30-LOVE-jumbo

I don’t belong.

I’m not part of my infertility group any more…because I’m expecting.

I’m not part of the pregnant women’s group…because I’m not pregnant……even though I’m expecting.

Lost.

Believe you me…I am THRILLED to be having Baby Joy in a short couple of months(weeks really!!!)….but at the moment, I don’t fit in anywhere.

I think this is one of the things that no one mentions when having to use a gestational surrogate.

When I say, we are having a baby soon…people look at me and question… “But you don’t have a bump?” Nope. “Oh, then you must be adopting?” No. “Then the baby will be your gestational surrogate and husbands DNA?” No. And more questions/statements that I cannot even type out…it goes on and on.

Other than feeling lost…I am trying to understand that this is really happening. It’s REALLY happening.

And I have to remind myself….that it is real.

I know I haven’t updated as often as I would like on here, and once again, I apologize. I wanted to give you all a play-by-play with what is happening…but to be honest with you, even though it’s my own sister carrying our baby, I don’t know everything. She doesn’t live near me. So I try to fly up to as many doctors appointments as I can. Also, she was the one to take the pregnancy test, she was the one to feel Baby Joy kick for the first time, she is the one experiencing it all.

I’m like a cheerleader from the sidelines cheering on their favorite team

I so badly wanted to be a part of that team. But I tried. I did all I could. And it wasn’t meant to be that way.

I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be pregnant…simple as that…and that’s what is happening.

You see what’s really going on….what’s under all of this disbelief and doubt is something called: PTID

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder

Many of you have experienced it for yourself.

~You get a positive pregnancy test, but cannot get too excited because you might miscarry again.

~You have high betas, but you did with your last pregnancy that ended.

~You go to the ultrasound, see the baby, but there is still a chance that something will go wrong.

~You just want to make it to 12 weeks, but you just saw someone lose their baby at 20 weeks and want to wait longer.

The list can go on and on….

See, it’s hard to believe that it’s finally time for something good to happen to you when you have been through so much heartache.

And that’s where I’m at. I want to believe so badly that I will be holding my precious Baby Joy in my arms soon. I WILL be holding him in my arms….but PTID ruins my mind.

I understand that I might be a little more sensitive to this than some but before you judge, please try to walk in my shoes first.

Nothing about infertility is easy. Nothing before, nothing during and nothing after. We are a sisterhood that you can only truly understand if you have been through the same pain and struggle…period.

It bothers me when others find out we are expecting….and expect me to forget the past 4 years of infertility, like it didn’t matter…or it doesn’t matter anymore.

Well, I will tell you one thing. I won’t ever forget. This blog, and you all, my amazing friends that dug me out of deep depressive holes…… I won’t forget it. I guess you could say that Baby Joy would not be here without this blog and the men and women who have supported me throughout this….and now PTID.

Post Traumatic Infertility Disorder is real.

I am living it. And it’s ok of you are too. We are in this together.

If you have experienced PTID, comment below and let others know they are not alone…

We will get through this.

(Photo Credit: Brian Rea)