Category: Family

Not Ready

I’m way behind so I’ll try to catch you all up…..
Last week, I drove over 13 hrs to my sisters’ house. By myself….well, and my 3 dogs ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m staying with her until baby boy gets here and I’ve got to say…I’m having some weird feelings. I left my husband and I realized that the next time I am in our home…it will be the 3 of us and our 3 dogs. Wow.

And I got scared.

All of a sudden, I don’t feel ready.

I know that must sound so weird to most of you. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that this is all I’ve wanted and dreamed of my whole life….so I should be more than ready….right??

But that PTID(post traumatic infertility disorder)ย that I’ve talked about sneaks in and I doubt myself as a mother. For almost 5 years, I have been preparing to be a mother but all of a sudden, I feel I’m “not ready”….just not yet.

Baby boy could come at any time now. My sister had her last baby at 36 weeks…and we are past that….

And I’m terrified.

I don’t think I have everything. My husband will need to fly here last minute, because of his job, and I am so scared he will miss the birth of our son. I’m worried for my sister. I don’t want anything to go wrong. I could go on and on……

The more I think about it, I guess these are pretty normal feelings that I should have but I didn’t expect any of them. Especially the “not ready” part….I should be ready after all I have been through…right??

Really, I only expected to feel pure JOY……but there are still those “what if’s”….and until he’s in my arms I think I will continue to feel this way….

Again, he’s not even growing inside of me…that might make me feel a little different if I had a bump or I could feel him kick….maybe that would make me feel more “prepared”? Who knows……..

Oh, this route to parenthood is not an easy one….

but it IS one….and it is MY way…

and I need to embrace it all…

So for now, I will embrace these feelings…..

And in all reality……I know I am ready….

I mean…he is on his way……..could be days, could be weeks…but he will be here and I will be a Mom…

Finally………I am actually going to be someone’s Mom ๐Ÿ™‚

 




Night Before Beta (Gestational Carrier/Surrogate)

surrender

I literally feel sick.

I have no control. There’s absolutely nothing I can do now.

Whatever is meant to happen, has already happened.

And how about really having no control……this is not even happening in my own body.

It’s all happening (or not happening) in my sister’s body. 400 miles away.

Talk about truly having “no control”. At all.

I am so beyond nervous.

Tomorrow is beta day.

The day that could change my life or shatter my dreams.

Wow.

But again, I have no control.

Doubt always rears it’s ugly head.

I guess it’s because nothing regarding trying to have a baby has ever really gone my way.

For all of these years, I have been disappointed.

Why should this be any different?

I am preparing myself….for good news……or bad news….

I hate that I have to do that….but it has been my life….for years.

I’ve given up almost everything for a chance to have this child…..even my own womb.

It all comes down to this….

Beta in less than 24 hrs….and we will know.