Category: Hysteroscopy

She’s Hurting Because Of Me

If you remember in one of my past posts, I talked about how my angel of a sister offered to be our gestational surrogate. Unfortunately, her uterus did not look good.

Can you believe that?

Not only do I have a shit uterus, so does my sister? I mean, really?? How is this even possible? She’s had two babies, easily, everything should be fine…

But it wasn’t and my RE recommended an operative hysteroscopy.

Her lining was very thick…yes….the exact OPPOSITE of mine. Unbelievable. And it wasn’t just a little thick. It was extremely thick while she was on birth control…which is scary.

So she needed a biopsy to make sure it wasn’t cancer. How sickening.

Back in Sept., they did the biopsy…and let me tell you, I was worried.

But thank God……it wasn’t cancerous.

But she STILL had too thick of lining and some bumps in her uterus. Not a good sign.

Cue heartbreak.

Not only for my hope of being able to finally have a place to put my embryos but for my sweet sister and this new diagnosis.

Her gynecologist wasn’t concerned(since the biopsy came back normal) so she said she really didn’t need it, unless she wanted to have more children. Well, she doesn’t want anymore children, she has two, but I want a child………and for her to possibly carry our child, she needed to have it done. One more, unexpected out-of-pocket expense and one more time being told…..I needed to wait…and keep waiting for my babies.

So a few weeks ago, she had her very first operation, an operative hysteroscopy…..

All because of me.

Yes, she has had two babies before but she has never been put under anesthesia for any type of surgery.

And she didn’t have to……..but she did it for me.

She’s hurting because of me.

I can’t tell you how horrible I feel. I don’t want her to go through ANY of this. I don’t understand why it ALL has to be so hard.

I just want a baby.

Just like most of you reading this.

Something that most people don’t even have to think about “trying” to make happen.

Most people get to have sex to create life. So simple. So fun.

The exact opposite of what we’ve been doing for the past 3 years.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thankful that we live in a time that all of these opportunities exist. I am thankful I was born when I was…in 1977, one year before the very first IVF baby was born.

But my sweet sister? Why after her being able to have 2 children so easily, is now faced with problems?

I can’t help but feel a dark cloud surrounds me and my way to having a baby….and if you get too close to me…you might get sucked in too.

Am I delusional?¬†Probably. Am I exhausted with “finding a way to carry a baby”? Yes. Am I almost at my breaking point? Yes, I think I’m over my breaking point.

But if you’ve been faced with all of these issues…you might just be too.

It is miserable.

Who thinks growing up they would have trouble having a child? Then navigating fertility treatments, and none of that works, then IUIs, then IVF’s, then FET’s, then accepting surrogacy….and all for naught…..

How much can one take?

If you ask me…..more than I could have ever imagined.

I think that’s why we don’t know our “future”.

If I would have seen this “plan” laid out for me years ago….I might have just run away.

It’s all too overwhelming.

And now, my innocent sister is involved.

And it makes me feel that much worse.

But she is my strength in this all.

She smiles for me. She’s positive.

She is my light at this end of this miserable tunnel.

She will save me from myself.

She says it will be all right.

I just hope she is right.

thank-you-for-being-the-best-sister-ever-2

 

 

Celebrating Your Day Of Birth

birthday_cupcake

Birth.

Every day we celebrate it throughout the world.

Whether giving birth or celebrating the anniversaries of birth…”birth”days.

And yesterday happened to be my day.

I guess, for me, because it has been so hard for me to get pregnant and bring someone into this world on their “birth”day….I appreciate it that much more. I am so very thankful that it all fell into place for me to be here but it doesn’t come without some forethought as well.

Here I am. I turned 38 yesterday. Not 28…..38.

I honestly, cannot believe I am still here trying to have a child. Not my second or my third. My very first child. Tears start forming in my eyes as I type this…but it is so true. I never, ever imagined being here, childless, helpless, confused and getting older by the minute. I’ve recently read some other bloggers sad that they are turning 29 or 30 and how depressed they are that their fertility is slipping away from them…wow…

So where does that leave me? I’m pushing 40 folks and I have no control over it. I’ve tried to control it. I tried having a baby literally the second I got married…at 34….almost 4 years ago. I thought I was safe. I thought I would be like everyone else and get pregnant when I wanted to. And then it didn’t happen. And not only did it not happen when I wanted it to…I don’t know if it will ever happen. According to my Dr.’s, it won’t ever happen…and if it miraculously happens, I would be at risk, the baby would be at risk and all the joy and utter excitement of having a child would be taken from me…just as it has been these past 4 years.

So am I in a lose, lose situation?

I tried swallowing that hard fact that I may never be able to carry my child. A hard acceptance as it is, moving onto using a gestational carrier. I was blessed beyond words to have my wonderful sister offer to carry for us…more than many have as an option. And once again, I was faced with the sobering news of disappointment…her uterus did not look normal on the ultrasound or sonohystogram and she would need to have an operative hysteroscopy. She won’t be able to carry for us at this time.

Talk about gutted. Shot down once again.

I feel boxed in a corner. I feel helpless. I feel anxious. I feel like I’m being punished for something I did. I also feel….

Jealous.

I’ll admit it…I am jealous. I hate that I feel this way….and I’ve always tried to live my life to be thankful for what I have and not covet what others have.

I’m jealous of so much these days. I’m even jealous of other infertile women because they: have 2 ovaries, because they actually have tubes and can try “naturally”, a normal lining thickness, because they are 28, because they only had to go through 1 IVF cycle…how sick is that?? I’m jealous of women who “only” had to go through 1 IVF cycle…even “only” 2 IVF cycles….insane.

Is that what it’s come to? Me being jealous of what others see as their “nightmare”..having to go through IVF?

Why does it all have to be SO hard…I just don’t get it. I’ve tried to understand it. I’ve tried to follow the signs. I’ve tried to listen to the Dr.’s. I’ve then ignored the Dr.’s.

I’ve prayed…and I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed.

And I’m still here. With eyes of jealousy….that I truly despise.

I don’t like myself right now. My jealous, 38 year old self.

Yuck.

I apologize for the whining….and on my birthday…lovely.

But I don’t hold it back from you all…I never have and I never will…this is the unedited truth and it needs to be told too.

Every infertility hardship doesn’t always end in ultrasound printouts, cute baby bump pics and clever birth announcements.

That needs to be said.

It needs to be said for other women like me, struggling to simply walk outside fearing a run-in with a pregnant women, or dodging numerous baby strollers on my way to work or just logging onto Facebook.

This post is for other women, turning another year older, sitting at your computer or on your phone reading this, wondering if your dream of having a child is simply just that….only a dream and questioning if you will ever see that child’s face you’ve pictured in your head as your own.

So, this birthday wish is for us all.

I’ll wish for what I do every year because I can dream that one day it will all come true.

That I’ll be holding my child in my arms on my next birthday.

I’ve wished for that every…single…..year these past 4 years.

I thought…, 2012 is the year, then definitely by 2013. Then it turned to 2014. Then 2015…now it’s 2016.

So, I’m 38 and it will be 2016…and I am wishing, once again for that dream to come true.

I pray that I get pregnant and deliver my healthy child in 2016

Please Lord, hear my prayer.

Blowing out my candles, that’s my only wish….To have my child in my arms next year at this time.

So simple for most…yet unbearably complex for a few.

That’s all I want though.

And every birthday, I will continue to make that same wish…

Until it comes true.

Here’s to 38 and wishes finally coming true.

(and a champagne cheers to you all..because we can…xo)