June 2015- I was thinking about giving up on my body after years of disappointment.

August 2015-I gave up on my body and started the process of gestational surrogacy.

I had to give up. I gave up on my body. Others give up on their genetics(donor eggs/sperm donor). Others give up on both their body and their genetics(foster/adoption). And others are simply forced to give up all together. And when enough is enough, it is a very personal decision. You know when you are done. And anyone that wants to judge you for your decision has obviously never walked in your shoes.

You see because this really isn’t even a decision that is ours to make now, is it?

We have been diagnosed with infertility…it is a disease. Period. We did not choose this part of our life.

While I was going through it all. I would question…”why me?” A LOT.

And I was lost for so many years. I just kept trying different treatments, vitamins, injections, surgeries, etc…all in an attempt to grow my lining to carry my child.

But nope. Wasn’t happening.

So I gave up.

And now, after it all…I have a one year old little boy.

So many people tell me….”See, you never gave up!” And I have to correct them…that I DID give up. If I wouldn’t have given up, most likely this little boy would not be here….

And for that I say….sometimes, you have to give up.

Giving up is not an easy thing to do. You lose a part of yourself by giving up.

You lose the life you THOUGHT you were supposed to live…..

And that is such a hard pill to swallow.

Social media doesn’t help…as everyone posts their “best” selves….and their “perfect” lives…

But no one is perfect…and behind those gorgeous, filtered, perfectly posed pictures is heartache of some sort..

Infertility is a special kind of heartache that most cannot see by simply looking at you…

So when you “give up”, many don’t get it….

And most won’t ever get it….

Because, once again, this “choice”…it’s not that at all…..just like those “perfect” social media pictures…

So when someone gives up…instead of asking “why”, or “why don’t you try this”, or “why didn’t you try that”

How about saying, “I have no idea how you are feeling but just know that I’m here for you.”

Giving up is one of the strongest decisions you are forced to make…..

And the ones who have given up are some of the strongest men and women I know.




 

8 Comments on Giving Up = Strength

  1. Hello from Finland, Europe! I have been reading your blog for a long time, but I haven’t commented anything before.

    Thank you for this post especially. Your thoughts are very similar compared to mine. I tried to get pregnant for over 4 years, went through infertility treatments and everything failed. After all this it was difficult to explain to people and even to myself that it is OK to give up. Now, after we decided to give up IVF treatments a year ago, we are in the process to adopt internationally. The decision to give up was the right one, even though we still have to wait. The process is very long.

    It has been interesting to follow your story, I’m glad you now have your baby 🙂 Surrogacy is not allowed in Finland and wouldn’t have been the solution for our situation. I wish you and your family all the best! 🙂

  2. What a lovely post!! As I sit here 39 weeks pregnant with our donor egg baby this rings absolutely true. I know that I am very blessed to be able to carry the child, and even through the extreme morning sickness and root canal surgery caused by pregnancy I have always felt incredibly luck to be where I am. When people make reference to who the baby will look like I do have a sense of loss, and know that I always will have this, but as you say, this journey and decision has made me stronger and I am more than willing to put up with this to to experience the joys that are waiting for us. XXX

  3. Hi, I just randomly ran across your blog (likely bc i’ve been intensely searching the internet for information about thin linings) and this just hit home. We’ve been on the IVF journey for 2 1/2 years and I have finally reached the point where I have given up. Everything you stated above is so true and brought me to tears. I have been lucky enough to experience pregnancy with twin boys despite having a thin lining but never got to bring them home. It seems as if infertility wasn’t enough for us, so we were also given an incompetent cervix to deal with so lost our sweet boys at 22 weeks gestation.. We have continued down the IVF journey thinking it would work again but sadly it hasn’t and it’s been 1 1/2 years since we lost our boys. Like you, I too, have been offered a gift beyond belief. My sister has offered to be our gestational carrier. We have one more appointment (which happens to be tomorrow) to see how my lining looks before we officially cancel this cycle and move forward with my sister. Mentally, I am already there, but just humoring my RE at this point. He knows I’m done, but for some reason is having a hard time letting us move forward. I think he wants to personally see us “win the battle” ourselves bc of everything we’ve been through, but what he doesn’t understand is my husband and I will feel like we’ve won when we get to bring a healthy child home regardless of how it actually happens. Much love to you and thank you for your inspiration. I believe running into your blog tonight was truly fate.

  4. You’ve done it again–managed to articulate spectacularly a phenomenon unique to our community. I know all to well about giving up. I know from you perspective you gave up but in my eyes you persevered. You had the strength to let go of one avenue in pursuit of another to realize your dream. I find you so inspirational. Thank you for reminding me that we have no control over infertility. We can choose to combat it but in the end triumph may not look the way we expect. At the onset of my journey I knew I had to come to terms with the fact I may exit with no baby. So I hoped and prayed that if that were the outcome I would be okay. I have no baby but I am okay. I still have time and options but for now I feel continue to let go. Do I still mourn, yes? Do I have bouts of depression? Absolutely. But the are fleeting and decrease in frequency with the passage of time. I believe I get to a place where I not only accept my circumstances but will actually be relieved things turned out this way. Thank you for continue to write, it really means alot.

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