Yes, I’m going there…..

You see….I cannot stress enough how it BLOWS MY MIND(cue blood pressure rise) the way some people react when I introduce my son.

It usually goes something like this…

Me: “Hi (family member, friend, co-worker, associate, etc..) this is my new baby W.”

Friend: “Awww, he’s so cute! So, are you guys going to have another?”

Me(inside DYING, ANGRY, FLUSTERED, SAD, SHOCKED)…”Um…well, it took us 5 yrs to have him, he’s only 9 months old and we will need someone to carry another baby if we have one so….I don’t know……..it’s not that easy for us.”

And that usually catches them off guard and then they don’t know what to say next…….

Honestly…what in the heck?!?!?

And this hasn’t been a “one-time” thing…..

No, no, no…this happens almost weekly…

Which brings me to the question….WHY ISN’T ONE ENOUGH??!!

Where in our society does it state that you should have at least 2 children for you to be a complete family(or ANY children at all for that matter?)

This only hurts our infertility community more…putting pressure on us…

Now, I know I am in a unique situation. Not only did I have to go through multiple surgeries, rounds of IVF, failed FET’s, etc… but I also could not carry my son….so you would think other people, who know our story, would be extra sensitive….

Ummm…….nope.

It’s almost like they forgot what we went through…..and unfortunately, I can’t do that..I live with it every…single…day.

After battling infertility, having to use a gestational carrier to bring our child into this world and him being mere months old, you would think we would be able to simply celebrate him with family and friends without any hesitation or remarks reminding me of my barrenness.

Wow..

And to some…maybe I am overreacting….maybe others would not feel this way….

But, I know I don’t have to remind you all (the ones who actually read my blog get it) I can’t just decide that I want go through another IVF cycle and transfer an embryo to my womb…and then boom…here comes baby #2….

Not that easy(and..hello…that’s not easy at all anyways!!!!!)

So, we have one child. And we are THRILLED beyond measure with him.

Can’t I be happy for once? And not be reminded of what I “don’t” have?

It reminds me of this story of when I was still battling and in the throes of infertility, one of my good friends was trying to have a 3rd baby (she has two precious, healthy boys…but she wanted a third…and of course she wanted a girl). One day, she said, “I am just so depressed. I want to be pregnant again. I can’t handle my life right now.” (me inside..DYING..OMG..I don’t have ANY kids…me… who had been trying to have ONE baby for over 4 years!!) But I pulled myself together and with grace said, “Stop, you have two beautiful, healthy boys…all is good.” And she said, “Well, I want to have about 4 kids so all is not good, you just don’t get it.”

And wow…….no, I didn’t get it….because I remember thinking how I would have died to have just one of her sons. I remember thinking how I would love to have 4 kids too…but I don’t know if that would ever happen for me…so one…sure, one would be great….and she already had two….and she was still depressed because she wanted three or four.

Perspective.

I’ve written about it before…but again…It reminds me of this quote I won’t ever forget…..

I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now….

And it’s as simple as that….

Do you remember things you used to pray about that you have now?

Write them down today…or look them in their eyes….and remember how very far you have come my friend…

And if you are still praying for some of those things…keep going…listen to your gut…make decisions…believe…

I’ll be here for you and cannot wait until those prayers are finally answered too…

Oh…and just for future reference….the only time I want you asking me if I’ll have another….is of another glass of champagne…and to that, my answer is YES…a huge, nodding my head, glass out, ready for pour #2…YES!

Cheers loves and have a beautiful Monday….




17 Comments on “Are You Going To Have Another?”

  1. People asked me this WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH TWINS. It boggles the mind and speaks to the naïveté of privilege, which I think is what you’re getting at here. My response was generally, ‘Well I’m still throwing up every night and it’s a labor to put my shoes on, so I think I’m going to focus on squeezing these two out first!’

  2. It is rough. I also am infertile and did a foster adoption. So blessed and grateful to have my daughter, and we finalized the adoption this year without any issues. And then everyone started asking if we were going to adopt again. Would we try to adopt a boy? I am an only child so I am used to a one child family. But a lot of people have siblings and they claim that the sibling relationships are really fun and vital for them. So I have been told that it would enrich my daughter’s life to have a sibling. Trouble is that it isn’t that easy. We got lucky with a smooth adoption for her. No telling if we will get so lucky with another adoption. I would really like to just enjoy my family for now.

  3. Not that this even remotely compares but my long awaited miracle is now 6 months old and while I was still pregnsnt with him people were telling- not asking- me to make sure I try again as soon as he hits a year old (we have two embryos frozen). Part of me wants to punch them in the face because I just want to enjoy being a first time mum. I want to watch him grow and just love every moment. Now that he’s 6 months everyone is commenting again that we should go again very soon (a lot of this is from my husband’s family). It’s really annoying when people think it’s their business. Let me just love his being an only child.

