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I knew choosing the path of gestational surrogacy was not going to be easy.

Call it a “gut instinct”. Or call it…..simply….reality.

I have kept most of my infertility battle to myself. From the very beginning, I thought I was strong enough to handle it all alone. Well, fairly quickly, I realized that I needed some support. I decided to start this blog over 3 years ago. And I cannot tell you how much love and support I have received. Beautiful. Most of you do not know me personally but you are here to support me and pick me up. Why is it easier for me to rely on strangers support than my own family? Well, it became clear to me this past weekend.

I am not a “Facebook” person. I don’t check it regularly. I don’t post every month, let alone every day. Honestly, it doesn’t mean much to me. But I realized that I should probably post that we are expecting soon since the Facebook world may see some pics of our little man in the near future. I thought about what to say. I thought about it for a while. I wrote and re-wrote the post. It was not easy. I have over 1,100 “friends” on FB…now, let’s get real, I really only have about 100-200 true friends on there but through the years, you meet people and they add you and before you know it, you have strangers peaking into your world. I think that’s why I don’t post too often. I went back and forth about how to reveal our news. Should I just post an ultrasound picture and leave it at that? Pretending to be “normal”? Should I explain all I have been through in detail about my infertility? Should I post a picture of me and my sister really going into detail about my IF battle? Well, after delaying the post for far too long, I decided to post an ultrasound photo and write this:

The truth behind the photo: I don’t post on here often but felt the need to share some personal news if others need encouragement and hope. After 4 years of countless doctors appointments, 7 surgeries, numerous IVF cycles, thousands of prayers and support from family(especially my sister L), all of our doctors, friends and above all God…
Hubby and I are expecting Baby W this fall 🙂 I cannot and will not pretend this was easy. In honor of all of my brothers and sisters battling infertility…this is for you. Infertility impacts thousands of men and women every single day and most sit in silence. I was one of those people….until now. I have to speak up for those who are still battling this disease. And it is a disease and needs to be covered by insurance. I’m sure there are even a few of my friends going through this as I’m posting. So please know, you are not alone and I am here for you. This was the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life but we are extremely blessed that God and our team of doctors found a way. They all said it would be a miracle…well, good thing we believe in miracles. We thank the Lord for this blessing.

This was the first time I had posted in over 6 months. This was the first thing I have ever posted about having infertility…to over 1,100 people. I was scared. I was afraid. I was going to be judged and criticized. I just knew it. But once I hit that “post” button….I started receiving comments….lots of congratulations, and even some that opened up about going through infertility/IVF to get their miracle baby.

But then one comment came through……from my own father. And a phone call from him followed.

I answered thinking that he was calling to tell me how proud he was of me for posting what I did.

But instead….I actually got judged and criticized….

From my very own father.

He wanted me to “give more credit” to my sister who is carrying our child and “the one making me a mother”. He didn’t like the way that I casually mentioned her in the post. And what made me go into an absolute downward spiral, he had the audacity to say, “Do you really just want to pretend to all of your friends that you are actually pregnant and gave birth.”

Wow. My very own father.

The one who is supposed to protect. The one who is supposed to make me feel safe. The one who is not supposed to hurt me….the one who is never supposed to “judge”.

The one who helped give me life….just took all of the life out of me.

A blow to the gut is an understatement.

The life that I had hidden for the past 4 years, I hid it because I was afraid of judgement from people like HIM. Wow.

I fell to the floor, I screamed, I cried…in my husbands arms….sobbing uncontrollably

Why? How? What could make him do such a thing?

Nothing made sense…

My sister and I talked before I posted anything. I told her I may not post anything on FB and she was fine. My real friends know the truth. Why does that random person who I met back in 2009 at a bar need to know the extreme details of my infertile life?

This has been my battle…my story to tell…on my time. No one else’s….especially my fathers.

I was feeling more confident..more confident that I might actually become a mother soon….so I decided to share this personal news with my FB world…

I actually started to feel “joy” again…shattered by one phone call.

And he broke me back down…he broke me back down to 2012 where I was told I would never naturally become pregnant and in 2014 where the doctors told me it would be impossible for me to carry my own child…..

The flood of emotions all back…..it was like I almost reached the shore and a tidal wave pushed me back to sea…

And emotionally I am starting over….

I never thought someone could do this to me…could affect me this much…

Again…I am strong….I have been tested….

But this….from my own father?

