Category: IVF

Giving Up = Strength

June 2015- I was thinking about giving up on my body after years of disappointment.

August 2015-I gave up on my body and started the process of gestational surrogacy.

I had to give up. I gave up on my body. Others give up on their genetics(donor eggs/sperm donor). Others give up on both their body and their genetics(foster/adoption). And others are simply forced to give up all together. And when enough is enough, it is a very personal decision. You know when you are done. And anyone that wants to judge you for your decision has obviously never walked in your shoes.

You see because this really isn’t even a decision that is ours to make now, is it?

We have been diagnosed with infertility…it is a disease. Period. We did not choose this part of our life.

While I was going through it all. I would question…”why me?” A LOT.

And I was lost for so many years. I just kept trying different treatments, vitamins, injections, surgeries, etc…all in an attempt to grow my lining to carry my child.

But nope. Wasn’t happening.

So I gave up.

And now, after it all…I have a one year old little boy.

So many people tell me….”See, you never gave up!” And I have to correct them…that I DID give up. If I wouldn’t have given up, most likely this little boy would not be here….

And for that I say….sometimes, you have to give up.

Giving up is not an easy thing to do. You lose a part of yourself by giving up.

You lose the life you THOUGHT you were supposed to live…..

And that is such a hard pill to swallow.

Social media doesn’t help…as everyone posts their “best” selves….and their “perfect” lives…

But no one is perfect…and behind those gorgeous, filtered, perfectly posed pictures is heartache of some sort..

Infertility is a special kind of heartache that most cannot see by simply looking at you…

So when you “give up”, many don’t get it….

And most won’t ever get it….

Because, once again, this “choice”…it’s not that at all…..just like those “perfect” social media pictures…

So when someone gives up…instead of asking “why”, or “why don’t you try this”, or “why didn’t you try that”

How about saying, “I have no idea how you are feeling but just know that I’m here for you.”

Giving up is one of the strongest decisions you are forced to make…..

And the ones who have given up are some of the strongest men and women I know.




 

She Didn’t Have To Do It

I’ve been trying to figure out how to put it….but it’s pretty simple…”She didn’t have to do it”

My sister.

She didn’t have to carry our baby for us.

You see, I read a lot of infertility articles related to gestational surrogacy, and often times, there are women in need of a gestational surrogate stating, “If I only had a sister, surrogacy would be so easy.”

Uhhhh…well, first, even if you have a sister willing to carry, it’s not easy(at all) but second…even if you have a sister, that doesn’t mean she will automatically accept the responsibility of carrying your child for you. And I know plenty of women who need surrogates that actually DO have sisters….and still need to find someone….

I’ll admit it….I was very, very lucky. I didn’t even have to ask my sister. She offered. She called me up on my birthday(after about 3 years in)…and in the middle of her wishing me a happy birthday, and just some light-hearted talk…she blurted out, “You know I’ll do that for you.”…and I remember thinking..”Is she talking about what I think she’s talking about??”. And she said, “Ill carry your baby for you.” And all I could do is just cry.

You see, I never wanted to ask my sister. I didn’t want her to feel obligated or feel “forced” to carry my child…simply because she was my sister.

Because…….she didn’t have to do it.

I’ve gone over so many times what it took for us to have Baby W. I mean….holy cow…my timeline is HERE. And, the details of what gestational surrogacy entails(step-by-step) is a post I’m currently writing. But my sister, was the final piece that brought my son home.

Safely.

I always say “safely” because I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted to be pregnant and carry my child. I was willing to do “almost” anything to make that happen. Just read my blog through all of 2015. I tried, and tried…month after month….year after year to prepare my uterus to carry an embryo…to grow into a child in my arms….

But it never was meant to be….

My sister was the perfect babysitter….for 9 months…she watched over him, nurtured him, cared for him and loved him.

And I could not have asked for anything more.

He loves his Auntie. He lights up when she talks. And I am so very happy about the bond they have….

All because….she wanted to do it……

not because she had to…

And for that….I will be FOREVER grateful…..and thankful beyond words…..