  4. We tried for our first for 6 years. One day, about 4 years into our journey, a friend said to me “I’m so depressed. We’ve been trying for #2 for 4 months and I’m not pregnant yet — I just feel like it will never happen.” (mind you they got pregnant with their first on the first month they tried). I had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom.

    People seriously need to think before they speak.

  5. I think people are mainly just nosy ya know? haha I get it though. It took us 4 years, miscarriage and IVF so when people ask of course I just say “well it took us 4 years to get this one so it’s not that easy”. That kind of stops them. Honestly after going through all of that I couldn’t be happier and feel so blessed to have the healthy son we have. I am 100% content with him. I guess some people just don’t understand that.

  6. I really can relate to this post. I too have struggled with infertility for years and finally have my baby. As soon as I had him, people (even strangers) were asking me when I’m going to have another. They told me how important siblings are, etc. Its very painful because, of course, I would love another one, but its not that easy. But I am so blessed to have the one. I really thought I could not have any children at all. He is my miracle, and I am grateful for him every single day.

  7. I’m with you on this. I think people are not meaning it to upset you. We took 7 years, 9 miscarriages and a 24 week prem baby. Some people think we shouldn’t go again in case of another prem but it comes down to our choice.

  8. We tried 3 yrs for our daughter n been trying 4 yrs our next one…With all the procedures n treatments money issues n insurance not covering any of it..Its been a uphill battle….I get this question every day….N just told them we are happy with one n then they take you to this guilt trip how you are being selfish n how she is lonely n will not learn to share or Bond n bla bla …..So no matter what answer you give they will come back with another knifeto puncher ur heart 😔. Don’t know what’s worst battling infertility or facing these people 😒

  9. Every time I see a new post of yours I am thrilled. Thank you for sharing. I personally have never been someone to make it my business to inquire about any milestone or rite of passage of anyone. I think it’s b/c I do not appreciate people probing about personal details. I think it’s rude. I have no idea what I would say to anyone in your situation, i.e., new mom who went through hell and back to have her first. It’s private. Some people think it’s polite conversation. They don’t think beyond their own personal bubble. I’m sorry you have to endure all the invasion of privacy and reminders of your very painful fertility status. It’s nobody’s business. Just congratulate a new parents/mom and compliment the newborn people and keep it moving. Get a life and stop sticking your noses into others’.

  10. I’m sorry sweetie. People will never understand. I recommend having a standard response. I prefer to be ruder the nosey people get. Honestly I am quite blunt and give short version of our journey. Unless it will be totally lost on them then I just find the fastest way out of the conversation. Enjoy being a mum and screw ’em!

  11. Thank you so much for putting my exact thoughts into words on paper for all to read!!! Thank you for the reminder of ‘I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have today’ that statement alone drew me to your article & is what I’ve done every day since our son was born after 10 years of waiting for him!!! XOXO

  12. I can completely relate and recently blogged about this as well. I think when it comes to pregnancy etiquette, most people are way off. My husband always says their intentions are good but to me making these comments is intrusive, rude and sometimes very hurtful. I applaud you for your response because I don’t think it is going to change by people just avoiding answering the question. Hopefully in the future the awareness about infertility, surrogacy, adoption, etc will increase and these comments will be seen as tacky and inappropriate instead of commonplace.

  13. Yep. Agreed.
    No, we don’t get it when people say things like that or “I understand how hard it is to come to the end of your child-bearing years” said someone to me (this someone has three children, conceived with no assistance and almost unintentional).
    Sending you love and light! You got this! Raise that glass and love that baby.

  14. I love reading your posts. I have struggled with infertility the past 3 years & have probably been asked over 100 when my husband & I will start having kids. If there is one thing that I have learned from infertility, it is sensitivity others. It has really made me think about what I say & think of what others might be going through that you just can’t see. After I had been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years, I would look at my sister & her family & think they looked like such a perfect family & that they had everything. I admit I was feeling envious & comparing my life. Well, a few weeks later, my sister admitted that her husband was struggling with depression & they were dealing with some pretty serious things because of that. I have really looked at things differently since then & tried more to think of what others might be dealing with. Anyways, long rant, & it still drives me crazy when people make insensitive comments but I feel like I will at least try not to do that to anyone else!

  15. Wow….just wow! Not only on people asking but about your friend. Yikes!!! Why do people have to be so bloody nosy and some just unappreciative of the gifts they’ve been given. I mean, I know we all slip into that once in awhile but geesh.

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