“And something in me says…stop…don’t do that….but I can’t…and the hope that it still might happen leaves me hungry when I have already eaten enough.” —my mind

I revisit this often….

The life I thought I was meant to live…..

I’m sure many of us do, but I daydream about it. What could have been?

Now, I really love my life. I’ve certainly had struggles…but we all do and I’m actually thankful for many of them. They have made my life what it is today.

But…there’s always that “but” in my head…….

There are times when I see someone else achieving goals that I THOUGHT I would be achieving….and the jealous monster comes out…I think, “That was supposed to be me too.”




For example, my career as a journalist. There are times, when I think, one decision might have changed the outcome of my life. I went to college with a, now, fairly well-known broadcast journalist. At the end of college I was offered two jobs, one that would require travel and one that stayed in the area. I chose the job that required travel….and she was then offered the local job, which in turn lead her to a regional job and then national…and now she is all over the place on t.v. I mean, she is banking, my friends. Yep. Now, it is kind of silly of me to believe that, that ONE decision was the reason I was not as successful…but it obviously still stings and is in the back of my mind when I see her.

The life I “thought” I was supposed to live….

And in more ways than one.

Like having the family I “thought” I would have…Obviously I assumed I would be able to get pregnant and have a baby…or 3, as I imagined. That’s what I thought my life was supposed to include, 3 children. I dreamed about that for as long as I can remember. I didn’t even think that it might not happen…I knew that being a Mom was going to be a part of my life. And after many years, and by the grace of God, I am finally a Mom. It took a lot longer than expected, it definitely didn’t happen the way I thought it was supposed to…but I am thankful it did…beyond thankful every piece of the puzzle fell into place. But what about those two other children I always thought would be in my life? Do I just forget about that life I “thought” I was supposed to live?

But…..

If my life did turn out the way I “thought” (different career choices, married younger, pregnant easily) it would be completely different….and I most likely wouldn’t have everything I have now…..hmmmmm…

It’s tricky, isn’t it?

So why can’t I just forget about this “fake life” I had dreamed of?

Why can’t I let go of this “being pregnant” dream of mine?

I don’t know, I’ll admit it…I do see others, with my issues, and they still seem to make their dream come true.

Even the first two women I got advice from about having to use a gestational surrogate eventually got pregnant and delivered healthy babies. Yes….both of them, after they had to use a surrogate for their first children, got pregnant after. I was shocked but so, so happy for them…I mean…thrilled really because it gave me hope! But, will it happen for me too? I want it so bad…but do I just “keep trying?” Do I keep this “dream” alive because I see it happening for others and I believe it “should” happen for me too?

Just tough.

Or do I just say…”it’s enough”….my life is enough. I am happy. Stop torturing yourself with the “what if’s”….Be grateful for ALL that you have!

I know it is enough. I am enough. My family is enough.

But it’s a slow turn. I’ll be honest, I’m still not there yet. Not sure when I’ll be…but I’m trying.

Every day I wake up thankful for my life. It’s mine and not anyone else’s.

So why do I compare it to others?

Do any of you do this too?? Compare your life to others?

Or is this the life you thought you would be living today?

Would love to hear from you all….

 




14 Comments on The Life You Always Thought

  1. You know, I am not the type to dream it all out… Detail-by-detail…. And yes, it’s not the life I thought I would have. Yet it’s so much more than I could’ve dreamt up!

    We’re still waiting for our precious babies to come!

    So I hold onto the dreams that I didn’t really think out clearly, yet they are still there.

    • You are right Sarah! Such a wonderful mindset! Knowing that your babies are on their way is the way to believe. I’m believing it will happen sooner than later for you all too!!! xoxo

  2. I don’t think it’s quite what I had imagined but parts of it are what I expected. My dream of being a mother came true. It didn’t happen the way I thought it would but that I would not change.

    • Totally agree too Rachel. I guess it can’t turn out exactly as we imagined all the time…and honestly, I wouldn’t change it either now..sometimes thoughts get in my head and I have to “talk” it out on this blog…thanks and hope all is wonderful with you! xo

  3. I have followed your blog for quite some time, but this is the first time I have chimed in…hope that’s ok:). We experienced IF for 6 years (including a futile 2 year adoption wait) and finally have the beautiful gift of our daughter through Donor Egg (DE) IVF. Other DE mamas I follow say they don’t even think about the fact that their children do not possess their genes. I think of it often. It doesn’t diminish my love for her, but I am still learning to make my peace with that fact. Also I am 39 so I will not get pregnant without intervention and adoption does not seem to be in the cards for us. Between the DE IVF and (to this point useless) adoption expenses we cannot afford any other options. I am struggling to let go of the dream of giving our daughter a sibling. I can’t imagine her growing up alone, but that may just have to be the way it is. It is a daily struggle for me to give these things over to the Lord. But what fun would life be if it was easy? I don’t think I would recognize it:). I share all this to let you know that you are not alone and pray that we both find the peace for which we are searching.