This….I did not see coming…

I am hurting friends….but I am trying to focus once again on what matters…

And it’s that little boy…

No matter what I go through, I just want him here safe…

I know I will be fighting for him my entire life…I’ve fought to create him, I have fought to find a home for him to grow and I am fighting for him to enter this world in peace, love and understanding…

Is that really too much to ask?




 

22 Comments on Judgement and Criticism

  1. I think it is a lovely post. I am in the middle of an adoption and there is a lot of disagreement on how much I should say and to who. I think that it is a very personal decision to share your infertility / baby story and I don’t think that everyone needs to know every detail. I am sorry that your dad wasn’t more sensitive and supportive. But no matter how you decide to start a family someone out there has an opinion and a criticism. It doesn’t matter. You will have your baby and be a terrific mom!

  2. I don’t normally leave comments on blogs, even friends’ and family member’s, but I wanted to share with you a similar experience in the hopes that what your father said to you might be deflated. My partner and I tried for about six years to have children, including countless IUIs and IVFs, all of which resulted in multiple miscarriages and ultimately ‘unknown reasons’ as to why I couldn’t carry. Long story short, my partner — who is also female — ended up carrying my embryo. I realize that having a partner carry vs a sister carry is different, but now almost three years after the fact, we forget sometimes that she ended up carrying our kid. In fact, the other day, she made a comment along the lines of ‘when you were pregnant…’ and I looked at her, confused for a split-second that, yes, maybe I did carry. It was a funny moment. But the point I’m getting to is that it doesn’t matter a damn who carries — whether it’s you, a surrogate, or even if it’s an adoption situation — when the baby arrives, it’s yours — all yours. You’re the one who’s going to take care of it, nurture it, love it, and raise it — no one else. So, it’s unfortunate that it was your father who said that to you, but, trust me, after many sleepless nights (even if the babe is a great sleeper!), who carried your baby doesn’t matter. Not in the least. What matters is that you open yourself up to this new experience. I found that loving a child is as though the universe has expanded inside of you — your ability to love takes up an entire galaxy.

  3. My father in law would have said the same thing, why.. I’m not sure. He’s the reason we kept our fertility struggles out of his family. My family couldn’t have been anymore supportive. I am so sorry you are going through this honey

  4. I am so sorry for the reaction of your family member. It was a beautiful post. I find it so comforting that friends and people like you so bravely share your story so people like me do not feel alone in this battle. Be filled with joy at this time knowing your miracle is growing in your sisters belly. There are so many who are on this same journey and you are making it just a difference by sharing ! Stay strong. Thank you for being brave.

  5. That took a lot of courage for you to write that post. I understand the struggle of sharing this personal information…something I have not done on fb. I agree it is easier to share with strangers (if they disagree with or infertility choices we don’t have to face/see them, and it’s not as much of an emotional stab). I think your post was absolutely beautiful. This is YOUR life, your story, your motherhood story. Yes, hands down without a doubt your sister is an absolutely amazing woman for making this all possible for you. But you do not need to share your surrogacy story. Although comments like your father made deeply hurt-I can only imagine ;( Remind yourself you are a strong woman. You have done everything to bring your baby into this world. You have the support of your husband (and all of us). Your fb post was perfect. Don’t let some stupid comments bring down yor joy and excitement for your baby. (Easier said than done, I know) just keep that positive thinking!

  6. You know what- f***k him. I am usually pretty gracious and forgiving but that comment shows a tragic lack of empathy and support. What I will tell you is you have ten million times the strength, love, and devotion to your family then he does. What that means if you can take a deep breath, feel the pain his shittiness inflicted then let it go. You will not let it take away from your joy. From this beautiful time you deserve after battling so hard. Let it go. Let him go. Focus on what matters. Let him fade. So much love to you.

  7. Oh and ps- as one of four sisters– I can tell you that you are also giving your sister a huge gift. She gets to do something so loving and amazing for you. It will make her spirit and heart full for life. I would love to be able to give someone that gift. Xo

  8. I know this feeling all too well. When I called my mom and told her about my miscarriage her reply was “what did you do?” She blamed me and still will make the occasional inappropriate comment. It hurts the worst coming from them. I want to blame their age or that generation, but it doesn’t excuse ignorance. I’m proud of you for sharing. Hang in there. Sending you love and prayers.

  9. It took a lot of courage to put yourself out there, especially in reaching out to those struggling in silence under the taboo. I’m shocked at your dad. I don’t know much about him or your relationship, but it just seems to callous and cutting for him to accuse you of trying to obscure the truth. As a man, maybe he doesn’t really get it? Hugs to you!

