Nope, I didn’t.

Even though I am expecting in a couple months…I am reminded daily that I, in fact, did not beat infertility.

Instead of having a beautiful growing belly at this time, I am having my 5th operative hysteroscopy tomorrow.

I could have put it off…but I want to have this surgery over and done with before baby boy is here. I want my focus to fully be on him and not my “remarkable” uterus.

I won’t go into details but something is just not right with my uterus (shocker) and either scar tissue has grown back or a growth or who knows…but hopefully we will find out tomorrow and I will heal up to be 100% for baby boy’s arrival.

My body continues to remind me……my ego continues to remind me as well.

My Ego.

I’ve lived with it my entire life. I shouldn’t be surprised by its ugly head rearing when I should be the happiest in my life. In a couple of months, my child will be born. Absolutely amazing. But my ego will not let go of the fact that I didn’t win.

I personally did not beat infertility.

I am not pregnant with my child, someone else is…and my ego continues to remind me.
I know I need to just get over it.
I try.

Believe you me…I try.

Just as I tried every possible way to carry my child…I’m trying to get over it. But little(ok big) things continue to break me down. Most recently, my husband’s ex-wife will not stop asking questions. Frankly, I don’t believe she needs to know the details of how our child is conceived or born. At all. But because my husband has a daughter with her, she feels like she can ask. Which I cannot tell you how much it bothers me. I just keep thinking….if I was “normal”, we certainly wouldn’t be discussing the days we had sex to conceive our child…would we??? So why in the hell do we have to go into detail and explain everything? I already had it all figured out but now, his ex just will not stop.

And I can’t handle it.

I cannot handle my ego.

My ego says, I’m embarrassed that I cannot carry my own child. I wasn’t able to “beat infertility”.

That I cannot believe my husband was able to conceive a child so easily with someone else…..but not me.

I honestly just want to hide…hide from it all.

But I’m trying to focus…as I know…nothing else really matters except that baby growing.

It’s so easy though for others to tell me to “get over it”.

If it was only that easy.

No one can understand what someone has truly gone through unless you have been through it…period.

It blows my mind when I finally tell people about my struggle to conceive and they reply with, “I understand, it took me a long time to conceive my third child.” Ummmm…what?!? No, you don’t understand….at all…like, not one bit. And obviously, I should not have said anything to you……

It’s crazy the amount of strength you have to continue to have, even when good news is on the way….

But it’s all about that good news…that’s what I need to truly focus on…

My boy is growing in a safe environment, he’s healthy, he’s almost here….

And all that negativity…all that anger….all that sadness….that ego……starts to fade away……

I may not have “Beat Infertility”…but I found a way around it….

Finding a way around it……just remember that friends…..it’s not easy, takes patience, takes strength, takes time, it may take all you’ve got……

But remember…..

Good things can still happen even if you don’t “Beat Infertility”…….




25 Comments on I Didn’t “Beat Infertility”

  1. Wow, that sounds hard to deal with…I’m sorry you have to put up with that. It’s absolutely none of her business. As an outsider, I see someone like you, who has fought so hard to get where you are, as being incredibly strong and someone to be admired. Remind yourself that you are an inspiration! Wishing you the very best of luck with your surgery tomorrow. I hope your recovery goes smoothly and that whatever problem you’re experiencing gets fixed.

    • Thank you Myriam! Just makes it that much more difficult having to deal with her too. Appreciate your support!! xoxo

  2. We are lucky to live in a time where these medical miracles are available to us but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the reality of having a gestational carrier for your baby.

    You probably know this already but it doesn’t hurt to hear it: you’re incredibly strong and resilient because you are still fighting. None of the dumb comments or intrusive questions you get matter as much as keeping mentally focused on the beautiful bundle you’ll get to hold in just a few months… and take home… and keep forever because it will be your baby.

    Good luck with your surgery tomorrow! Hope you have a quick recovery.

    • Thanks Jivf…yes, I totally agree. We are very blessed to live in a time where these treatments are available but it is still tough…especially when having to explain so much to so many…exhausting. I am focusing on my boy….he’s the one that has gotten me through all of these years and I just cannot wait to meet him…and thank him for forcing me to keep fighting for him. Appreciate your support!

  3. I understand your pain . making babies is the primal thing for woman but when you realize you can’t do the basic woman thing you feel empty and incomplete and no matter how else you become mother through surrogacy or adoption the emptiness willl always be there . But do remember the love of child will filll it away in split seconds before you wonder whose uterus they came from ,thats the magic of motherhood. it dosent care wheather they are white or brown or asian african or came from your uterus or mine cause you are the mother and he is your child 😀 Thats all there’s to it. You ve been inspiration for my struggle i vent beaten the infertility yet but iam not giving up either.I am praying for your surgery to be successful and help you conceive a beautiful happy healthy children.

    • Thank you Ameena! I’m so glad I can help inspire…that’s the whole reason why I started this blog years ago. Appreciate your support! xoxo

  4. Although I don’t understand what using a surrogate is like I do understand hating the fact that my husband easily conceived a child with someone else but we couldn’t. (We did IVF to get our baby boy, after other stuff failed.) I know those feelings won’t ever go away but when you hold him in your arms it will take away some of that pain. Best of luck with your surgery and I hope your recovery goes smoothly.