    • Thank you so much for chiming in Beth…and you are ALWAYS welcome! I definitely understand where you are coming from(different scenario…but to an extent). I remember when my sister(gestational carrier) was finally pregnant with our baby, people didn’t understand why I couldn’t just “get over” not being pregnant…and that “pregnancy is awful anyways so you are lucky”…those are some of the comments which just made me sad. I felt like I was invisible during the entire pregnancy. Obviously, it still hurts and I’m in the same boat as you….how to give our little ones a sibling? It’s all so complicated and expensive. I’m joining in prayer with you that we find our peace. Thank you again for chiming in 🙂 xoxo

  4. I 100% compare myself to others too. Since losing my son, I struggle with why others get to have healthy babies and my son was stillborn. You are human and comparison is just something we all do. ❤️

    • Amy…just letting you know I am thinking of you all today…especially your beautiful baby boy Asher Ray….I cannot imagine what you both are feeling today and I feel ashamed to have even written a post like this….I was weak and your strength outshines mine by 1,000%. In tears right now thinking of you all #HappyBirthdayAsherRay

  5. The day after our wedding we ‘decided’ we would like 3 kids instead of just 2. And now I’m thrilled to have 1 and I thought I was okay with that for a bit, but lately I too have been thinking about the life I thought I would have. But even the things I thought ‘went to plan’ are different than I thought. I have the career I thought I would have, and I’m not sure I love it. I am living in the city I always wanted to, but the community isn’t the way I thought it would be (thought I am still glad we live here). Maybe the life we ‘thought we would have’ wouldn’t have been all we expected anyway. This isn’t the life I expected to have, but it is the one I am supposed to have.

    But it doesn’t always stop the ‘what ifs’. Because they do happen still.

    • Exactly…I know…sometimes I just have moments of weakness that get to me. This was certainly a moment of weakness. And you are right…even what we “think” is right…isn’t always what we expected. Hope all else is wonderful with you all 🙂 xoxo

  6. You’ve done it again–written absolutely inspirational words so fluidly. That is talent. This “What If” topic definitely resonates.

    My “What If” is a combination of my IF journey and marriage. In the beginning–and I mean the 1st date–my husband and I talked about having a family. I even drew composites of what I’m children looked like when things got serious (Ok that’s a white lie–b/c it happened with in months lol).

    So, after being married and having no birth control from the get go, we assumed it would just happen for us. We were flexible and both put our careers firsts fumbling through other parts of our lives. Then, 2 years after marriage I began to have horrible subcutaneous, unexplained hives. Turns out, after taking tests an allergist asked a litany of questions and was the first physician to speculate, “hmmm, if it’s been two years and you have had unprotected sex all along and no baby, something’s wrong.”

    Low and behold, shortly afterward I was diagnosed with Stage IV Endometriosis. After an aggressive year of surgeries and hormones and egg retrievals I was on a medicated cycle for implantation when my husband had a change of heart.

    Now, I am faced with the possibility that he may have never wanted children all along, but I irrevocably, in my bones do. I certainly never dreamed I would be living a life where the person I married who allegedly had the same goals now seems ambivalent if not opposed to having a family. What do you do with that?

    I feel completely betrayed. I realize he and I never predicted that the way we would need to make a family would be via ART but here we are and I feel I am alone. We’re together. He could be happy without a family. Me, no friggin’ way. I never thought it would turn out like this.

    So, I’m working on freezing my eggs and afterwards may have to get divorced and that will be my plan B. Going it alone on my IF journey. Sorry for the length. Thank you for this forum. And please, please continue to provide it.

    • Lilith…you are always so kind 🙂 Thank you for the sweet words….And as far as what you wrote about your marriage and children..wow. How could he have that strong of a change of heart? I would certainly feel betrayed as well. And I applaud you for taking steps to preserve your fertility. I always say….you know in your gut. Go with your gut. Please keep me updated on what happens…I’ll be thinking of you and praying for some sort of peace with it all my friend….xoxo

  7. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my life is that you have to give up the illusion of control. Everyone’s life is complex — there are too many variables to control all of them. Make the best decisions you can, take active steps to try to achieve what you believe you want and be as pleased as you can be with the result. So much of life is out of your control — figure out a way to live with that and be grateful for what you have.

    • Yes Michelle….that illusion of control…very tricky. Appreciate the reminder. As I mentioned above, I certainly had a moment of weakness when writing this post…comparing lives is just so toxic. Definitely grateful for everything I have…thanks again for your comment… xoxo

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