Category: fertility

“You Are So Lucky”

shamrock-lucky-icon

Yep…that’s what someone said to me recently when I opened up about about my struggle to get pregnant.

What? Lucky??

Exactly what I thought. WHAT??

I explained how we went through all of these treatments for over 3 years and I might have to have someone else carry our child.
Her response,” Well, at least you don’t have to ruin your body with a pregnancy. “You are so lucky.”

I could not believe those words came out of her mouth….seriously???

Did she not hear me when I said we’ve been through 9 cycles…3 IVF and 6 FET cycles?? Pretty much hell. And I’ve got nothing to show for it? And now, I have to take another chance and pray that this…ANOTHER huge sacrifice…not being able to carry my child…will lead me to my children?

Unbelievable.

And this….this, my friends, is why sometimes….I just want to keep it all to myself.

One day…I just want to show up with a baby…to just feel “normal” again. I feel like such an outsider 99% of the time. And now, having to have someone else possibly carry my child..one more thing to add to my “luck”

I know life isn’t fair. But wow…I’m just over all of this. I literally don’t want to start the next steps.

I thought not getting pregnant the old fashioned way was tough.

I thought having to make an appt. with an RE was tough.

I thought having 2 HSG’s, 3 Sono HSG’s, 5 abdominal surgeries, 2 hysteroscopies, 3 IVF’s, 6 FET’s, 2 experimental treatments, only one ovary, hydrosalpinx, ruptured appendix, covered in scar tissue, DOR, Crohns, Endometriosis, chronically thin lining, Asherman’s Syndrome, thousands of blood draws and hundreds of fertility injections was tough.

But being told that you can’t carry a child….I think that takes the cake.

I mean……and someone had the audacity to say I’m “lucky”

Wow.

Gets to my heart. How people truly have no idea how much their words hurt and how it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

But this is my life. I didn’t choose it but I have no choice but to keep going. My eye is on the prize.

The steps towards having someone else carry your child…a gestational carrier/surrogate or adoption is OVERWHELMING…to say the least. When people say, “You can always JUST adopt”, I want to rip their head off…I mean…do they not know the hoops you have to jump through? That adoption still costs a TON of money, isn’t “easy” and has emotional implications as well? Just ask My Perfect Breakdown. Following her journey gives me insight into the adoption process…and truly appreciate her sharing the good and the bad.

Either way, surrogacy or adoption, the expense is just too much. The process is just too much. The RE’s really don’t know how to handle it…since not many women have to go the route of surrogacy and it leaves me…once again, feeling alone…and wanting to hide.

I thought having to explain my infertility to others was tough but now, the thought of me having to explain how someone else will carry my child makes me want to run away and start a new life…where I don’t have to do this.

I don’t want to do this. It seriously makes me sick.

Why do I have to be the one that has to explain my infertility and surrogacy to the world?

That’s how it feels.

Why was I one of the chosen ones to do this?

I know I am strong but honestly…I’m not that strong…I just put on a good front…and that’s the truth.

But here I am…writing my story to the world.

My story.

I never dreamed this would be my struggle.

I thought something before this would work…whether it would be charting, timing, taking Clomid, Femara, IUI, IVF, IVF, IVF, ICSI..etc…

But surrogacy or adoption? I never could have dreamed…

And then….literally (as I was typing this) I didn’t know what to write next. I stopped and look at my phone and saw I had an email from someone named Alyssa.

I read her email…and then it all made sense. She wrote such a kind email. She thanked me for my blog and then said:

“Thank you for being the voice for us, the broken mangled couples that struggle to breathe. You are an inspiration and are adored by people you will never meet, you are our voice, comfort and fellow fighter. You help me take the next breath that will bring me strength.”

And that’s why I am here.

That is exactly why I am here.

To be YOUR voice.

If you’ve felt alone, angry, hurt, mangled, lost or want to hide.

I WILL BE YOUR VOICE.

I’ve struggled to accept my infertility.

I never thought I was “lucky.”

But after getting emails like this, from men and women around the world…

I know why I’m here. To share my story.

So I guess I am “lucky” in a way.

Lucky that I have a voice and will fight for us all.

And I am blessed and “lucky” to have found you all…the men and women that support me.

So thank you for that my “Good Luck” charms 😉 You are appreciated more than you know.

 

 

 

This Nightmare Called Infertility

hope

If this is my nightmare…

I will gladly take it.

Yes…you heard me right…..I will gladly take it. I’ll take it all.

If at the end of this misery, I am able to have healthy children, free of cancer, free of hurt, free of tragedy…I will bear this burden.

It breaks my heart to see children and families broken due to the tragedies I listed above…lives taken too early. Families left with their hearts broken for a lifetime. I don’t know if I could deal with it. Could I continue on? I just don’t know.

But this is what I do know. No matter how much heartbreak, disappointment, tragedy, pain, burden, ect, I am going through right now…I know I can handle it. ALL.

It may not be what I want, when I want it or how I want it to happen but I can only hope and pray that this….THESE moments that I am going through and have gone through over the years…this will be my only tragedy in regards to my children: The struggle and tragedy bringing them into this world.

I often believe that God keeps bringing me to this belief..this faith. The faith that ALL of this….it’s all part of the plan. That this is the “really tough” part I’m going through…right now. Not later.  He continues to remind me that this is the way that I am going to be able to have children. Through this process…..but once it happens…it will be more than I had ever dreamed of. More than I could have ever asked for…

And instead of thinking of all of these failed cycles, delayed cycles, thin lining, surgeries, lost embryos, defeat, sadness and more defeat…

I think…I’ll take it now. I’ll go through it all now so that once I have my children..I’ve already battled the storm of the century.

Now, I know, children are a lot of work…I’m not talking about that but I am talking about what I am feeling now. If you’ve been battling infertility for a while…I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. It’s hard to explain really. It encompasses so much. But I’ll try…..

For me it’s like struggling to breathe for air under water while others are swimming around you with life preservers.

Where’s my life preserver?

Everyone should have a life preserver….why didn’t I get one? I need it…I really do. How much longer can I tread water? I’m strong but gosh…I need a break.

I’ve always had nightmares about tidal waves. I’ve had them all my life and I never understood why.

I think I know why now.

This nightmare called infertility is my tidal wave.

It was unexpected. It’s terrifying. It’s bigger than I ever imagined it. It could destroy me.

But at the end of my nightmare, every time I’ve had it, I’ve survived. I see all of the destruction around me and what I went through but somehow…I survived the tidal wave.

Against all odds. I survived.

And that’s how I feel about infertility.

Against all odds. I’ll survive.

Watch me.

Because if I can survive this nightmare called infertility…you can too.

Step-by-step, day-by-day, side-by-side.

We WILL survive this nightmare….together.