Category: Family

She’s Hurting Because Of Me

If you remember in one of my past posts, I talked about how my angel of a sister offered to be our gestational surrogate. Unfortunately, her uterus did not look good.

Can you believe that?

Not only do I have a shit uterus, so does my sister? I mean, really?? How is this even possible? She’s had two babies, easily, everything should be fine…

But it wasn’t and my RE recommended an operative hysteroscopy.

Her lining was very thick…yes….the exact OPPOSITE of mine. Unbelievable. And it wasn’t just a little thick. It was extremely thick while she was on birth control…which is scary.

So she needed a biopsy to make sure it wasn’t cancer. How sickening.

Back in Sept., they did the biopsy…and let me tell you, I was worried.

But thank God……it wasn’t cancerous.

But she STILL had too thick of lining and some bumps in her uterus. Not a good sign.

Cue heartbreak.

Not only for my hope of being able to finally have a place to put my embryos but for my sweet sister and this new diagnosis.

Her gynecologist wasn’t concerned(since the biopsy came back normal) so she said she really didn’t need it, unless she wanted to have more children. Well, she doesn’t want anymore children, she has two, but I want a child………and for her to possibly carry our child, she needed to have it done. One more, unexpected out-of-pocket expense and one more time being told…..I needed to wait…and keep waiting for my babies.

So a few weeks ago, she had her very first operation, an operative hysteroscopy…..

All because of me.

Yes, she has had two babies before but she has never been put under anesthesia for any type of surgery.

And she didn’t have to……..but she did it for me.

She’s hurting because of me.

I can’t tell you how horrible I feel. I don’t want her to go through ANY of this. I don’t understand why it ALL has to be so hard.

I just want a baby.

Just like most of you reading this.

Something that most people don’t even have to think about “trying” to make happen.

Most people get to have sex to create life. So simple. So fun.

The exact opposite of what we’ve been doing for the past 3 years.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thankful that we live in a time that all of these opportunities exist. I am thankful I was born when I was…in 1977, one year before the very first IVF baby was born.

But my sweet sister? Why after her being able to have 2 children so easily, is now faced with problems?

I can’t help but feel a dark cloud surrounds me and my way to having a baby….and if you get too close to me…you might get sucked in too.

Am I delusional? Probably. Am I exhausted with “finding a way to carry a baby”? Yes. Am I almost at my breaking point? Yes, I think I’m over my breaking point.

But if you’ve been faced with all of these issues…you might just be too.

It is miserable.

Who thinks growing up they would have trouble having a child? Then navigating fertility treatments, and none of that works, then IUIs, then IVF’s, then FET’s, then accepting surrogacy….and all for naught…..

How much can one take?

If you ask me…..more than I could have ever imagined.

I think that’s why we don’t know our “future”.

If I would have seen this “plan” laid out for me years ago….I might have just run away.

It’s all too overwhelming.

And now, my innocent sister is involved.

And it makes me feel that much worse.

But she is my strength in this all.

She smiles for me. She’s positive.

She is my light at this end of this miserable tunnel.

She will save me from myself.

She says it will be all right.

I just hope she is right.

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But She Had An Abortion

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(First, let me start off by saying this will not be a “Pro Life” or “Pro Choice” post. I respect everyone’s personal opinions…and let’s leave it at that.)

There are so many things that I don’t understand in this world. You can only try to learn so much, understand so much and accept so much.

Then there are things that happen that I might never understand.

Let me give you the backstory:

2 friends, 2 years ago, one was in the throes battling infertility(me) and the other was dating and had just signed up for a new dating app, Tinder(N). She would talk to me about all of her dating adventures…honestly, they made me laugh. It was entertaining and she was having fun but I knew she wanted to settle down…actually, she was kind of desperate to settle down. She was 33 and thinking about having a baby….but she still needed to find the right guy.

I, on the other hand, had already found the right guy 🙂 I was married and would tell her stories about trying to have a baby. I had just accepted the fact that my husband and I might not ever have a child without medical intervention and we took the giant leap to go through IVF #1 in November 2013. As many of us know, going through your first IVF cycle…everything is overwhelming. You try to prepare yourself, but the outcome is never known. You can have 30 eggs retrieved and have 0 blastocysts. Or you can have 1 egg retrieved and have 1 blastocyst that becomes your child. We had 5 eggs retrieved. Unfortunately, November 2013 wasn’t our time and, as you all know, I am still struggling to bring our child into this world.

N, continued dating and having fun but no one was really serious. She started dating this one guy but it fizzled after about 2 months. Then I stopped hearing from her. I would text and just get some short answers. Sometimes that happens with friends if they are busy with a work project or something so I wasn’t too concerned.

Until I heard through the grapevine that she was pregnant.

(cue heart break and gut punch)

She got pregnant by the guy she dated on Tinder for 2 months. One of those months….she got pregnant.

But as quickly as she was pregnant….she wasn’t.

She decided to have an abortion.

And it was gone.

The ONE miracle that I pray for everyday, was her nightmare that she prayed against that day.

“How can one person’s only dream be another’s nightmare?”

That is the one question I don’t think anyone can answer.

I was numb. I couldn’t believe it and honestly, still have a hard time thinking about that time in my life. 2 years ago.

But as we all know, as time goes by, you heal. I healed. She healed.

Very soon after, she met a wonderful guy. I knew he was the one for her. And just this past July 2015, they got married. It was a beautiful wedding and love was in the air.

Now we are here, November 2015, 4 months after they got married and she just announced this week, they are pregnant. 3 months along.

And once again, I feel a punch to the gut. Somehow bigger than the first.

And numbness ensues. Not many tears. Just unfeeling numbness.

I then dared to ask the question to God…I tried not to…but I couldn’t control myself.

“Why God, why does she get the blessing of a child when she had an abortion?!”

For a moment, my numbness turns to anger. I’m actually angry at God.

I usually don’t get angry at God, even for my situation.

But this?

It just doesn’t make sense. And I know, many of you will say, well, it doesn’t need to make sense to you. Fair enough. But can’t I still question it??

Like, WHY am I having to live through this? Why does it have to be MY friend that has an abortion and then gets pregnant again the second she wants to??

Will I ever understand?? No, I really don’t think so…and I need to accept that…

But it hurts….it hurts so much that I can’t even explain it.

Hurt after hurt. Disappointment after disappointment. Pregnancy and after pregnancy.

How much can one person take? I’m only human…and I must remember that.

This song gets me…..Human by Christina Perri:

I know you’ve heard it before…but it makes so much sense to me today.

“I can take so much, til I’ve had enough

Cuz, I’m only human.”

I mentioned in my last post how I dislike the way I feel…jealousy, hurt, forgotten.

But I must remind myself…I’m only human. And it’s o.k. to feel that way.

Let’s give ourselves a break today.

Because we are ALL only human.

And let’s not forget that.