I don’t belong.

I’m not part of my infertility group any more…because I’m expecting.

I’m not part of the pregnant women’s group…because I’m not pregnant……even though I’m expecting.


Believe you me…I am THRILLED to be having Baby Joy in a short couple of months(weeks really!!!)….but at the moment, I don’t fit in anywhere.

I think this is one of the things that no one mentions when having to use a gestational surrogate.

When I say, we are having a baby soon…people look at me and question… “But you don’t have a bump?” Nope. “Oh, then you must be adopting?” No. “Then the baby will be your gestational surrogate and husbands DNA?” No. And more questions/statements that I cannot even type out…it goes on and on.

Other than feeling lost…I am trying to understand that this is really happening. It’s REALLY happening.

And I have to remind myself….that it is real.

I know I haven’t updated as often as I would like on here, and once again, I apologize. I wanted to give you all a play-by-play with what is happening…but to be honest with you, even though it’s my own sister carrying our baby, I don’t know everything. She doesn’t live near me. So I try to fly up to as many doctors appointments as I can. Also, she was the one to take the pregnancy test, she was the one to feel Baby Joy kick for the first time, she is the one experiencing it all.

I’m like a cheerleader from the sidelines cheering on their favorite team

I so badly wanted to be a part of that team. But I tried. I did all I could. And it wasn’t meant to be that way.

I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be pregnant…simple as that…and that’s what is happening.

You see what’s really going on….what’s under all of this disbelief and doubt is something called: PTID

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder

Many of you have experienced it for yourself.

~You get a positive pregnancy test, but cannot get too excited because you might miscarry again.

~You have high betas, but you did with your last pregnancy that ended.

~You go to the ultrasound, see the baby, but there is still a chance that something will go wrong.

~You just want to make it to 12 weeks, but you just saw someone lose their baby at 20 weeks and want to wait longer.

The list can go on and on….

See, it’s hard to believe that it’s finally time for something good to happen to you when you have been through so much heartache.

And that’s where I’m at. I want to believe so badly that I will be holding my precious Baby Joy in my arms soon. I WILL be holding him in my arms….but PTID ruins my mind.

I understand that I might be a little more sensitive to this than some but before you judge, please try to walk in my shoes first.

Nothing about infertility is easy. Nothing before, nothing during and nothing after. We are a sisterhood that you can only truly understand if you have been through the same pain and struggle…period.

It bothers me when others find out we are expecting….and expect me to forget the past 4 years of infertility, like it didn’t matter…or it doesn’t matter anymore.

Well, I will tell you one thing. I won’t ever forget. This blog, and you all, my amazing friends that dug me out of deep depressive holes…… I won’t forget it. I guess you could say that Baby Joy would not be here without this blog and the men and women who have supported me throughout this….and now PTID.

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder is real.

I am living it. And it’s ok of you are too. We are in this together.

If you have experienced PTID, comment below and let others know they are not alone…

We will get through this.

(Photo Credit: Brian Rea)




20 Comments on PTID: Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder

  1. Thank you for this, I am working so hard to get healthier messages out there in our community. Including the lifelong consequences of this journey….no matter what happy ending you get.

    • Justine…you are AMAZING for what you are doing for this community. It is appreciated more than you know..so thank you. It takes us all to spread words of encouragement to one another…step by step we can all make a difference to those struggling with this disease…xoxo

  2. It is indeed real. It can feel so isolating especially when others wrongly judge your situation. I am so happy you are getting ready for baby joy, I am so sorry it is via a path no one would choose but one that takes the true fortitude and strength of a mother willing to do anything to bring her baby to life to embrace. Lots of love to you.

  3. One foot in front of the other, breathe, one foot in front of the other, breathe. Just keep saying it until you get somewhere that feels definitive because looking too far ahead or comparing to the old fantasy of how you thought this would be is a really good way to become overwhelmed. I speak not from pretense or extrapolation but from experience as that’s the only way I’ve personally gotten this far and survived. XO

    • A…you know this more than me..so I will take your advice to heart. Thank you for reminding me to breathe..it does become overwhelming if I look too far ahead. Today is a beautiful day and all is good..that’s enough for me. Thank you and thinking of you all 😉 xoxo

  4. Thank you for your blog! Your words have helped me be more at peace with this journey we are in. I don’t think I will ever be able to have a pregnancy where I am not worried about the “what ifs”. We got pregnant after 2 yrs of trying after our first IUI, only to lose that baby at 9wks. I was cautiously optimistic the whole time and my mom didn’t understand why I didn’t want to start planning too much just yet. Even now she is saying everything will be ok that this won’t happen again but it still can there are a lot of unknowns with us being unexplained infertility.