    • Thanks Amie…yes, it is all tough and tougher when you have others butting their noses in your personal business. But I cannot wait to hold him in my arms…safe and healthy…appreciate your support! xoxo

  5. When I lost my Mom, some well-intentioned friends told me they what knew what I was going through because they had lost a grandparent. You are so right that no one knows what it is like unless they have been through it. Continue to remind yourself of how lucky (blessed?) you are to have a surrogate. Somewhere out there is a woman who cannot afford infertility treatments, let alone someone to carry their child. Can’t wait to meet him on here!

  6. That ex-wife-factor sure does complicate things, huh? I can empathize with the feelings of inadequacy and injustice, but I have to believe that when you are mother to your son, many of these feelings about pregnancy will subside. Winning, losing, beating and being beaten are all relative. I hope that when you’re figuring out day care and meeting in your mommy groups and cleaning up vomit that much of this will be in the rearview. XO

    • Thanks A…yes, the ex-factor…like we we didn’t already have enough to deal with? And I can imagine that once he is in my arms, all of this will not matter. Sometimes, I don’t want to post these feelings…because it makes me feel like I’m complaining and what do I have to complain about? I have a healthy baby boy on the way…nothing else should matter. You are always on my mind…there are a certain few bloggers that I cannot wait to read good news from and you are one of them at the top….please keep us updated..lots of love…xoxo

      • Ah, well you should pop by my post from today 😉 And don’t feel bad about complaining. This is your experience, and this is your space to process! I wrote a post (at the time) about dealing with really intense (more than normal) pregnancy nausea that had me dry-heaving in parking lots. Why should struggling to conceive mean you have to keep a stiff upper lip through things that are genuinely challenging?

  7. Wow, I can’t believe I’ve only just today found your blog . . .we are twins. I have the same lining issues and been through most of what you have (the hysteroscopies, the GCSF washes etc). AND I’m expecting via GC in two months! It all really clicked for me one day when my RE was discussing how much more to put myself through, and he asked “Do you want a pregnancy or do you want a baby? Because if you want a baby you need a gestational carrier.” And that was it, and I’ve never looked back. CONGRATS to you and I’m thinking about you and your little one!

    • Thank you Annika….WOW…we are twins! That was what I had to decide too…and it was a no brainer…I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be pregnant. You understand my feelings…but our little ones will be here soon! Congrats to you too!! Please keep me updated!! xoxo

  8. Oh friend. I am so sorry for all of these emotions. I hate that you have to have surgery tomorrow too. You are right, there are still good things happening. xoxo

    • Thank you Caroline…you are always here to give support and I really appreciate it. I’m healing well…never fun to go under for surgery but I’m happy it’s over and I can move on. Always thinking of you and praying your miracle is on his/her way soon…xoxo

  9. I can’t believe he’s only a couple months away from arriving! I’m sorry you have to deal with a nosy ex-wife. That has to be so irritating. You’re right, many of us can’t beat infertility, we just need to find our way around it. 🙂

    • Thank you Dawn! I know…crazy right!? Always thinking of you…we are finding a way around it! Lots of love to you…xoxo

  10. So sorry to hear about the drama and the surgery 🙁 praying for you, praying for your heart and as always, praying for your son who will be in YOUR arms soon! Lots of love! Xo

  11. I’m glad to read that the surgery went well and you can now focus on healing and getting healthy. I want to say I’m sorry for your struggle, but I know there are not enough sorry’s in the world to heal the pain in your heart and your Ego. Us women dealing with infertility not only have the physical pain of tests and exams, but also the emotional pain of disappointment, body betrayal and helplessness. It’s not fair and it sucks, there’s nothing easy about it. I think it’s healthy for you to write about it and you are right, some people will never get it. I use to get mad about people’s ignorance and it still annoys me, but it’s not their struggle to know. People may disagree with me, but I feel I was chosen to endure this infertility journey, because God knows I am strong enough to keep fighting. I also think he chose me and husband, because through all these trials and tribulations we have build an unbreakable bond. Your husband may have an ex and the baby came easily for her, but remember she is an EX for a reason. Your infertility journey is with your amazing and supportive husband and the bond between you will never be broken. You two have succeeded in one of life’s most difficult obstacles and came out winners! Cheers and prayers to your beautiful baby boy. Xoxo

  12. Thanks for writing this! Nobody will inderstand us unless they have gone through it! I did not beat infertility! I tried everything under the sun, any procedure you can think of, any medication you can name and nothing worked! After all that we cannot afford surrogacy so at this point I feel like infertility beat me! I am living a never ending nightmare that there is no way I can wake up from. And all people say is I understand how you feel! Nope you dont. You got pregnant the minute you decided. You carried your baby. You did not have a miscarriage. IVF worked for you the first try, 2nd try, 3rd or 4th try.

    Enjoy your beautiful boy! You are right there was a way around it. I am sooo so happy for you 🙂

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