I’m way behind so I’ll try to catch you all up…..
Last week, I drove over 13 hrs to my sisters’ house. By myself….well, and my 3 dogs πŸ™‚ I’m staying with her until baby boy gets here and I’ve got to say…I’m having some weird feelings. I left my husband and I realized that the next time I am in our home…it will be the 3 of us and our 3 dogs. Wow.

And I got scared.

All of a sudden, I don’t feel ready.

I know that must sound so weird to most of you. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that this is all I’ve wanted and dreamed of my whole life….so I should be more than ready….right??

But that PTID(post traumatic infertility disorder)Β that I’ve talked about sneaks in and I doubt myself as a mother. For almost 5 years, I have been preparing to be a mother but all of a sudden, I feel I’m “not ready”….just not yet.

Baby boy could come at any time now. My sister had her last baby at 36 weeks…and we are past that….

And I’m terrified.

I don’t think I have everything. My husband will need to fly here last minute, because of his job, and I am so scared he will miss the birth of our son. I’m worried for my sister. I don’t want anything to go wrong. I could go on and on……

The more I think about it, I guess these are pretty normal feelings that I should have but I didn’t expect any of them. Especially the “not ready” part….I should be ready after all I have been through…right??

Really, I only expected to feel pure JOY……but there are still those “what if’s”….and until he’s in my arms I think I will continue to feel this way….

Again, he’s not even growing inside of me…that might make me feel a little different if I had a bump or I could feel him kick….maybe that would make me feel more “prepared”? Who knows……..

Oh, this route to parenthood is not an easy one….

but it IS one….and it is MY way…

and I need to embrace it all…

So for now, I will embrace these feelings…..

And in all reality……I know I am ready….

I mean…he is on his way……..could be days, could be weeks…but he will be here and I will be a Mom…

Finally………I am actually going to be someone’s Mom πŸ™‚


30 Comments on Not Ready

  1. And you will do a wonderful job of being his mom and may i say its not you who is lucky its the baby who is lucky because he got you as his MOM . Wishing your sister easy delivery and most healthy beautiful baby for you Mama 😘

  2. Though my journey was not as long as your, not as difficult, we waited 2.5 years for our little bundle and I had many of the same feelings as you have just expressed. Just breath. I pray for an easy delivery and a healthy baby. And know, your already someones mom, only mom’s worry this much.

  3. You’ll never be ready! Honestly, being responsible for a little one’s life is pretty amazing, and I still don’t feel ready! On more then one occasion I’ve looked at Mr. MPB and told him I still cannot believe we have a kid, and that someone actually approved us to have a kid! And we both smile and realize that we are parents and we’ve got this. And so, I’m absolutely confident you’ll get it too! πŸ™‚
    As for your worry about not carrying him, honestly I was expecting to experience attachment issues. I read all the literature on it and we were prepared, and I think it’s smart to be prepared for it. But for us, it was love at first sight and honestly neither Mr. MPB or myself had any issues attaching to our little boy. In fact, the second we met him everything just felt right. I desperately hope you have a similar experience, but it’s okay if you don’t. It might take time and that’s completely okay. Please just give yourself space to feel whatever it is you are feeling in the moment.
    Sending my love and wishing you an amazing next few weeks with your sister! Something tells me the next few weeks are going to be very special for you two. πŸ™‚

  4. Beautiful Mama- you got this. Just please don’t judge yourself or the situation until the first few super hard and sleep deprived months pass. Motherhood just gets gloriously better every day and those first few months are not what being a Mom actually feels like. That being said- I know you will hold your precious baby and feel the release of your struggle and hopes flow through you both. Xo

  5. All of the worrying means that you’re already a mom. And unfortunately it doesn’t stop after they get here. Pretty sure it sticks around for the rest of their lives. I’m excited you that your baby boy will be in your arms soon.

  6. This post made me realize that you are TOTALLY a mom already… whether you realize it or not! Worrying? Feeling unprepared and overwhelmed? Yep. That’s motherhood! And it won’t stop once he’s born. You’ll worry that you’re not doing things perfectly for him. You’ll worry when he’s sick. You’ll worry if he’s eating enough or too much. It never ends… and it’s WONDERFUL! I think us “infertiles” put even more pressure on ourselves than the average parent. Keep worrying… but just know that, while your journey may not have been traditional in terms of your son’s conception and gestation, you are SO typical in this particular instance. Hugs to you!!! Can’t wait to hear about the arrival of this joyous little babe!!!

  7. No one is ever truly ready. It is normal to have the feelings you describe. It is normal if sometimes after your child is born to feel like this must a child on loan to you. It is normal to be totally bonded the first second and also normal to not feel bonded in that way. Just keep breathing in and out regularly. And be kind to yourself, always.

  8. You are ready, you got this! Believe me the worry will just continue once he is here but you will know what to do to take care of your sweet baby. Just try to take in and enjoy every moment!! Like one person wrote above you may even feel like it isn’t really your baby…I felt like that for months! I loved him but just couldn’t really believe that was finally my life but things will all fall into place with time.

  9. Completely normal to feel that way! You will be an amazing mom! how could you not be? with everything you went through to have this dear sweet baby. you will be amazing parents. You will be nervous and that’s normal. it is a big change coming into your life. it is a good fear. a sign of something wonderful about to happen. enjoy the last few minutes of sleep before parenthood! exhaustion and baby brain are real!!!

  10. You’re already an amazing mama! You and your husband have both given of your time, money, precious prayers, and energy; which are all qualities of outstanding parents. Change is always scary at first, no matter how prepared you are, but you got this! Prayers to your sister for an easy delivery. Cheers and prayers to you for never giving up the dream of being a mom. You are an inspiration to all of us going through this infertility process. Most importantly, love and prayers to your baby boy for a life time of blessings and love…Look out world, here comes a new MAMA!

    • Thank you so much Veronica!! Appreciate your kind words! I started this blog to help others with infertility and I’m so glad I’ve helped! I still just cannot believe I’m about to be a Mom…so excited!! Thank you for your support! Xoxo

  11. I cannot wait to read what’s next! You have given such inspiration and support to me through my own long journey and if you can do that then you’re ready! What an amazing blog, please continue to post when your little lad is here! Love and lots of baby dust from England!

  12. You may not feel ready, but there is no doubt in my mind that you got this! You are going to be one amazing mama and this baby boy is going to be loved so fiercely!!! I can’t wait to hear the news he is here!!! Love you, Friend!!!

    • Thank you Dawn! And OMG! I am just catching up with reading blogs and a HUGE congrats to you!!! She is beautiful and j could not be happier for you guys!!!! Wow!! So exciting!! Lots of love to you!! Xoxo

  13. Thanks for the update! Can’t wait to hear how gorgeous and perfect he is! ❀️ You’ll do wonderfully, I’m so excited for you guys! Keep us posted when you can! XO

  14. So happy to see this update. I think all the feelings you are having are normal for any new parent, regardless of how they get there. We are parenting our 11 year old niece after her mother passed and let me tell you, even with her being my niece, and knowing her, and having her in my home jultiple times before, I don’t think anything can prepare you for parenting except actually doing it.

    Praying that your sister has an easy and quick labor, that your husband has a safe and timely flight, and that your baby will be in your arms very soon.

  15. Oh boy! Such an exciting time. You got this! You and your hubby made it through so much before this, you got this, you’ll figure it out.
    P.S. Parents don’t ever really “know” what to do – we just do the best we can whenever we can. And when we know better, we do better.

    Yay! Congrats! Can’t wait to hear the good news in the next few weeks!

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