Category: Infertility Blog

A Funeral & A Wedding

The title says it all….

If you read my last post (Missed Calls ) , you know about our dear friend who was on life support.

Unfortunately, he lost his battle this past week 🙁

When something so unexpected happens like this…you really put EVERYTHING into perspective. I can’t stop thinking of his wife, now a widow 🙁 They were on the same path as us…trying to have a baby…and now instead of bringing their own little life into the world, she has to plan to say goodbye…to her one and only love….(tears)….

This Saturday….as we attend the funeral of our beloved friend…that same night….we have a wedding…what are the odds? To go from the sadness of losing a loved one….to the joining of two becoming one…beginning their life together…all within 24hrs…

It was also our anniversary this week….our 1 year anniversary.  Last year, I thought I would have a baby by this time….but now….I’m just so happy to have my loving husband here with me. I’ve always been thankful that I found this wonderful man…but even more so now.

We all have battles, problems, challenges…we think, there is no hope….why is this happening to me??

I won’t do this anymore…..I am thankful for every day on this earth. I am thankful for the wonderful, amazing life I have…because that’s the way our friend lived his life….just like that….God bless you T….

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My HSG Experience & Acceptance

If you’re reading this, you’re either thinking about having an HSG or have had an HSG or are just curious about the whole process.

I read through TONS of blogs and comments on websites regarding the HSG experience……and I was TERRIFIED. The things that people write and how they explain things is….well….DRAMATIC. Now mind you, it’s not the most pleasant thing in the world….BUT I read things from ladies on other blogs and sites that said “it felt like I was dying”….seriously?! I mean, I’m sure that everyone has different thresholds of pain….but come on……if that felt like you were dying, how in the world are you going to go through childbirth??

This was my experience:

I took about 800mg of ibuprofen 1 hour before the procedure. I drove there by myself. Checked in, changed into the gown and went into the radiology room. The radiologist asked if I was allergic to iodine(because that’s what they use to fill up the uterine cavity) and explained what was going to happen. I laid on the table first and they took an xray with nothing inside of me. Then it all felt a little like a pap smear at first. The balloon then went in and the pressure of the dye. There is some pressure….but I would say it’s more of a “weird” feeling than actual “hurt”. I do have a pretty high threshold for pain though, so maybe it is me. I did actually hold the nurses hand because the radiologist kept having me move around and turn to different sides to get better views. All in all it took about 1 hr from check in to finish.

Now for the results….not good. This is when I wish my husband was there with me 🙁 They told me that, the dye was “puddling up” in one area and there seems to be a lot of scar tissue around my ONLY tube. So my tube was blocked. And worse, it looks like I have something called “hydrosalpinx” as well. Hydrosalpinx (I didn’t even know what that meant) but blocked tubes…I did. Tears began to flow and I was beside myself. Knowing what that meant. Most likely IVF.  I was devastated.

As I changed back into my regular clothes, tears continued to overflow. I couldn’t stop. And this is where…if you believe in God or not….someone was watching over me. A lovely older woman, asked if I was o.k., she took my hand and asked if I wanted her to pray for me….and I did. I was inconsolable. At that moment…when you’re alone….and flashes of everything you have read and heard about IVF go through your head…..alone….having someone…a stranger…see you helpless and offer their hand and comfort…..made me believe in human kindness again. She took my trembling hands and placed them in hers and prayed. A sense of peace came over me. Now, I am not overly religious but I do believe in God and I believe that we all have our life path. It made me realize, this must be my path. And I accepted it…right then and there…..

Throughout my life….I’ve had ups and downs. But…some of the downs…brought me to where I am today….and I have to be thankful for it all. And I am thankful for this diagnosis. Though it seems I’ve been given a “bad break”….I get it. I get that it took me years to finally break into my career field…but I did it. I felt like I would NEVER find the man I was meant to marry in L.A…..and I did. And this….well, I just know that this is the way that we will create our family. This is the way it is supposed to be…meant to be. I am so very thankful that we are living in a day and age that we have the option of IVF. That there is the technology to help us safely create a life, outside of the body, and have it transferred into our womb to continue growing….a true miracle.

I know my journey has just begun….but I know that one day I will be holding a miracle…my miracle.

I know in my heart….and I won’t give up until I do.

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