Category: One Ovary

“She’s Not My Mommy”

I’m going to share something that I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned before on this blog. I’ll explain it in a bit..but here’s the backstory:

I was 7 when my parents divorced and unfortunately, for me, I remember everything. So many times I wished that I never knew my parents together…I wish they divorced when I was like 2…but they didn’t and I remember.

I didn’t quite understand it all. But I knew one thing.

They hated each other.

My Mom and Dad would say the meanest things about one another…to me. I felt so lost during that time. I remember vividly getting so upset one time that I said something extremely profound for a 7 year old…I said…”Dad, when you say mean things about Mom…I am 1/2 of her too…so you’re saying mean things about me…I am 1/2 of BOTH of you….and it makes me sad.”

You would think that would have ended it…that they would have been “grown-ups”….but it didn’t. It continued on…and honestly still does.

So this brings me to my step-mom.

She wasn’t very loving. She didn’t have any children of her own(my Dad had a vasectomy after us). She smoked cigarettes starting at 7am. She drank an entire bottle of wine a day…morning and night.

And that’s what a step-mom was to me.

But here goes……I’m actually a step-mom.

Even when I type that word I cringe a bit…

I never wanted to be a step-mom. But the man that I fell in love with has a child. A little girl.

When I met her, she was only 1. She was a baby. I thought, well, this should be easier because she’s so young. She will always know me in her life. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink heavily. I won’t be like my step-mom and I’ll definitely have a brother or sister for her very soon. They can grow up together and everything will work out.

Well, 5+ years later….she’s 6 now. And still not a brother or sister for her.

And after recently spending some time with her, I realized…I may be her “step-mom” and “mom” might be part of my title but she makes it very clear. When kids at the playground refer to me as her “Mom”, she’s quick to correct them…”She’s not my Mommy”. The kids look confused but she continues playing. Another little girl refers me as her “Mom” and she gets frustrated, shaking her head, saying a little louder, “She’s NOT my Mommy!”

My heart breaks.

I know I am not her Mommy. And I know I will never be.

Which makes not being able to have my own child that much more heartbreaking.

This child, came into this world unplanned. My husband and her mother were not even together for 1 year.

And here I am…sitting here after 5 years…longing and begging for a child that will call ME….”Mommy”.

I want their face to light up with joy when they say those words.

But instead, I get a scowl. I get disappointment. I get, “She’s not my Mommy.”

Infertility is one of the most heartbreaking things that a couple can go through. But going through infertility while watching the product of your husband and his ex…this child they created…grow up….honestly, just devastates me at times.

How this child can come out of a “fling” before we met just kills me.

Why am I in this situation? I know I didn’t have to choose to be with him…I chose him knowing that he had a child. But I thought WE would have a child too.

This is where I am struggling.

We recently sat down and had the “living child free” talk together.

He was extremely open to it. He’s seen how much pain and hurt I have been through these past years. And honestly, the financial burden is a whole other ballgame. It all sucks.

He said, “I am happy with us.” “I love our life.” “I can be happy if it’s just you and me forever.”

And then he said….”Don’t you feel the same way?”

I paused…and said, “No.” “I don’t think I could be happy with just you and me…..because it’s not just you and me.” “You have a daughter.” “You have that part of your life too….someone that calls you Daddy…and that’s what I want too…someone to call me Mommy.”

Honestly, if it was just he and I….I might be able to do it. I might be able to live child-free if it was truly just US……but it’s not…it’s me, him and his daughter…and that’s where it all changes.

So that’s where I am at with living child-free. Some people have recently asked me if that was a possibility and this is the best way that I can describe it. I 100% support those that live child-free, again, if I wasn’t in this situation…it might be an easier decision for me…it might be the decision for me.

So I continue searching for my answers. Doors continue to close. I feel sadness, I feel frustration, I feel desperate…i’ll admit it….I AM DESPERATE.

But I know none of that helps.

So I press on. I’m looking at more surgeries, I’m looking into surrogacy, adoption, I’m still looking into experimental procedures and I will update you all as they progress.

But one thing I know for sure…..I am not giving up on my child that is out there.

Because for me….giving up is a lot harder than trying.

