I sit here looking at my hands. They are dry and cracked from washing bottles in hot water. And I couldn’t be happier about that….but I notice something else too…..

Little scars between my fingers…on only two fingers…but I can still see them.

As I clasp my hands together to pray before dinner….I realize why they are there….

During infertility, there were times where I would pray so hard, my rings would rub up against my other fingers….causing them to bleed a little…and it left tiny scars…
I didn’t notice at the time because, with infertility, I was in so much pain, mentally and physically, that I was numb to feeling much else…

So many things I didn’t notice during the dark days……..

I know I write a lot about the hard times on this blog. It took us almost 5 years to have a child. I was incapable of even carrying my child. Infertility has been a big part of my life and I remember scouring the internet to find someone…anyone who had all of my problems….I didn’t find anyone with ALL of my problems but I did find some that I could relate to…and I held on tight to those…..like in prayer….

Every feeling they felt, every procedure, every vitamin, every doctor…I wanted to know it all. And I prayed for them…and most of them succeeded in pregnancy….and then their blogs would go silent….never hear from them again…

I never understood why….but I’m slowly understanding….

My audience……most of my followers and readers find my blog while searching for infertility.

Infertility.

They want to have a baby.

So once an infertility blogger has a baby….the blogger is either done writing, they have conquered their goal or it turns into a parenting/baby blog….

If 5 years ago, I searched for an infertility blog and the first thing I saw was a cute baby pic…it would be a punch to the gut a little(just being completely honest)..I obviously would have wanted to know they eventually succeeded but being in such a depressed, fragile, lonely state..searching for infertility blogs…I wanted information about diagnosis, treatments, procedures, timelines, experience, doctors…I could go on and on…

So this blog won’t have any more pictures of my baby boy. He is here, he is safe, he is growing and if you do want to see more pictures of him growing up, you can follow me on my new Instagram account @changingdiapers 🙂

Mark my word, I am thrilled beyond words to have my son, but like I wrote about in this post, I didn’t “beat” infertility..so I’ll continue to fight and try to find procedures and doctors and treatments for those like me. And I’ll continue to call scientists and researchers and doctors around the world to find the most up-to-date information on everything in the reproductive endocrinology world.

You see…because I think I have finally found my purpose…..I’ll write more about this in another post…but there’s a reason I started this blog years ago..to help those wanting to have a child…simple…yet so overwhelmingly complex….

And like these scars on my fingers…the memories and struggles of infertility are scars in my mind…I can’t ever fully forget about them…..

So I’m not about to forget about you….still battling, still fighting, still crying every night…

Still collecting scars…..

I’m still here for you….and I’m not going anywhere.

 




20 Comments on Scars Between My Fingers

  1. How beautiful this entry is. It brought tears to my eyes because of how true it rings for me. As I searched for IF bloggers about 6 months ago I ran into several that had babies or were well on their way and it was so hard to see. So I didn’t follow them. I’m currently going through a break. It’s been 19 months. Which isn’t long in comparison to some, but in many ways I have been waiting for almost 7 years. My heart is just too heavy right now to go through another TWW or take another OPK. I’m having a hard enough time taking Metformin and my prenatals. :/ I needed this post. I’ve never commented here and I don’t normally comment anywhere. But you had to know that you touched me. Congrats on your beautiful boy.

    • Thank you Jenn…the entire reason I started blogging was to help others and let you know you are not alone. I’ve been through it all and if I can get through it, you can too. Best of luck…you will be holding your child soon…some way, some how…gotta believe..xoxo

  2. Wow. This is the first blog entry that has actually made me cry. When I sat down and started searching for blogs about infertility, I found this huge directory and thought I had hit the jackpot. As I started going down the list, SO MANY were years old and abandoned. The ones that had an even remotely recent update, were still abandoned with the exception of a token update about how “motherhood is everything” and they never looked back.

    I’ve been round and round through this fertility game, broken and on the floor crying, then I’ll get the wind in my sails and be super optimistic and then I’ll crash down again.

    Currently, once again, I’m in that optimistic spot, so I generally took it as a good sign that all these people who’d put enough effort into an “Infertility Blog” had success.

    I am also a “Lurker” who reads, but never comments. I also had to let you know your post seriously struck a deep chord. Thank you.

    • Thank you Carinna! I’m glad it “struck a chord” with you. I started this blog to help others…and to let you feel you are not alone. I want to keep helping others and I want to continue researching so we ALL can be parents. Thank you for your kind words and support! Xo

  3. Heart-achingly beautiful post, thank you for your sweet message and for hitting the nail on the head. All the best with your future infertility endeavours xx

  4. Thank you for this post & for still advocating for all those who have struggled & still struggle with infertility! I found your blog when searching for a blog about infertility & I cannot tell you how many blogs first had almost only stories of their children they have now. While that is great it is so hard in the moment when you are just really wanting to find someone who knows what you are going through. I love all of your posts & how real they are & how you appreciate what you have now but also remember what you when through. I hope that when I am someday able to have children in whatever way, that I can still remember all of the struggles that I went through to appreciate what I learned & gained from it.

    http://hopeace.weebly.com/

    • Thank you Ashley…this made me tear up. It is definitely a balance. I remember those feelings and I just don’t want women struggling with having a child, find my blog and only see pics of my son. That’s not why I started this blog. I started it to help others and let them know….it will be ok..and I had to go through it ALL. Most women will eventually get pregnant at some point…but I want you to know..even if you don’t..and have to use a gestational carrier, or adopt…it will be ok..best of luck to you! Xo

  5. Yours is the first blog I found when I first started searching for support online over 18 months ago. It felt comforting to find other people in similar struggles who understood the lingo and the procedures and everything they entail.

    So many blogs I’ve visited since then, especially when googling a particularly worrisome piece of news, brought me to blogs that were outdated and abandoned.

    It seems like infertility is like a train station and there are all these couples waiting for their ride. New couples arrive every so often; some couples get on a train and “move on” but for the most part the people who aren’t able to get pregnant are just stuck on the platform, waiting. This post feels like you’re taking a seat and hunkering down with us for the wait or come what may.

    I hope that in doing so you’ll find peace and answers for your own path.

  6. Hi i came across your blog and share the same emotions as you. I desperaty some advise and help here. I have persistent thin lining for 1.5years since my d&c in 2014. Local doctors has run out of options of protocols for me. Basically i cant build my lining for embryo transfer. I am not ready to give up yet.

    Can i know what alternatives you have seek to build your lining and conceived?

    Can pm me or email at mui_yoh@yahoo.com

    I would appreciate if any one has any advise

    • Hi Cynthia, I was not able to get pregnant due to my thin lining and needed a gestational carrier to carry my child. Best of luck to you though!

  7. Tonight is the first time I have searched for an infertility blog as tomorrow I will get my blood work results from my doctor to find out why my husband and I have not been able to conceive for well over a year. This was exactly the kind of post I needed to read ❤️.

  8. Hi I stumbled upon your blog while searching for the answer to a question that one of my visitors asked. Although I didn’t find the answer here, I couldn’t help reading your story and I’m glad you were finally blessed with your son. As someone who has two siblings struggling with infertility, I can understand what women like you have gone through (although not completely, as each person’s experience is unique).

    I wish you all the best and may God keep blessing you!

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