Depression has a stigma.

I remember growing up and thinking, people who are “depressed” are homeless, jobless, have no family…truly have nothing. And I also remember thinking, I could never be depressed. I didn’t understand how people could be depressed when they have a “good” or even seemingly “great” life??

And then infertility……

It literally felt like a punch to the gut. Something so unexpected. But also, something I thought I might be able to control. So, being the “non-depressed” person I felt I was…I cried for a day…put on my “bring it” attitude and fully dove into IVF…knowing that I would “beat infertility”….I mean eventually right?

Thinking I would be like the 70-80% of women that are successful after 3 full IVF cycles.

Or the 99.4% of women able to carry a baby….

Silly me…….

So depression knocked on my door…I didn’t open it…didn’t want to believe that I could fall into depression….didn’t want to believe it was there….

But it was there…whether I opened the door or not……

During those 5 years of failure…..some days….I would barely move. I mean, if I didn’t have to work, I would go straight to the couch and stare at the TV, mundanely watching the mess of reality tv. One day, I remember looking at the clock at 9am and not moving from the exact spot until 6pm……

Depression. I was depressed.

But see, I didn’t recognize it until now. And honestly, the only reason why I am even recognizing it now…is because I feel it creeping back in. Tears fall as I write this because there is not a big enough reason for me to feel this way…at least that’s what I try to tell myself…

But honestly, I feel myself getting “weaker” continuing to fight to either become pregnant myself(by some glorious miracle) or finding another gestational carrier. I think having my friend (who volunteered to be my gestational surrogate), having her lining not grow past 5mm…for over a year….just like mine…put me over the edge. Being forced to close another chapter in this complicated “Life with Infertility and Beyond” book of mine….

So what do I do?

I don’t know. I know, I should probably just appreciate this beautiful, messy life I’ve been given and move on. And I do appreciate it….

But I have embryos. That’s why I can’t quite let go.

They have nowhere to go…and it saddens me deeply.

So, here I am….on the brink of depression again……and finally able to recognize it.

(Insert self-care)

And that’s what I need to do…Self-care…..focus on the good…and only the good. Stop comparing. Stop wanting more. Stop trying to change what I cannot control.

Whatever will be…..will be….

I know I’ll be o.k….but I just wanted to share if others had these feelings.

It’s normal.

According to the World Health Organization, over 300 million people around the world struggle with depression.

300 million people. You are not alone….if you ever feel this way….

So take a deep breathe….and let it out…..(repeat………..repeat)

The sun always rises….and so will we my friends……so….will…we….


2 Comments on Recognizing Depression, After Depression

  1. I have been reading your blogs since we’ve been going through our fertility struggles and your words always resonate with me, but this post really hit home. Although our struggles are different the feelings seem to be all too similar, it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of dispair. I too never thought I could be depressed, I just never let things get to me, until infertility knocked on our door and it has made me a different person, and not in a good way. It’s hard to keep that happy face on all the time— it cracks easily! As I was reading this I thought ‘I would be her surrogate in a heart beat’ (even though I’m probably not a good candidate and we don’t know each other…) I just know the pain you have endured and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!

    Some days are better than others and hope does creep in from time to time and I try to hold onto those moments because they are fleeting! Miracles do happens everyday and I tell myself that, whether it’s delusional or not, it does help! Just know that your posts are making a difference and helping some of us realize we’re not alone!

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