…I need a break.

I’ve always had nightmares about tidal waves. I’ve had them all my life and I never understood why.

I think I know why now.

This nightmare called infertility is my tidal wave.

It was unexpected. It’s terrifying. It’s bigger than I ever imagined it. It could destroy me.

But at the end of my nightmare, every time I’ve had it, I’ve survived. I see all of the destruction around me and what I went through but somehow…I survived the tidal wave.

Against all odds. I survived.

And that’s how I feel about infertility.

Against all odds. I’ll survive.

Watch me.

Because if I can survive this nightmare called infertility…you can too.

Step-by-step, day-by-day, side-by-side.

We WILL survive this nightmare….together.

 

 

 

Frustration, Fear & the Future

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I’m in such a weird space right now…not doing anything.

This is the first time in 3 years I haven’t been trying to have a baby. I haven’t had appointments. I haven’t gotten my blood drawn.I haven’t had my lining measured. I haven’t had a shot. O.k….I’ve had a shot of vodka or two…but you know what I mean. I could go on and on. But I am just here…living and not trying.

It’s really odd because I still haven’t achieved my dream…to have my baby. I haven’t given up on my dream but I feel like I am just at a crossroads with it all.

After IVF #3 totally failed—I’m exhausted.

If you’ve been following me these past couple of years…I’ve been through a good amount of crap(see timeline here). I know others have been through more..but holy moly….there’s only so much disappointment a girl can handle month after month, year after year…and I’m pretty much there.

I really want some good news for once.

I continue to research my specific problem…chronically thin endometrial lining. I’m less than <.8%. Seems unreal right? To be part of not even 1%? Yeah…and what’s even worse is that there might be procedures out there for women like me….but because we are less than <1%, there are not enough women to have clinical trials with and in turn not enough interest and money in government trials….cue my FRUSTRATION 🙁

I wrote about some experimental stem cell treatments in a past post. They are doing this in Spain, China and Greece. So, I’ve been trying to find a way to make it happen here in the good old US of A. Women with Asherman’s Syndrome and other uterine lining issues have had their own stem cells(NOT embryonic stem cells…BIG difference) washed in their uterus and lining has grown and they’ve been able to get pregnant, stay pregnant and deliver healthy babies. Basically, when you have Asherman’s Syndrome(damaged thin endometrium), it is extremely hard for you to carry a child full term. The lining is damaged(in my case due to my appendix rupturing when I was a child) and it just won’t grow. No amount of estrogen will help. No pineapple core, pomegranate juice, brazil nuts, etc, etc..will help. Most women don’t even have to worry about this problem. So I am part of a small group of women….lucky freekin’ me.

But I found someone that was willing to help.

He is the CEO of a plasma/stem cell company. I wrote to him about my story. At first, he said he couldn’t help but I pressed on..I tugged on his heart strings, he researched on his own and he spoke with his partners and he was finally willing.

Wow, finally someone was willing to help. But there was a catch, he said that my RE had to perform the transfer of the stem cells because he didn’t know any Dr. that’s ever used these cells for GYN procedure, it is basically like a simple IUI but with my own stem cells instead of sperm. This, in turn, would regrow my endometrium that was damaged. I read a couple studies where it had worked in China, Spain and Greece…and the women had even worse cases than me. I truly believe that this could help me. That I could pave a way for women in the U.S. for a treatment so that they wouldn’t have to look into gestational carrier, something that most of us cannot afford or travel to another country for a chance.

So I went to my RE. To go over our failed cycle and bring this up to him. I needed to bring all of my research(like I did with the G-CSF) and talk him into this. I felt like I could do this. The CEO of the company did his research with his partners and they agreed that it could help me. They even offered their services free of charge(so kind). So I just needed one more person on board. I pled my case and before I could even show him the paperwork he said, “No, I can’t go against my morals and standards of practice for my field of medicine. I just don’t feel comfortable with the small amount of studies that have been done and it’s not proven to help.”

And that was that.

Because there is not enough research, because there are not enough patients, because there is not enough funding…because I am a part of the <.8%…No one really cares enough to help. They say, “Use a gestational carrier and have your baby that way.”

Like it’s that easy to find someone to carry your child. Wow.

So I don’t know what we will do now. I feel so beat down and defeated. I feel like I have exhausted every procedure available to me to grow this lining. I have tried to find a way.

But ultimately….I just want my child…my children.

I want them to be healthy. I don’t want complications. I just want them here with me. In my arms. Safe.

I guess if I have to choose….I would rather have my children for the next 60 years than carry them for 9 months. That’s the way I must look at it to accept it.

So that’s where I’m at. Still lost but trying to wrap my head around the idea of someone else carrying my child and how that is even going to be possible. We can’t afford an agency. We have too much debt from all of these cycles and procedures for the past 3 years.

But I truly believe, some how, some way this will happen…

Well…..I know it will happen because I will not stop until it does.

It’s the air I breathe. It’s the reason why I get up every morning. For those babies. My babies.

“I will keep holding on…until I’m holding you in my arms” Love, Mom