Category: Family

Night Before Beta (Gestational Carrier/Surrogate)

surrender

I literally feel sick.

I have no control. There’s absolutely nothing I can do now.

Whatever is meant to happen, has already happened.

And how about really having no control……this is not even happening in my own body.

It’s all happening (or not happening) in my sister’s body. 400 miles away.

Talk about truly having “no control”. At all.

I am so beyond nervous.

Tomorrow is beta day.

The day that could change my life or shatter my dreams.

Wow.

But again, I have no control.

Doubt always rears it’s ugly head.

I guess it’s because nothing regarding trying to have a baby has ever really gone my way.

For all of these years, I have been disappointed.

Why should this be any different?

I am preparing myself….for good news……or bad news….

I hate that I have to do that….but it has been my life….for years.

I’ve given up almost everything for a chance to have this child…..even my own womb.

It all comes down to this….

Beta in less than 24 hrs….and we will know.

FET Transfer (Gestational Carrier/ Surrogate)

praying-hands

I meant to update you all yesterday but I’m still just processing it all.

When we finally decided to go the gestational carrier route (o.k…let’s be real…I didn’t “decide”, it was my only option at this point), I was focused on that….and that alone.

The whole process is exhausting and took almost a year to get in place.

Add in the years I waited to transfer my embryos and the 4 years trying to have a baby and I was just ready. Ready to put my chosen embryo into my sisters healthy uterus.

But this is what happened on FET day:

I didn’t sleep very well the night before. I’m sure many of you have felt that way before a transfer, but when your future depends on transferring your baby embryo into another person, I was even more anxious than I had ever been.

I had mixed emotions.

Was excited? Yes. Was I scared? Yes. Was I worried? Yes.

Was I sad? Yes.

Sad?

Yes, I was sad.

This made it final. I won’t be carrying my child.

And also, terrified…….What if this doesn’t work either?

Unfortunately, all of those things filled my brain the night before. I slept some but I couldn’t help but pray for so many things.

I prayed for my embryo to thaw perfectly and survive.

I prayed for an easy transfer.

I prayed for a positive pregnancy test.

I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and child.

And most importantly, prayed for my sister and her health and well being.

That is it folks.

Everything that I’ve hoped and wished for was happening that day.

So at 9am we made our way to our clinic. Once we arrived, they were running late. Now, if you’ve ever gone through a transfer, you know that you have to drink 1.5 liters of water 1 hr before your transfer. So my sister’s bladder was FULL. If everything would have been on time, transfer was scheduled for 11am. 11am passed, then 11:30, then 11:45 and finally my RE came in the room. And I could read him like a book.

He looked at me and said, “I’m sorry but it didn’t survive.”

Our best, highest graded embryo did not survive the thaw.

Cue the punch to the gut……and tears.

This was the embryo I wrote my letter to. I had the picture of that embryo.

That was the chosen one.

And it was gone.

He then told me that they went ahead and thawed the 2nd best looking embryo but it did not look good either, it survived but it was, cloudy, lost cells, low grade.

Wow….and again, his face said it all. I could see him processing what he told me the other day….these are not the “donor-like” eggs he thought they were…..

So he came in to ask me, my husband and my sister if we wanted to thaw another embryo since it wasn’t looking good.

Tears continued to fall from my eyes. I couldn’t hold it together.

What? Why? How?

All three of these embryos were the highest Grade AA when they were first vitrified in 2014.

I saw them. They did look perfect. For over 2 years frozen, I just knew they were my babies.

How could this happen? Was it lab error? Or are my embryos just “bad” quality?

I couldn’t help but think it was lab error…and I started to get angry. Upset.

But I needed to pull it together. My sister was on the table. With an extremely full bladder at this point.

A decision needed to be made….do we only transfer the one poor embryo or do we thaw another and see if that thaws and transfer two.

I told my sister it’s her decision. She didn’t want to carry twins. That is why we only decided on transferring one at first.

But now? Now that my beautiful AA blasts haven’t thawed properly, what do we do?

My RE, who is a huge promoter of transferring only one embryo at a time, looked at me and then looked at her and said….”I would transfer two so that we have a chance at something.”

A chance at something?

What an unbelievable blow to the gut.

I could barely breathe.

He told us maybe a 15-20% chance of a pregnancy.

So my sister agreed. And that’s what we did.

It was supposed to be such a happy day.

It was supposed to finally be MY day….my day to give my embryos a chance at life.

And then this.

I’m trying to stay positive friends but it’s hard.

I can’t….it’s BEYOND hard.

Everything lies in this. We are all in.

And it’s in His hands.

I have to keep reminding myself that He has a plan. God has a plan for us.

Here’s to believing that my embryos are growing in my sisters uterus. That they are healthy, that they are happy and that we will see them in 9 months.

Nothing ever seems to go easy for me in regards to infertility…and I just need to accept that.

Thank you all for your messages the other day…I’m still trying to process this all and trying to stay hopeful.

Please Lord, if it’s in your will….let this finally, finally be my time.