  5. Yes! Absolutely! I got pregnant after seven rounds of clomid and letrazole and surgeries. I had a lot of trouble embracing the pregnancy. I have a beautiful 16 month old now. However I had a miscarriage this summer (after hardly even accepting I was pregnant!) so this is still very very real to me.

  6. Thank you for this. It couldn’t be a more accurate depiction of everything I am feeling right now. I am 9 weeks pregnant today. But hesitating on everything. My husband and i know the gender (genetic testing prior to implant) and discussed possible baby names on a long drive today. And in the back of my head I just kept thinking. Let’s not refer to the baby as that because if we lose it there will go the name that we both love. Thank you for expressing what I am feeling and reminding me that I am not alone.

  7. You are right. Even once we are FINALLY in the home stretch of getting our baby after all of the struggle, we won’t ever forget this. We will get so much joy, and everything will be worth it, but we are still changed by the journey. Good and Bad ways. I have more compassion and understanding of what the grieving need. Because I have been there more times than I care to count. I also am now a more nervous and anxious person, and I let it stop me from enjoying things that should be celebrated. I’m not blissfully ignorant. But I am a better person too. I can see and feel people’s pain even when they try to hide it. I know that people just need to be sad and have a hug, without being told that “it will all be okay” or “part of a plan” or “meant to be”. I know what’s appropriate, and what could be unintentionally hurtful. So no, we will never forget this journey, regardless of the outcome.

    Random question: I feel like I can tell people who have had trouble having kids, without them ever saying anything, does anyone else feel like they have this sense about them now?

    I want to say that I am SO happy that you will be getting your baby joy soon. He is the beautiful product of you and DH and yours and DHs and your sisters hard work. He will always know and feel how loved and wanted he was from both of you and all of your family, and your journey proves it.

    Take care lovely.

    • Yes! I agree that it’s easy to tell if someone is having infertility struggles. I’ve been able to tell from online posts and from reactions to certain conversations. I’ve reached out to a couple of them and been able to give advice and help. Isn’t it crazy?

      I also agree with you as far as being able to understand how to deal with someone who is grieving. I’m better at knowing what to say, remembering that they just want someone to listen and offer support- no advice, no “it’s God’s plan,” no hopeful comments. Just support and agreeing that what they are going through is hard and it sucks.

  8. Yes, this is definitely all true!

    We dealt with 3.5 years of IF with 4 losses during that time. We are now on “the other side” of all that as our rainbow baby just turned one; however, there are so many days when I feel like I’m still in the middle of it all. There are so many reminders of the babies we lost (I have friends who have little ones born close to a few of my would-have-been due dates) and I really do IF changes who you are to the core.

    No matter what someone’s ending to their IF journey is, the experience will forever change them.

  9. This is so real! I was just trying to explain this to someone how my mind can not focus on this time being different when all we know is heartbreak. I am terrified to get pregnant because that means we will have to go through Beta hell again and it always has turned out bad, I’m terrified of the ultrasound room at my RE and OB office because only bad news happens there. It’s hard to think good things will come. I can’t explain how helpful it is to read that I am not alone in this feeling and there is an actual name for it💗

  10. I’m new to reading your blog and am hoping to catch up soon. But, I wanted to congratulate you on the expectation of Baby Joy. I also want you to know that you are 100% still a part of the infertility community. We are and always will be infertile. We will never be able to conceive on our own, and that makes us permanent members.

    Thank you for writing about PTID. I haven’t even made it to transfer and I’m already going through the what-ifs and anxiously mapping out each milestone in my head. It’s a very real thing and it’s nice to know that others are dealing with it, as well. We can be here for one another and guide each other through it.

  11. Great post! You hit the nail on the head! we’re almost 31 weeks pregnant and each day I worry about the “What ifs” instead of enjoying the ride and being thankful. Thinking of you often!

  12. We are just getting started on our journey into understanding possible infertility. I appreciate being able to learn from all of you through your posts. Many blessings to all of you and please write again to share updates.

    • Beth, Are you on Reddit? If not, create an account and find the infertility subreddit. I went there as soon as we started seeing a specialist and it helped me so much. Not only is it a great support group but there is also a lot of information that can be shared. It has definitely made our journey easier to understand and cope with.

  13. I have very much enjoyed following your blog, and am thrilled that “your story” is coming together and you will soon be a mommy! Sometimes along this journey it feels like it will never happen, after so many heartbreaks and dead ends.I know you have been there and felt that way too, so it is reassuring to see you finally approaching your finish line!

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