Every day we celebrate it throughout the world.
Whether giving birth or celebrating the anniversaries of birth…”birth”days.
And yesterday happened to be my day.
I guess, for me, because it has been so hard for me to get pregnant and bring someone into this world on their “birth”day….I appreciate it that much more. I am so very thankful that it all fell into place for me to be here but it doesn’t come without some forethought as well.
Here I am. I turned 38 yesterday. Not 28…..38.
I honestly, cannot believe I am still here trying to have a child. Not my second or my third. My very first child. Tears start forming in my eyes as I type this…but it is so true. I never, ever imagined being here, childless, helpless, confused and getting older by the minute. I’ve recently read some other bloggers sad that they are turning 29 or 30 and how depressed they are that their fertility is slipping away from them…wow…
So where does that leave me? I’m pushing 40 folks and I have no control over it. I’ve tried to control it. I tried having a baby literally the second I got married…at 34….almost 4 years ago. I thought I was safe. I thought I would be like everyone else and get pregnant when I wanted to. And then it didn’t happen. And not only did it not happen when I wanted it to…I don’t know if it will ever happen. According to my Dr.’s, it won’t ever happen…and if it miraculously happens, I would be at risk, the baby would be at risk and all the joy and utter excitement of having a child would be taken from me…just as it has been these past 4 years.
So am I in a lose, lose situation?
I tried swallowing that hard fact that I may never be able to carry my child. A hard acceptance as it is, moving onto using a gestational carrier. I was blessed beyond words to have my wonderful sister offer to carry for us…more than many have as an option. And once again, I was faced with the sobering news of disappointment…her uterus did not look normal on the ultrasound or sonohystogram and she would need to have an operative hysteroscopy. She won’t be able to carry for us at this time.
Talk about gutted. Shot down once again.
I feel boxed in a corner. I feel helpless. I feel anxious. I feel like I’m being punished for something I did. I also feel….
I’ll admit it…I am jealous. I hate that I feel this way….and I’ve always tried to live my life to be thankful for what I have and not covet what others have.
I’m jealous of so much these days. I’m even jealous of other infertile women because they: have 2 ovaries, because they actually have tubes and can try “naturally”, a normal lining thickness, because they are 28, because they only had to go through 1 IVF cycle…how sick is that?? I’m jealous of women who “only” had to go through 1 IVF cycle…even “only” 2 IVF cycles….insane.
Is that what it’s come to? Me being jealous of what others see as their “nightmare”..having to go through IVF?
Why does it all have to be SO hard…I just don’t get it. I’ve tried to understand it. I’ve tried to follow the signs. I’ve tried to listen to the Dr.’s. I’ve then ignored the Dr.’s.
I’ve prayed…and I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed.
And I’m still here. With eyes of jealousy….that I truly despise.
I don’t like myself right now. My jealous, 38 year old self.
I apologize for the whining….and on my birthday…lovely.
But I don’t hold it back from you all…I never have and I never will…this is the unedited truth and it needs to be told too.
Every infertility hardship doesn’t always end in ultrasound printouts, cute baby bump pics and clever birth announcements.
That needs to be said.
It needs to be said for other women like me, struggling to simply walk outside fearing a run-in with a pregnant women, or dodging numerous baby strollers on my way to work or just logging onto Facebook.
This post is for other women, turning another year older, sitting at your computer or on your phone reading this, wondering if your dream of having a child is simply just that….only a dream and questioning if you will ever see that child’s face you’ve pictured in your head as your own.
So, this birthday wish is for us all.
I’ll wish for what I do every year because I can dream that one day it will all come true.
That I’ll be holding my child in my arms on my next birthday.
I’ve wished for that every…single…..year these past 4 years.
I thought…, 2012 is the year, then definitely by 2013. Then it turned to 2014. Then 2015…now it’s 2016.
So, I’m 38 and it will be 2016…and I am wishing, once again for that dream to come true.
I pray that I get pregnant and deliver my healthy child in 2016
Please Lord, hear my prayer.
Blowing out my candles, that’s my only wish….To have my child in my arms next year at this time.
So simple for most…yet unbearably complex for a few.
That’s all I want though.
And every birthday, I will continue to make that same wish…
Until it comes true.
Here’s to 38 and wishes finally coming true.
(and a champagne cheers to you all..because we can…xo)