Category: fertility

IVF: What I Never Talked About….

Some things….you keep to yourself…
I wrote about most of my personal infertility experiences here on this blog but some things….I kept hidden….
I’m not one to expose myself…
I’ve been pretty anonymous on here(unless you are on my IG or are the 5 people I’ve actually told about this blog) and I did not open up about my infertility to friends until we were already 6 months along(since my sister was carrying and lived in another state….wasn’t that hard to hide and not talk about until I was ready)….

And speaking of hiding…I hid something that was devastating and I’m about to tell you all about it now….
For some of you, it might not have been a big deal…..and I get it…. but since my career was in television…. this was hard to hide…

It’s called Alopecia Areata

I’m finally writing about it because I thought…what if this happens to someone else and they don’t know what to do? Or where to go, or who to ask?

So here we are….

Long story short, I lost my hair….

If going through all of these infertility treatments wasn’t enough…….

I sat silently as clumps of hair would fall out in the shower…it was devastating to say the least.

At first, I just noticed my hairline getting thinner…..

And I tried to ignore it as nothing….

But then I couldn’t ignore it any longer…

I was losing my hair..
I actually lost most of the hair on the right side of my head(see pic below..this is after it grew back a little too)


Because of infertility….and all of the treatments I put my body through….I developed Alopecia Areata….
For those of you that do not know what that is, it is an autoimmune skin disease that I believe developed due to all of the meds/treatments/stress/anxiety, etc..that I went through to try to have a baby……sure, they say it’s inherited, genetic…but no one in my family has ever had this…4 rounds of IVF and 6 medicated FET’s….10 cycles(!) are most likely the cause in my book…sooo many meds and shots…

And guess what you have to do to try to treat this?

More shots……

but this time…..in your head 🙁 ugh…

Like I didn’t have enough injections in my life…….so for months upon months in 2015 and into 2016…I would get shots of steroids in my head from my dermatologist…

To say I was over needles was an understatement….

But I had to get them…I couldn’t lose all of my hair..I was still trying to work…combing my hair certain ways…not allowing anyone to touch my hair and making excuses when they tried….

It was awful…

But oddly something beautiful was happening at the same time….I was moving towards gestational surrogacy…

And every step we took with my beautiful sister…….

more clumps of hair would fall out…

But I was ok…

And once that pregnancy test was positive, once we saw the heartbeat, once we passed 20 weeks…..

My hair continued to fall out…but there was this blinding light upon my horizon that overshadowed any sadness…..

I was finally going to have a child…

All of the torture I put my body through was finally paying off….

Hair loss and all….

The things some of us do to try to have a baby…

So, if you ever find yourself losing your hair…please know, you are not alone(and most of mine eventually grew back).

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask..

This post is extremely vulnerable…and I only decided to write about it to help someone else….

Someone that might be feeling alone, sad and have no where else to turn…

But I’m here to let you know…you’ll never be alone…I’m here…and I understand..

For more information about Alopecia Areata, please visit: https://www.naaf.org/alopecia-areata




 

 

Nothing is harder……

“Nothing is harder than being a parent”, she said……”Oh, you’ll see”…

It only took me a second…and I wasn’t able to hold my tongue….

“Infertility is harder than being a parent”, I said.

She stared at me…almost personally offended….like I had blamed her for my infertility…….and didn’t say anything else…except, awkwardly…..”Oh well, you know what I mean.” and walked around me and out of the room….

But I thought to myself…….do you know what I mean???

The woman who said that to me actually planned one of her pregnancies so she could be pregnant in September to have a baby before it was too hot outside…..uh uh…..

I still cannot believe that people can actually do that….like, mind blown that some people can…

So obviously, she never struggled to get pregnant, let alone go through everything I went through with not even being able to carry my own child….

Nothing is harder…hmm…

No, my friend, nothing is harder than: Crying every night for years and years to be blessed with a pregnancy..something most don’t even have to think about, to research thousand upon thousands of hours regarding treatment for your infertility, making your first call to a Reproductive Endocrinologist that’s not even covered by insurance, and to then spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on something that is not guaranteed, to be poked and prodded week after week..year after year, sobbing before giving yourself your first injection of medicine, and sobbing after giving yourself your 100th injection as well, believing you would “only” need one cycle of IVF..but 3 IVF’s later and you are still praying, attending baby showers and never knowing if it will ever be your turn, seeing pregnant women every day complaining and only wishing you could have those problems…and, for some, finally becoming pregnant and losing your baby…..losing maybe your only chance at ever becoming a parent……just to name a few….

So, no, being a parent is not “the hardest thing”

Being a parent is a gift. A gift that so many men and women pray for every day….

and so many more take for granted…..

I am speaking for those still battling, still fighting…..and wanting more than anything to walk in your shoes during your hardest day as a parent.

Infertility is harder than being a parent.

I know it is….and that’s something I’ll never ever forget.




 

 

Photo credit to: rmacsyackityyacks.wordpress.com