Nope, I didn’t.
Even though I am expecting in a couple months…I am reminded daily that I, in fact, did not beat infertility.
Instead of having a beautiful growing belly at this time, I am having my 5th operative hysteroscopy tomorrow.
I could have put it off…but I want to have this surgery over and done with before baby boy is here. I want my focus to fully be on him and not my “remarkable” uterus.
I won’t go into details but something is just not right with my uterus (shocker) and either scar tissue has grown back or a growth or who knows…but hopefully we will find out tomorrow and I will heal up to be 100% for baby boy’s arrival.
My body continues to remind me……my ego continues to remind me as well.
I’ve lived with it my entire life. I shouldn’t be surprised by its ugly head rearing when I should be the happiest in my life. In a couple of months, my child will be born. Absolutely amazing. But my ego will not let go of the fact that I didn’t win.
I personally did not beat infertility.
I am not pregnant with my child, someone else is…and my ego continues to remind me.
I know I need to just get over it.
Believe you me…I try.
Just as I tried every possible way to carry my child…I’m trying to get over it. But little(ok big) things continue to break me down. Most recently, my husband’s ex-wife will not stop asking questions. Frankly, I don’t believe she needs to know the details of how our child is conceived or born. At all. But because my husband has a daughter with her, she feels like she can ask. Which I cannot tell you how much it bothers me. I just keep thinking….if I was “normal”, we certainly wouldn’t be discussing the days we had sex to conceive our child…would we??? So why in the hell do we have to go into detail and explain everything? I already had it all figured out but now, his ex just will not stop.
And I can’t handle it.
I cannot handle my ego.
My ego says, I’m embarrassed that I cannot carry my own child. I wasn’t able to “beat infertility”.
That I cannot believe my husband was able to conceive a child so easily with someone else…..but not me.
I honestly just want to hide…hide from it all.
But I’m trying to focus…as I know…nothing else really matters except that baby growing.
It’s so easy though for others to tell me to “get over it”.
If it was only that easy.
No one can understand what someone has truly gone through unless you have been through it…period.
It blows my mind when I finally tell people about my struggle to conceive and they reply with, “I understand, it took me a long time to conceive my third child.” Ummmm…what?!? No, you don’t understand….at all…like, not one bit. And obviously, I should not have said anything to you……
It’s crazy the amount of strength you have to continue to have, even when good news is on the way….
But it’s all about that good news…that’s what I need to truly focus on…
My boy is growing in a safe environment, he’s healthy, he’s almost here….
And all that negativity…all that anger….all that sadness….that ego……starts to fade away……
I may not have “Beat Infertility”…but I found a way around it….
Finding a way around it……just remember that friends…..it’s not easy, takes patience, takes strength, takes time, it may take all you’ve got……
Good things can still happen even if you don’t “Beat Infertility”…….