Category: Infertility Awareness

I Didn’t “Beat Infertility”

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Nope, I didn’t.

Even though I am expecting in a couple months…I am reminded daily that I, in fact, did not beat infertility.

Instead of having a beautiful growing belly at this time, I am having my 5th operative hysteroscopy tomorrow.

I could have put it off…but I want to have this surgery over and done with before baby boy is here. I want my focus to fully be on him and not my “remarkable” uterus.

I won’t go into details but something is just not right with my uterus (shocker) and either scar tissue has grown back or a growth or who knows…but hopefully we will find out tomorrow and I will heal up to be 100% for baby boy’s arrival.

My body continues to remind me……my ego continues to remind me as well.

My Ego.

I’ve lived with it my entire life. I shouldn’t be surprised by its ugly head rearing when I should be the happiest in my life. In a couple of months, my child will be born. Absolutely amazing. But my ego will not let go of the fact that I didn’t win.

I personally did not beat infertility.

I am not pregnant with my child, someone else is…and my ego continues to remind me.
I know I need to just get over it.
I try.

Believe you me…I try.

Just as I tried every possible way to carry my child…I’m trying to get over it. But little(ok big) things continue to break me down. Most recently, my husband’s ex-wife will not stop asking questions. Frankly, I don’t believe she needs to know the details of how our child is conceived or born. At all. But because my husband has a daughter with her, she feels like she can ask. Which I cannot tell you how much it bothers me. I just keep thinking….if I was “normal”, we certainly wouldn’t be discussing the days we had sex to conceive our child…would we??? So why in the hell do we have to go into detail and explain everything? I already had it all figured out but now, his ex just will not stop.

And I can’t handle it.

I cannot handle my ego.

My ego says, I’m embarrassed that I cannot carry my own child. I wasn’t able to “beat infertility”.

That I cannot believe my husband was able to conceive a child so easily with someone else…..but not me.

I honestly just want to hide…hide from it all.

But I’m trying to focus…as I know…nothing else really matters except that baby growing.

It’s so easy though for others to tell me to “get over it”.

If it was only that easy.

No one can understand what someone has truly gone through unless you have been through it…period.

It blows my mind when I finally tell people about my struggle to conceive and they reply with, “I understand, it took me a long time to conceive my third child.”¬†Ummmm…what?!? No, you don’t understand….at all…like, not one bit. And obviously, I should not have said anything to you……

It’s crazy the amount of strength you have to continue to have, even when good news is on the way….

But it’s all about that good news…that’s what I need to truly focus on…

My boy is growing in a safe environment, he’s healthy, he’s almost here….

And all that negativity…all that anger….all that sadness….that ego……starts to fade away……

I may not have “Beat Infertility”…but I found a way around it….

Finding a way around it……just remember that friends…..it’s not easy, takes patience, takes strength, takes time, it may take all you’ve got……

But remember…..

Good things can still happen even if you don’t “Beat Infertility”…….




 

 

 

A Moving Apology & Being Invisible

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I know, I said I wouldn’t do it (leave you all hanging…)

So, I am sorry…but I have a good reason.

We moved…to a different state…that I only visited once…

And I have been a bit overwhelmed…..

I’ve lived in California for 14 years…I basically grew up there and now…it’s all new..so I’m trying to adjust….

But I am back…still not settled in yet…but back in the blog world and ready to get you all up-to-date.

So without further ado, Baby Joy is still wonderful…we are halfway there and I cannot believe it…..honestly, takes my breath away…

Having someone else carry your child is surreal. In so many ways. From the beginning stages, now and I’m sure beyond…it’s a feeling that is hard to explain really.

But I’ll try….

Disclaimer: Now, first and foremost, I am so happy to be having a child soon. I cannot say it enough. So, I don’t want this post to reflect any sort of unacceptable complaining when someone is expecting. Many instances in this blog world, I would read updates from women struggling with infertility and once they got pregnant, all they did was complain……..um…yeah…no. So please, see this as an education on the gestational surrogacy process. A real version. Since many of you will fortunately not have to experience gestational surrogacy and go on to have happy, healthy pregnancies, via IVF or another route, being a supportive audience in this realm is all I ask…thank you.. xo

So obviously, my number one goal and dream in all of this was to bring my child into this world healthy and safe. So far, so good.

But I’m still not pregnant.

I don’t get the loving looks. I don’t get the random congratulations when a stranger looks at me. I don’t get the extra attention in public. I don’t get to have excuses for being tired or having cravings. I don’t get to experience feeling my little one grow inside of my womb.

I already did not get to experience the “natural” way to create a child…instead, I had to endure numerous rounds of IVF, FET’s, surgeries and still no pregnancy for me.

What brought this feeling on was a visit to a baby store. I went with my Mom and my sister surrogate. My sis is amazing(obviously, no explanation necessary.) And there is no one else I would rather have carrying my baby. But walking into the store, I immediately feel like I wanted to walk out. The saleswomen walks up to my sister, obviously because her bump is now showing and asks when her baby is due.

I, on the other hand, am invisible to the saleswoman at the baby store.

My sis looks at me uncomfortably, wondering if she should explain to a random stranger one of the most personal stories one could tell and I just shake my head. I wander away trying to just focus on picking some things out so we can get out of there without more questions.

But her questions continued.

How many kids do you already have? Are you having a boy or a girl? How exciting to have a third child on the way..how are the other two going to adjust?

Can you say awkward??…..

And I know this may not be a big deal to a lot of you….but I’ve always dreamed of going to the baby store with my Mom and sis and picking things out for my child. It’s supposed to be something that I was looking forward to after all of the crap I’ve been through…but it is what it is and this is my reality. Once again, not what I thought.

I’m just not one to explain to every single stranger my entire infertility life story in one sentence. Sure, it could be simple. I could have just told the saleswoman, “Actually, it’s my baby. Yes, my sister is carrying my baby, in her womb because I cannot carry my child due to medical complications.”

Ummmm…but no thank you. Really none of her business. And I know it’s not her fault either.

But the reality of it is, is that I’ve felt very guarded about my infertility and the extent of it . I know many of you are very open about your struggles and I admire that more than you know. I wish I could just bust out and tell everyone, everything that I have been through…but it’s not me.

You see…because NOTHING has changed with me yet.

I am still infertile. I am still not pregnant. I still do not have a child.

I am still waiting for something bad to happen because it always does….horrible even typing that…but it’s the way I feel.

I’ve always been on the wrong side of the statistics. I last wrote a little about that here. So though I may be feeling invisible now….in my heart, I know I am anything but that…

I am slowly beginning to understand that I have an extraordinary, complicated, uncomfortable story.

And it needs to be seen…it needs to be told.

I have put something together that I have shared with family and I am trying to get the courage to share it with you all and others.

Staying invisible is not something that I want to be.

Others need to know what I’ve been through….what WE have been through. Though all might not understand, that’s the risk we take…

And what’s life without risks?

A quote that is becoming one of my favorites right now is,

“One of the biggest risks in life is not taking one.”

So, I will leave you with that….next post I might take that risk. You might learn more about me.

I may not be invisible anymore.