Month: October 2016

A (not so fun Halloween) Scare

I’ve now been at my sister’s house over 2 weeks. Our Obgyn was worried that our little man would come early because of how big he has been measuring(already 8+ lbs by now!). Plus, my sister’s last baby came early at 36 weeks, so like I wrote in my last post, I left my husband at home and drove over 13 hrs….and…still nothing. We just had an appt though last Monday and we had a scare. 2 weeks ago he had dropped and she was measuring 1cm dialated….but this last appt…he went back up πŸ™ and she’s still measuring 1cm….and she has borderline high blood pressure. At the rate at which he is growing…our Ob is worried that if he doesn’t drop soon, we will need to schedule a c-section…..
And tears……
First from me…then my sister…and then my Mom…

This is the LAST thing I wanted to do to my sister. I know the real reason why she didn’t even want to transfer 2 embryos was the fact that possibly carrying twins most likely meant a c-section and she did not want to do that…at all. And I don’t blame her. Both of her other pregnancies were easy…I mean…that’s one of the reasons why she offered to carry for us…because she enjoys pregnancy(well, to a degree πŸ˜‰ and her deliveries were easy….but now?

So, we got monitored…and all is good so far…but if he doesn’t come soon…or if either of them is distressed…then a c-section might be a very real possibility….and I am terrified. If it was me…I’ve had about 20 surgeries…. I know I could handle it…but my sister? Her very first surgery was last year…remember when I wrote this post? And now, if she has to have her 2nd surgery because of me…and then the healing process after a c-section? I just don’t even want to think about it….

But now I have to….

So please have good thoughts that baby boy comes on his own…and there are no complications during delivery….

We’ve gotten so far…just a little more…..

Not Ready

I’m way behind so I’ll try to catch you all up…..
Last week, I drove over 13 hrs to my sisters’ house. By myself….well, and my 3 dogs πŸ™‚ I’m staying with her until baby boy gets here and I’ve got to say…I’m having some weird feelings. I left my husband and I realized that the next time I am in our home…it will be the 3 of us and our 3 dogs. Wow.

And I got scared.

All of a sudden, I don’t feel ready.

I know that must sound so weird to most of you. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that this is all I’ve wanted and dreamed of my whole life….so I should be more than ready….right??

But that PTID(post traumatic infertility disorder)Β that I’ve talked about sneaks in and I doubt myself as a mother. For almost 5 years, I have been preparing to be a mother but all of a sudden, I feel I’m “not ready”….just not yet.

Baby boy could come at any time now. My sister had her last baby at 36 weeks…and we are past that….

And I’m terrified.

I don’t think I have everything. My husband will need to fly here last minute, because of his job, and I am so scared he will miss the birth of our son. I’m worried for my sister. I don’t want anything to go wrong. I could go on and on……

The more I think about it, I guess these are pretty normal feelings that I should have but I didn’t expect any of them. Especially the “not ready” part….I should be ready after all I have been through…right??

Really, I only expected to feel pure JOY……but there are still those “what if’s”….and until he’s in my arms I think I will continue to feel this way….

Again, he’s not even growing inside of me…that might make me feel a little different if I had a bump or I could feel him kick….maybe that would make me feel more “prepared”? Who knows……..

Oh, this route to parenthood is not an easy one….

but it IS one….and it is MY way…

and I need to embrace it all…

So for now, I will embrace these feelings…..

And in all reality……I know I am ready….

I mean…he is on his way……..could be days, could be weeks…but he will be here and I will be a Mom…

Finally………I am actually going to be someone’s Mom πŸ™‚