For the past couple of months, I’ve been blissfully taking care of my miracle son. All the struggle. All the money. All the pain. Finally, I can see in his eyes why I kept going. I can also honestly say that I am a different person now that he is here. I am happier. I enjoy every little thing. I appreciate my time. I am filled with joy.
It’s refreshing after so many years of bitterness and defeat.
But days like today remind me…it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
I got a bill in the mail today.
And not just any bill. It’s my son’s hospital bill.
I found it odd that I hadn’t received anything in months but just figured it was taking some time for it to process through insurance. Immediately after he was born, instead of being put on our surrogate’s insurance, he was put under ours at the hospital. And to have that happen, and not have to adopt our own biological child, we had to go through lawyers, sign contracts and pay a hefty sum of money for 2 lawyers (well over $7,000+)….yes, ridiculous.
But obviously, that wasn’t enough.
The insurance covered NOTHING from his 2 days stay at the hospital.
And I am just so sad.
There’s always a reminder that I did not give birth to my son. I could not give birth to my son. I’ll never have given birth to my son.
Such a failure.
And now, thousands and thousand of dollars more. That we really don’t have.
Tears fall as I write this because I don’t understand. Surrogacy is just so much money(even if you’re able to have a family member be your surrogate…but that’s for another post.)
So now, I’m going to have to call the insurance again. Plead my case. Explain my very personal struggle to a stranger…..again.
How unbelievably invasive…and mentally and physically exhausting.
I’ve felt like I’ve been on trial during most of my experience with surrogacy.
I don’t like saying that, since it gave me one of the greatest gifts possible, but the laws and ignorance that still goes along with the word “surrogacy” makes me so angry.
They say: “Surrogacy exclusions”. “Surrogacy is not covered”. “Surrogacy laws”. “Surrogacy bans”. “Surrogacy should not be allowed”. “Surrogacy is not God’s plan.”
How about look at me. As a real person.
Look at my scars.
Tell me I didn’t try with all my might to give birth to my child. Tell me that.
Read MY story. Read my timeline. Look at our drained bank account. See my hair fall out of my head and leave me bald. Watch me inject myself with painful medications month after month…year after year after year…just hoping to make it to an embryo transfer. All failed. No other option with my broken body.
And then look at this perfect little baby. Tell me God did not want him here.
And you are not going to cover him finally entering this world?
I knew I had to fight to bring him into this world…but I thought I could let down my guard a little….but no.
So now, I have to fight for one more thing that most women don’t think twice about….
Always a reminder…of how I was unable to do one of the most natural things in this world…give birth.
I don’t mean for this to be so negative but I thought it was over…at least constantly being judged/criticized for having to use a surrogate…and the money…the loads and loads of money….
And I guess it doesn’t ever really end…
I just need to get used to it….or, as some of you have written me, “get over it”.
But one major lesson that I’ve learned….you never really understand unless you have truly walked in someone else’s shoes…and not just tried them on…like literally walked in them day after day, month after month, year after year.
So I will wipe my tears….I will be strong once again…..I will stand my ground…and I will get through this…
Breathe in…breathe out….he’s worth it all…and I’ll never stop fighting for him…ever.