Category: Infertility Blog

Answering “Why Me?” During NIAW 2017….

As National Infertility Awareness Week begins……I am humbled…..and wanted to revisit something I’ve mentioned before…

For years, I would write about what each new year would hold…2013 I wrote about HERE…2014 I wrote about HERE and 2015 I wrote HERE…..

And in 2016…..I finally got the present that I’ve wished for my entire adult life…….my child.

I still don’t believe it…..

In a weird way…I feel like now, I can’t wish for anything else…because he is here….in my arms….and I don’t want to be “greedy”. I want EVERYONE to have their life dream come true. So if you are reading this and are still in the throes of infertility….I get it. To read about someone else’s happiness(especially when you may be going through one of the hardest times in your life) is really tough. You may think….it’s never going to happen…it seems to happen for everyone else…but not me…..

And boy do I get it….

I never thought this would be the way I would have a child…

It took me a while and it took many unconventional ways to make it happen….

And now, I wouldn’t have it any other way…

I touched on it on in another post…but I want to mention it again…

What I never understood, as I battled infertility, was…….”why me?”

I said it time and time again….waiting for an answer…and for so long I got nothing but bad news after bad news….

And I continued to ask……..”Why me???”

Why was I the one to have a ruptured appendix at age 10 that left me with an overly scarred uterus, only one remaining blocked tube and one barely working ovary?

Why am I the one to have negative diagnosis after negative diagnosis and no matter what we tried, my body failed?

Why am I the one who is unable to even carry my child….being in less than 1% of the population?

Why am I the one?

And now….I ask that same question….but in an entirely different way?

Why was I the one to be blessed with THIS little boy?

He is even better than I could have ever imagined…..

Why me?

And that answer is simple….I had to go through everything I went through for this child to be created….

Numerous IVF cycles, the exact month to retrieve the exact egg and my husband’s exact sperm, my sister offering to carry him for us….

Without infertility…my little boy would not be here…..and that answers why….

If I only could’ve understood that all of those years behind me….

I was depressed…I was lonely…..I was confused…I felt forgotten….

But I was wrong….

And if you are reading this…and you are still battling….realize that something wonderful can happen for you…

It’s happening now…while you are in your struggle….

And there is a reason….a reason for it all….

I know, easy for me to say now,…but again…look at my timeline/life….yep…tons of disappointment after disappointment……..

If you would have told me I wouldn’t even be able to carry my child….I might have said..forget it….

But that’s not how it played out. I had embryos…frozen 2 years before….I needed to give them a chance…

And boy am I ever thankful to have not just closed the door. I actually had to “give up” and accept failure of my own body…and trust my gut…….just not my own body….

someone else’s body with my embryo…..my little guy…

So, listen up, if there’s one thing my story can be for you…let it be this….

There is a plan all along…….

The “why me?”……that I asked myself and you may be asking yourself right now during NIAW…….

You must believe it will make sense some day…

So “Why me?” ……….well, because…….it HAD to be me……..to get what I have now..this happy, healthy baby…..the baby I was always supposed to have…

And wherever you are with infertility….”Why you?”

I think you know what I’m going to say……..but it HAS to be you….

You will be thankful it was you…you will understand why it’s you….

One day, you will finally be at peace and be able to look into those little eyes and say….

I’m so glad it was me all along……..

 

For support and information on infertility, support and guidance visit Resolve.org

 




IVF: What I Never Talked About….

Some things….you keep to yourself…
I wrote about most of my personal infertility experiences here on this blog but some things….I kept hidden….
I’m not one to expose myself…
I’ve been pretty anonymous on here(unless you are on my IG or are the 5 people I’ve actually told about this blog) and I did not open up about my infertility to friends until we were already 6 months along(since my sister was carrying and lived in another state….wasn’t that hard to hide and not talk about until I was ready)….

And speaking of hiding…I hid something that was devastating and I’m about to tell you all about it now….
For some of you, it might not have been a big deal…..and I get it…. but since my career was in television…. this was hard to hide…

It’s called Alopecia Areata

I’m finally writing about it because I thought…what if this happens to someone else and they don’t know what to do? Or where to go, or who to ask?

So here we are….

Long story short, I lost my hair….

If going through all of these infertility treatments wasn’t enough…….

I sat silently as clumps of hair would fall out in the shower…it was devastating to say the least.

At first, I just noticed my hairline getting thinner…..

And I tried to ignore it as nothing….

But then I couldn’t ignore it any longer…

I was losing my hair..
I actually lost most of the hair on the right side of my head(see pic below..this is after it grew back a little too)


Because of infertility….and all of the treatments I put my body through….I developed Alopecia Areata….
For those of you that do not know what that is, it is an autoimmune skin disease that I believe developed due to all of the meds/treatments/stress/anxiety, etc..that I went through to try to have a baby……sure, they say it’s inherited, genetic…but no one in my family has ever had this…4 rounds of IVF and 6 medicated FET’s….10 cycles(!) are most likely the cause in my book…sooo many meds and shots…

And guess what you have to do to try to treat this?

More shots……

but this time…..in your head 🙁 ugh…

Like I didn’t have enough injections in my life…….so for months upon months in 2015 and into 2016…I would get shots of steroids in my head from my dermatologist…

To say I was over needles was an understatement….

But I had to get them…I couldn’t lose all of my hair..I was still trying to work…combing my hair certain ways…not allowing anyone to touch my hair and making excuses when they tried….

It was awful…

But oddly something beautiful was happening at the same time….I was moving towards gestational surrogacy…

And every step we took with my beautiful sister…….

more clumps of hair would fall out…

But I was ok…

And once that pregnancy test was positive, once we saw the heartbeat, once we passed 20 weeks…..

My hair continued to fall out…but there was this blinding light upon my horizon that overshadowed any sadness…..

I was finally going to have a child…

All of the torture I put my body through was finally paying off….

Hair loss and all….

The things some of us do to try to have a baby…

So, if you ever find yourself losing your hair…please know, you are not alone(and most of mine eventually grew back).

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask..

This post is extremely vulnerable…and I only decided to write about it to help someone else….

Someone that might be feeling alone, sad and have no where else to turn…

But I’m here to let you know…you’ll never be alone…I’m here…and I understand..

For more information about Alopecia Areata, please visit: https://www.naaf.org/alopecia-areata