Category: Losing Friends

What Are You Wishing For?

Wish

Sometimes, you really have to step back.

And give yourself a “reality check”.

I was forced to do this, this past weekend.

I tear up even writing about it.

If you read my post, Do You Believe in Miracles, you’ll have the back story. This story is the reason why I keep going.

Dealing with infertility is horrible. It’s beyond anything I can compare it to. It hurts. Beyond that, it is all consuming and constant disappointment. I know most of you reading understand..it just sucks.

At times, I feel like…can I really keep going? After all of the surgeries, IVF’s, FET’s, experimental treatments, 2nd opinions, 3rd opinions…can I go through more cycles, more debt? Doctors telling me to just give up, it’s not going to happen. Over 3 years and tons of credit card debt…my stomach aches, my heart is broken and my body is defeated…my mind exhausted and sad.

And then, I stop and open my eyes and heart to the world around me….and I’m brought back to reality.

To the reality that I have a wonderful life. What am I complaining about?

This weekend, I attended my friends, sons 1st birthday party. The miracle baby. This miracle though didn’t come without a tragedy. For 8 years they tried for a child..and their dream came true…but their nightmare also took over. His father, her husband, passed away before she even found out she was pregnant.

I thought to myself, here I am, celebrating this baby boy, who will never meet his father. His mother a widow from the day she received her BFP. She buried her husband on a Tuesday and saw those 2 pink lines on a Friday. No one to surprise. No one to celebrate with…no one by her side. I remember her telling me that she wished for this child. She said, though, that if it was a choice between her husband and her having a child she would have chosen her husband. How sad that because of the way her wish came true she has to think this way? Her husband was taken away from her at the exact moment the child she’s always dreamed of was created….unbelievable.

Can you even imagine that?

And doesn’t your pain now seem just a little less?

Another story that hit me and encouraged me to write this piece is a woman named Athena Krueger. I was actually writing another post…feeling bad for myself…and then happened on this article.

Once again, brought me back to reality.

This woman got pregnant easily…within the first 2 months of trying (isn’t that something we all wish for here?) But what happened weeks after she found out…makes you question, what is really important in life? She found a lump. While she was pregnant. She received the news that she had breast cancer. Had to go through chemo….while she was pregnant. She delivered her baby girl…early…but safe. She recently celebrated her 1st birthday…a huge tea party celebration….and then the baby’s mother, Athena, passed away the very next day.

I mean, are my problems really problems now? Sure, it’s not the way I want things to happen…but at least I have choices….and I have my life…my future…more wishes…

I couldn’t stop the tears and more for my selfish mind. I felt so ungrateful for everything I have been given in my life. Sure, it hasn’t been easy but my gosh…these women..these families…and what they are going through…I just can’t imagine….

So, no, I don’t feel bad for myself…and I won’t.

I must remind myself that this life…is precious. Every part of life is truly a gift. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hard times, the good times, the tough times….precious.

I’ve felt myself slipping away during this “cloud” of infertility over these years. Every year, I’ve taken less pictures. Every year, I start dreading the holidays. Every year, I lose more friends because they become pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th child. Every year, I have the same wish on my birthday…to be pregnant and deliver a healthy child…every…single…year.

What do these families I mentioned get to wish for now? They can’t wish for their loved one to be brought back to life…what do they wish for?

I am thankful for my wish. For my ability to wish for what I want. I am thankful that I even have a wish that is still possible.

Infertility may have not been a part of my plan. But none of these tragedies were a part of their plan either.

I have a wonderful life. Infertility and all. I won’t take for granted the life I’ve been given.

I encourage everyone who reads this to take a step back.

Stop complaining.

Write down all of the wonderful things that life has given you.

And remember it ALL.

Because some people, right at this moment are wishing for all of those things you have on your list.

Some people are simply wishing for one thing on your list…maybe the one you take most for granted.

Don’t let infertility rob you of appreciating your wish list…the list that came true.

Because others don’t get that chance…

Just remember that the next time you want to complain about anything really..

Life is good…and you have more wishes…that could come true….and isn’t that a beautiful gift?

 

 

Infertility Awareness Week— I Believe

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In honor of Infertility Awareness Week…I want to simply dedicate a song to all of you beautiful men and women going through this journey of a very misunderstood disease.

If you have just started your journey, know there is hope and faith.

I understand it all. I have been there…over 3 years actively trying…9 medicated cycles(3 IVF, 6 FET)…5 surgeries…2 HSG…3 Sonos…Ruptured Appendix….One Ovary…Blocked Fallopian Tubes…Endometriosis…Diminished Ovarian Reserve…Scar Tissue everywhere….Chronically Thin Lining….Dr.’s telling me, “I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen for you. It would take a miracle.”

Well, good thing I believe in miracles…..

I don’t care what they say. I don’t care what they believe. Because I know that I will become a mother. Some way, some how. It WILL happen and until I have my child in my arms, I will keep going and do whatever it takes for that to happen.

I will sacrifice. I will fight. I will battle for my child.

So this is for you. All of you battling infertility. This is not easy, this is not comfortable and this is not the way that we dreamed it would be….BUT this is also NOT the end of you.

This is truly the beginning.

“I Believe”

I believe if I’d knew where I was going, I’d lose my way

I believe that the words that he (your RE) told you are not your grave
I know that we are not the weight of all our memories
I believe in the things that I am afraid to say

Hold on, hold on

I believe in the lost possibilities you can see
And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
I know that your heart is still beating, beating darling
I believe that you fell so you can land next to me

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way
I wish that you could see your scars are linked of beauty
I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay

Hold on, hold on

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning [x4]
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

****Lots of love, grace and faith to you all…BELIEVE.****