  10. It hurts the most coming from the people we feel should love us unconditionally. Sorry you had to go through that and it rained on your special moment announcing online.

  11. Wow, you are so courageous. I stopped using Facebook all together when our issues started, and now that we too have a miracle on the way, I still can’t bring myself to use Facebook. I’d like everyone struggling to know that they are not alone, but I am still frightened. I wish I had a fraction of your strength. You inspired and brought smiles to so many people with your post, many you probably don’t even know.

    I am not going to lie, my stomach hurts and it makes me sick to think of what your Dad just did to you. He very obviously does not understand all of the struggle and pain you have been through and the strength it took for you to even make the decision that you did. I am so so very sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I have been on the down side of some negative comments from family, but not like that. I can’t even imagine.

    I am so sorry.

    But most importantly, congrats on your little man’s upcoming arrival!

  12. Wow. I agree, your post was lovely, and in no way did you imply that you were pregnant and would be the one giving birth, so his comment doesn’t even make sense. If you decide to ever give him the time of day again, you can tell him that you didn’t feel the need to explain the details to 1100 people, you just wanted to announce the child and lend support to others suffering through infertility. It wasn’t meant to explain the whole story to everyone.

  13. Oh god, it hurts just to read this. Who the fuck is he to accuse you of pretending anything? All of this is YOURS and yours alone, to tell as much or as little as you wish. I’m so sorry your own father said that to you.

  14. Oh my gosh, I am so incredibly sorry that he said that!! It hurts whenever anyone criticizes us, but when it’s your own father, it hurts even more. And his lack of understanding and support is tragic. You deserve nothing but praise for your courage to share your story and to encourage so many other women (myself included) out there who are fighting their own battle.
    As always, sending my love!

  15. Shocking! I’ve had to deal with a lot of hatred and horrible comments also in the way our child was conceived- from family too! It’s so hard and I’m so sorry you had that happen! ❤️ Always thinking of you and praying for your family!

  16. No, no, no. I’m so sorry he doesn’t get it. His response really sucks. It sucks. It’s terrible that he cared more for your sister’s feelings than for you. I hope he learns of his mistake one day. As a mother, I don’t know how a person could ever do such a thing to their child.

    That being said, your post was beautifully stated. You said everything so perfectly and kindly, but with passion. Well done! Keep on sharing your love, even when judged, and your son will learn to love like you do.

    • AND, just because our babies may have been conceived/carried/birthed differently than others, we are no less of a mother. In fact, the sacrifices you must make to endure and persevere through all this, shows your strength and the depth of your desire to be a mother. Intentionally conceived in love with the help of science 🙂

  17. Wow. You put yourself out there, did an amazing post on Facebook.. and then my jaw actually dropped open when you wrote what your father said to you…
    I’m speechless. I can’t believe he would be that that cold. I hope one day he realizes how awful of a thing that was to say.

  18. Through years of infertility I have learned more than anything else to not judge others. Everyone is fighting a battle. And it is no one else’s place to have an opinion on yours. You should be able to be as descriptive as you want in your pregnancy announcement. Keep your head up, this is YOUR story. 🙂

  19. Well done Dreamingofdiapers. I just wanted to tell you that you inspire me—your story, your tenacity, your writing ability…

    Your father is toxic and there is only one thing to did with toxicity—stay away. Don’t feel obligated to tolerate hatred just because of blood. It sounds extreme but I recently have found a deep peace since I made a conscious choice to give my time to those who let me have joy versus those who steal it and I feel like I’ve got a new lease on life. Keep your chin up and focus on your not so little miracle.

  20. I am so, so sorry that your Father has hurt you like this. You are an Amazing, Brave Woman who is an inspiration to so many. I’m sending you huge hugs and lots of love!!!

  21. I’m so sorry, sweet friend. I know we have never met in person, but after reading your blog I can’t help, but call you a friend and an inspiration. My heart breaks for you, of all people to say something inappropriate it has to be your parent. I can’t imagine how hurt you feel and I’m sorry it’s yet one more challenge you have to face on this already emotional and exhausting journey. I’m sure it’s not easy, but use this as an example of how you don’t want to be as a parent. You will always support your child no matter the circumstance. Maybe some day you will forgive your dad, but that does not mean you ever have to forget the heartache. Love and blessings to you!

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