Category: Faith

An Open Thank You Letter To My Infertility

Dear Infertility,

Well, here we are. We’ve known each other for what 5, 6 years? To be completely honest, when we first met, I didn’t want any part of you. I didn’t know how you found me, where you found me and why you wouldn’t go away. You stalked me. I would ask you kindly to leave me alone…all those years…I asked you to please just go away.

But you didn’t.

I tried everything to lose you. I went to numerous doctors. I had every surgery possible. I did IVF cycle after IVF cycle….then FET cycle after FET cycle…..and you wouldn’t let me “win”.
I saw others beating you….year after year…I saw new bloggers struggling with you…and then on their 2nd IUI they got pregnant….or on their 1st IVF cycle pregnant….or even 3rd, 4th or 5th IVF cycle pregnant…but most of them “beat” you.

But me….you wouldn’t let me win….
So I was forced to look at other options…..all because of you…
You’re probably wondering why this is even a “thank you” letter at all…
Well…you see….I may not have “beaten” you infertility….but I found a way around you…and because of you, I am staring at my beautiful son.
That is why I thank you.

I thank you because every single second of every single day I appreciate my son.
I am a better mother because of you
When he cries…I smile because he is alive…
When he wakes me 3 times a night to feed…I get up because I am finally a mother..
And when he smiles…my heart explodes with a love I never even knew existed..
So that is why I thank you…

I thank you because of this little boy….the exact month for egg retrieval….and exact egg and exact sperm that was needed to create him was because of YOU….
Think about that for a moment….
If I was able to get pregnant easily….this little boy would not be here…a different child would…
It took you, infertility, to force us to create him…
And so I thank you…

I only wish that during those dark times…so many years….when I thought you were working against me…I could see…that you had my best interest in mind…
God knew what he was doing when he introduced you to me…
Wow…
Did I actually just say that?
Yes….I am thankful for infertility and for God giving you to me…
This little boy that I am staring at as I type…is the reason for this letter..
I understand now…I understand it all…and it finally all makes sense…
He would not be here without God and my infertility…
So thank you God…and nice knowing you infertility…
I guess we can be friends after all….

Night Before Beta (Gestational Carrier/Surrogate)

surrender

I literally feel sick.

I have no control. There’s absolutely nothing I can do now.

Whatever is meant to happen, has already happened.

And how about really having no control……this is not even happening in my own body.

It’s all happening (or not happening) in my sister’s body. 400 miles away.

Talk about truly having “no control”. At all.

I am so beyond nervous.

Tomorrow is beta day.

The day that could change my life or shatter my dreams.

Wow.

But again, I have no control.

Doubt always rears it’s ugly head.

I guess it’s because nothing regarding trying to have a baby has ever really gone my way.

For all of these years, I have been disappointed.

Why should this be any different?

I am preparing myself….for good news……or bad news….

I hate that I have to do that….but it has been my life….for years.

I’ve given up almost everything for a chance to have this child…..even my own womb.

It all comes down to this….

Beta in less than 24 hrs….and we will know.