Category: IVF

An Open Thank You Letter To My Infertility

Dear Infertility,

Well, here we are. We’ve known each other for what 5, 6 years? To be completely honest, when we first met, I didn’t want any part of you. I didn’t know how you found me, where you found me and why you wouldn’t go away. You stalked me. I would ask you kindly to leave me alone…all those years…I asked you to please just go away.

But you didn’t.

I tried everything to lose you. I went to numerous doctors. I had every surgery possible. I did IVF cycle after IVF cycle….then FET cycle after FET cycle…..and you wouldn’t let me “win”.
I saw others beating you….year after year…I saw new bloggers struggling with you…and then on their 2nd IUI they got pregnant….or on their 1st IVF cycle pregnant….or even 3rd, 4th or 5th IVF cycle pregnant…but most of them “beat” you.

But me….you wouldn’t let me win….
So I was forced to look at other options…..all because of you…
You’re probably wondering why this is even a “thank you” letter at all…
Well…you see….I may not have “beaten” you infertility….but I found a way around you…and because of you, I am staring at my beautiful son.
That is why I thank you.

I thank you because every single second of every single day I appreciate my son.
I am a better mother because of you
When he cries…I smile because he is alive…
When he wakes me 3 times a night to feed…I get up because I am finally a mother..
And when he smiles…my heart explodes with a love I never even knew existed..
So that is why I thank you…

I thank you because of this little boy….the exact month for egg retrieval….and exact egg and exact sperm that was needed to create him was because of YOU….
Think about that for a moment….
If I was able to get pregnant easily….this little boy would not be here…a different child would…
It took you, infertility, to force us to create him…
And so I thank you…

I only wish that during those dark times…so many years….when I thought you were working against me…I could see…that you had my best interest in mind…
God knew what he was doing when he introduced you to me…
Wow…
Did I actually just say that?
Yes….I am thankful for infertility and for God giving you to me…
This little boy that I am staring at as I type…is the reason for this letter..
I understand now…I understand it all…and it finally all makes sense…
He would not be here without God and my infertility…
So thank you God…and nice knowing you infertility…
I guess we can be friends after all….

Everything Changes: Encouragement on the Eve of Thanks

Last year at this time….I was lost….I mean, bottom of the barrel…lonely, depressed, lost…
I had been trying to have a baby for over 4 years….
And nothing worked……nothing
So many IVF cycles, failed FET cycles and then…my uterus would just not cooperate…..I was at a low in my life…I didn’t know what I should do next….
I would go for long walks alone often…and many times I would pass smiling mothers pushing their baby carriages/prams….
And it hurt…
I know others happiness should not hurt me…but if I’m honest…it did….because I felt like such an outsider….like it may never happen for me…..
After all of this…would my life ever change? They seem so happy…carefree….will I ever get to experience being a mother? God…will I??
And at the exact moment as I thought those thoughts…a new song came in my headphones…I had never heard it before…from one of my favorite artists……and I will never forget it….
Everything Changes by Sara Barailles…

Here are the lyrics:
Today’s a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn’t matter, now you’re here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I’m yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I’d hang the moon for it to shine on him sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn’t know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
‘Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart’s at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it’s true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you
So many tears fell from my eyes….uncontrollable tears…I felt the song was made for me. It was telling me….everything WILL change…
And it kept me going….it helped me believe when I wasn’t sure I could believe any longer….
One little song…
I’m sure Sara Barailles will never read this…but her words were so powerful to me…
And I want them for you….
My friend reading this….everything will change for you……some day…
You might be at the lowest low you have ever felt…..and I get it…
But remember…everything can change in an instant…in one day
Never stop fighting for YOU…..you are allowed to “give up” on infertility…I did and wrote about it here….
And look at where I am now by “giving up”…..I was able to give my son a chance at life by giving up on my body and have someone else carry him….if I would have kept trying on myself…he probably would not be here today….
When my son was born…I was reborn too….just like the song says……
I feel different…..I truly feel reborn…
And during this holiday season….I simply want to be here for you reading this still battling for your child….as a survivor that made it through…to the other side…
Because I remember….and I will never forget….the pain, the jealousy, the torture, the wait, the patience, the sadness…it all……
And when “everything changes” for you….I hope you can look back and use all of those feelings as strength to show someone else a little love and light to help get them through hard times…
I dedicate this song to my son W….You are more than I could have ever imagined little boy…..
“What did I do to deserve you?….I Thank God for You”
Blessing to you all this Thanksgiving…..