Category: FET

12 week Ultrasound(Gestational Carrier/Surrogate)

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Our 12 week, 5 day ultrasound……wow.

I’ll be honest…I’m still in a “is this really happening to me?” mindset….

It all doesn’t feel real.

I should have posted this last week….but I didn’t feel right posting during National Infertility Awareness Week. Call me overly sensitive…but I just understand. Year after year, this has been MY week. My week to feel o.k. about myself. And it still is my week….I’m still infertile. I’m still not pregnant. I just somehow found a way around infertility to be expecting a baby at the end of this year…and I still cannot believe it.

Well, I didn’t believe it until I saw our little Joy’s face.

omg

I saw it. Not in my womb…it didn’t matter…..all I saw was that precious profile…

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Be still my heart.

Amazing.

Seeing Joy move, and kick and twist….

wow

We also did the Counsyl genetic testing for 2nd trimester. Now, as long as my sister’s(our gestational carrier’s) life is not in danger…we are keeping this baby regardless of the results. Some of you may disagree with our decision. And that is o.k….because this is not your baby or your decision to make. It’s ours. This is the baby we created. This baby is our miracle that is somehow able to grow in someone else. This baby was chosen for us. It is something we were forced to talk about months ago writing up our gestational carrier contract with our lawyers. So a decision had to be made. And that is why I support everyone’s personal decision. And isn’t it wonderful that we live in a society where we can make our own decisions 🙂 . I’ll update with those results as soon as we get them…should be in the next day or two!

But this little Joy has brought light back into my heart. I know my fellow blog friends understand. Those who have been through heartbreak after heartbreak. Many times I thought…”Why me?” and “When will it be my turn?” But what I am slowly understanding is…this is the way it was supposed to happen. This is the only way this little one could be created and brought into this world.

This was meant to be.

And the more I see little Joy grow. The more I “get it”.

It’s as simple as that.

We have another checkup in about 2 weeks…and then the big 20 week ultrasound after that…

It’s flying by and I could not be happier.

This may not have been the way I always dreamed of having a baby…

but it doesn’t matter anymore.

It doesn’t matter that I’ve been through too many IVF cycles and FET cycles. It doesn’t matter that we’ve spent more money than anyone should to have a child. It doesn’t matter that my body failed me too many times to count. It doesn’t matter that I’m not the one carrying our child. It doesn’t matter that I am not pregnant.

All that matters is that little face. Those tiny eyes, nose and lips….

and I can breathe………and say….it’s finally starting to make sense…

This nightmare…is finally making sense.



 

 

 

What Others Couldn’t Fathom #NIAW

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Someone wrote me recently and one sentence stuck out….

“The strength and determination you have had to endure, others couldn’t fathom.”

I thought about that for a moment…….”others couldn’t fathom”

I know I have been through a lot regarding infertility but I know others have been through even more. I mean, there are men and women when I read their stories, I think, I couldn’t fathom.

Honestly, it didn’t occur to me that maybe some people feel that way about me.

But then I had to step back.

And I had to look at my timeline(a.k.a. my life). I looked at all of the surgeries, appointments, procedures, blood draws, IVF’s, cancelled FET cycles, failed cycles, negative pregnancy tests, then ultimately giving up my ability to carry my own child and all of the work that has gone into having a gestational surrogate carry my baby…..

And wow…..I don’t know if I could have fathomed that 4 years ago either, when I started trying to have a baby.

Going through infertility, many times I thought, I just want to know what my future will look like…especially in the beginning. I wanted to know if the surgery would work, if I was on the correct path or dosage of medicine, if this would be the last IVF I would have to go through or if I would have blastocysts, if my lining would be thick enough, I could go on and on….

But if I knew what I would have to go through, maybe it would have been too overwhelming…..

Maybe I would have said, “Forget it, it just seems like it’s going to be too much.”

Maybe I would have given up before I even tried….

But that’s not how life works.

No one knows their future…so pray to God, or you go with your gut and take it step by step, day by day to decide what is best for you.

“What others couldn’t fathom”….that’s us. That’s infertility.

Wear that comment like a badge of honor. And stand proud.

I can now say….it makes me feel invincible that I can handle something others couldn’t fathom.

Like we have the superpowers of patience and determination.

And whether you are just starting your infertility battle…or have been here for 10 years…..

There is someone out there that could not fathom what you are going through at this very moment.

You are all strong. You are all brave.

You are all an inspiration to those longing to be called “Mom”….

Even if you are not one yet……yet.

So in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I salute all of my infertility warriors. You are all my inspiration and I appreciate each and every one of your messages and comments. Thank you for supporting me and thank you for spreading the word.

Infertility is a disease. Infertility needs to be recognized and covered by insurance.

Infertility is not a choice. Infertility is something I could never fathom yet is now a part of me forever.

And now, I am speaking up to help those that may not have found their voice yet…

Let’s all break the silence. #StartAsking

#NIAW 2016 #Resolve

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