Category: Fertility Testing

They Will Never Understand

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So, I’ve learned plenty of things living with infertility.

From patience to gratitude to faith to more strength than I ever thought I could possess, to love, to my pain threshold, to grace, to trust, oh…did I mention patience??? Patience? Patience?!!!

And recently, I’ve also learned to just not talk about “IT” to the fertile people in my life. Including my family and some very close friends(the literally 5 people that I’ve told!)

It does make me sad that I feel this way but I’ve tried…oh, how I’ve tried to bring things up…really not trying to make it a big deal…just mentioning appointments/procedures….and what do I get??

These are actual quotes:

“Well, everybody has something don’t they? And this is your thing.” (family member)—yep, just like getting a flat tire on the way to work…same, same.

“You’ve gotten everything in your life that you’ve wanted so maybe this is the one thing you won’t get”(family member)—this one GUT me. I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of her mouth..because I would trade EVERYTHING to be able to have a child….everything.

“You are so lucky that you can afford IVF, there’s no way my husband and I could” (from a friend who just gave birth)–ah, yes, let’s see, if you count using our ENTIRE savings/charging credit cards and moving into a crappy apartment that we rent “being able to afford it” then sure…I guess you are right…how lucky are we.

“At least you have a husband.”(single friend)—Sure, and at least I’m alive too?

“I’m pregnant with another boy.” and then she cried because she wanted a girl. (friend)—I would die for a boy or a girl….way to rub it in…and can I have him?

“You used to look so happy. Now, you are just different. It’s depressing.”(family member)–I’m sorry that MY infertility is depressing YOU…..wow….knife to the heart.

And, I could go on and on….but I’ll stop.

So, I’m shutting my mouth to everyone(unless you read this blog…this is why I am anonymous..no family or friends know about this blog).

From here on out, me, my husband and you ALL (my IF support blessings, thank you) are the only people that will know what’s going on with me and this IF journey. If anyone else asks, even family, I will say…”Everything is great” and leave it at that.

I’m tired of being hurt for trying to be open. I’m tired of no one being able to understand what it’s like to get excited almost every, single month for the past 3 years, only to be let down time and time again. And I’m tired of making excuses and feeling bad for myself around those who know(and feeling bad about them feeling bad about my infertility when they get pregnant…confusing, I know…but I think you get it)

For some reason, me taking control back about not sharing anything regarding this journey to close family and friends helps me….I have no clue why?(any psychologists out there??) but it just does…obviously, it’s a control/guarding my heart emotional thing.

So…..they will just never truly understand.

They will never understand the heartache of hundreds of BFN’s.

They will never understand the emotional battle that you have with your heart, your mind, your soul, your everything, month after month.

They will never understand the hours upon hours looking up “infertility” on the web…from RPL to BBT to beta numbers to injection videos to adoption/surrogacy.

They will never understand scheduling intercourse…oh, the romance.

They will never understand the utter fear of giving yourself your first injection. And then the hundreds there after.

They will never understand the financial toll it puts on your relationship and your entire future.

They will never understand that we will never get to experience the innocence of surprising our husbands with a pregnancy test reveal.

They will never understand that even after seeing those two pink lines…you can’t be happy quite yet because you might have another miscarriage.

They will never understand that after they have their second and third child and continue to complain about them to you…that you would do anything to have those children and those “problems”.

They will never understand that to have a “chance” at having a baby costs more money than you ever dreamed but you have no choice because it is the only dream you’ve ever really had.

They will never understand that feeling you get when you see pregnant women walking down the street…a daily reminder of what you don’t have…even though you are doing everything you can to make it happen.

They will never understand when your RE looks at you and says, “I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know if you can carry a baby full term.”

They will never understand that we are at war……battling against infertility….every…..single…….day.

So, it’s very simple….unless they have been through the throes of infertility….they don’t get it…

And they never will.

FET #5-Lining Update

Here-we-grow

So….just have a quick update. From my last post, some of you know that I’ve started FET #5 trying to grow my lining with Tamoxifen.

I started taking Tamoxifen last Monday, Nov.10,CD3(or what I “thought” was CD3 for me)….well, I guess it wasn’t really CD3…I continued to bleed(sorry TMI) until yesterday!(not normal for me…I usually have very short, light periods). I’m still spotting light brown even now. So my RE thinks that we might have started the Tamox a little early 🙁

As far as the results from my ultrasound, my RE didn’t even measure my lining because he said there was fluid in it and it was too early……BUT because I am a “self-taught” ultrasound tech…umm…I’m pretty sure it looks better than it has at this stage before! Sure, there was fluid(there’s ALWAYS fluid) but at least it looked a little thicker….so…fingers crossed…it KEEPS GROWING 🙂 I also have a couple of follicles growing..I SO wish that I had fallopian tubes to try the “good old fashioned way” to get preggo but..at least my one ovary is still working and will hopefully produce enough estrogen to grow this lining..that’s THE most important thing!

So, I have another appt this Thurs Fri….I will def update you all again then…come on lining…here we grow!! Thank you all for your support! xo