Category: Best Friends

She’s Hurting Because Of Me

If you remember in one of my past posts, I talked about how my angel of a sister offered to be our gestational surrogate. Unfortunately, her uterus did not look good.

Can you believe that?

Not only do I have a shit uterus, so does my sister? I mean, really?? How is this even possible? She’s had two babies, easily, everything should be fine…

But it wasn’t and my RE recommended an operative hysteroscopy.

Her lining was very thick…yes….the exact OPPOSITE of mine. Unbelievable. And it wasn’t just a little thick. It was extremely thick while she was on birth control…which is scary.

So she needed a biopsy to make sure it wasn’t cancer. How sickening.

Back in Sept., they did the biopsy…and let me tell you, I was worried.

But thank God……it wasn’t cancerous.

But she STILL had too thick of lining and some bumps in her uterus. Not a good sign.

Cue heartbreak.

Not only for my hope of being able to finally have a place to put my embryos but for my sweet sister and this new diagnosis.

Her gynecologist wasn’t concerned(since the biopsy came back normal) so she said she really didn’t need it, unless she wanted to have more children. Well, she doesn’t want anymore children, she has two, but I want a child………and for her to possibly carry our child, she needed to have it done. One more, unexpected out-of-pocket expense and one more time being told…..I needed to wait…and keep waiting for my babies.

So a few weeks ago, she had her very first operation, an operative hysteroscopy…..

All because of me.

Yes, she has had two babies before but she has never been put under anesthesia for any type of surgery.

And she didn’t have to……..but she did it for me.

She’s hurting because of me.

I can’t tell you how horrible I feel. I don’t want her to go through ANY of this. I don’t understand why it ALL has to be so hard.

I just want a baby.

Just like most of you reading this.

Something that most people don’t even have to think about “trying” to make happen.

Most people get to have sex to create life. So simple. So fun.

The exact opposite of what we’ve been doing for the past 3 years.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thankful that we live in a time that all of these opportunities exist. I am thankful I was born when I was…in 1977, one year before the very first IVF baby was born.

But my sweet sister? Why after her being able to have 2 children so easily, is now faced with problems?

I can’t help but feel a dark cloud surrounds me and my way to having a baby….and if you get too close to me…you might get sucked in too.

Am I delusional?┬áProbably. Am I exhausted with “finding a way to carry a baby”? Yes. Am I almost at my breaking point? Yes, I think I’m over my breaking point.

But if you’ve been faced with all of these issues…you might just be too.

It is miserable.

Who thinks growing up they would have trouble having a child? Then navigating fertility treatments, and none of that works, then IUIs, then IVF’s, then FET’s, then accepting surrogacy….and all for naught…..

How much can one take?

If you ask me…..more than I could have ever imagined.

I think that’s why we don’t know our “future”.

If I would have seen this “plan” laid out for me years ago….I might have just run away.

It’s all too overwhelming.

And now, my innocent sister is involved.

And it makes me feel that much worse.

But she is my strength in this all.

She smiles for me. She’s positive.

She is my light at this end of this miserable tunnel.

She will save me from myself.

She says it will be all right.

I just hope she is right.

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Failed IVF. It Still Hurts.

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Yep, it still hurts.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially…just hurts.

Not to mention that those progesterone shots…they left big bruises and STILL really hurt. Just another reminder of something that is not.

I’ll admit it friends. I have fallen into a deep, dark hole of helplessness.

After 9 cycles (3 IVF, 6 FET)…I just don’t know what else to do. I wish that I could just try the good old fashioned way…oh gosh, how I wish. I mean even if there was a <1% chance I would give it all I’ve got. But unfortunately, I have no tubes…and therefore there is no way for sperm to meet my egg….and only one ovary to boot so I am left with IVF. IVF is the only way that I am able to have a child.

And IVF has failed me.

My body has failed me. My uterus is useless. My eggs are now extremely diminished.

That’s what my RE said after I asked about what happened this cycle. My eggs were of poor quality, cloudy and that’s why I didn’t have anything to transfer or freeze.

Wow.

So now what? I don’t know but I’ve gotta get out of this dark hole.

And so I must switch it up and talk about my wonderful husband…let’s call him Bubs.

Bubs is just unbelievable. He is my light and my air. He is my reason…just my reason for it all.

When this happened last week, I was obviously upset and overwhelmed. He though, on the other hand, was calm, comforting and…oddly positive? I didn’t understand how he was o.k. with everything that happened. We had just spent thousands upon thousands more dollars for nothing…I mean NOTHING. What did we get out of this cycle? More hurt, pain, confusion, defeat??

But he saw it as one step closer.

Closer to what? I don’t know. But he just kept saying, “We will get there, I see the light.”

So that stuck with me…”We will get there, I see the light.”

And then, the night of my BFN results…I was listening to Pandora….and Sara Bareilles came on…this song, The Light:

This song was for me…at this moment….it was unreal…

“And if you say we’ll be alright
I’m gonna trust you, babe
I’m gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we’ll be alright
I’ll follow you into the light”

He’s right.

And this song is just so true.

We’ll be alright. And I’m gonna trust in faith. That we will be alright.

I’ll see the light one day…and thanks to my Bubs…I know I will see it…with him by my side….

We will see the light. Or be the light.

And some day we will be alright.