So that’s what I’ll do…keep trying…

To one day be called, “Mommy.”

249879479294948895BLtjYEwJc

 

What Are You Wishing For?

Wish

Sometimes, you really have to step back.

And give yourself a “reality check”.

I was forced to do this, this past weekend.

I tear up even writing about it.

If you read my post, Do You Believe in Miracles, you’ll have the back story. This story is the reason why I keep going.

Dealing with infertility is horrible. It’s beyond anything I can compare it to. It hurts. Beyond that, it is all consuming and constant disappointment. I know most of you reading understand..it just sucks.

At times, I feel like…can I really keep going? After all of the surgeries, IVF’s, FET’s, experimental treatments, 2nd opinions, 3rd opinions…can I go through more cycles, more debt? Doctors telling me to just give up, it’s not going to happen. Over 3 years and tons of credit card debt…my stomach aches, my heart is broken and my body is defeated…my mind exhausted and sad.

And then, I stop and open my eyes and heart to the world around me….and I’m brought back to reality.

To the reality that I have a wonderful life. What am I complaining about?

This weekend, I attended my friends, sons 1st birthday party. The miracle baby. This miracle though didn’t come without a tragedy. For 8 years they tried for a child..and their dream came true…but their nightmare also took over. His father, her husband, passed away before she even found out she was pregnant.

I thought to myself, here I am, celebrating this baby boy, who will never meet his father. His mother a widow from the day she received her BFP. She buried her husband on a Tuesday and saw those 2 pink lines on a Friday. No one to surprise. No one to celebrate with…no one by her side. I remember her telling me that she wished for this child. She said, though, that if it was a choice between her husband and her having a child she would have chosen her husband. How sad that because of the way her wish came true she has to think this way? Her husband was taken away from her at the exact moment the child she’s always dreamed of was created….unbelievable.

Can you even imagine that?

And doesn’t your pain now seem just a little less?

Another story that hit me and encouraged me to write this piece is a woman named Athena Krueger. I was actually writing another post…feeling bad for myself…and then happened on this article.

Once again, brought me back to reality.

This woman got pregnant easily…within the first 2 months of trying (isn’t that something we all wish for here?) But what happened weeks after she found out…makes you question, what is really important in life? She found a lump. While she was pregnant. She received the news that she had breast cancer. Had to go through chemo….while she was pregnant. She delivered her baby girl…early…but safe. She recently celebrated her 1st birthday…a huge tea party celebration….and then the baby’s mother, Athena, passed away the very next day.

I mean, are my problems really problems now? Sure, it’s not the way I want things to happen…but at least I have choices….and I have my life…my future…more wishes…

I couldn’t stop the tears and more for my selfish mind. I felt so ungrateful for everything I have been given in my life. Sure, it hasn’t been easy but my gosh…these women..these families…and what they are going through…I just can’t imagine….

So, no, I don’t feel bad for myself…and I won’t.

I must remind myself that this life…is precious. Every part of life is truly a gift. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hard times, the good times, the tough times….precious.

I’ve felt myself slipping away during this “cloud” of infertility over these years. Every year, I’ve taken less pictures. Every year, I start dreading the holidays. Every year, I lose more friends because they become pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th child. Every year, I have the same wish on my birthday…to be pregnant and deliver a healthy child…every…single…year.

What do these families I mentioned get to wish for now? They can’t wish for their loved one to be brought back to life…what do they wish for?

I am thankful for my wish. For my ability to wish for what I want. I am thankful that I even have a wish that is still possible.

Infertility may have not been a part of my plan. But none of these tragedies were a part of their plan either.

I have a wonderful life. Infertility and all. I won’t take for granted the life I’ve been given.

I encourage everyone who reads this to take a step back.

Stop complaining.

Write down all of the wonderful things that life has given you.

And remember it ALL.

Because some people, right at this moment are wishing for all of those things you have on your list.

Some people are simply wishing for one thing on your list…maybe the one you take most for granted.

Don’t let infertility rob you of appreciating your wish list…the list that came true.

Because others don’t get that chance…

Just remember that the next time you want to complain about anything really..

Life is good…and you have more wishes…that could come true….and isn’t that a beautiful gift?