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I know, I said I wouldn’t do it (leave you all hanging…)

So, I am sorry…but I have a good reason.

We moved…to a different state…that I only visited once…

And I have been a bit overwhelmed…..

I’ve lived in California for 14 years…I basically grew up there and now…it’s all new..so I’m trying to adjust….

But I am back…still not settled in yet…but back in the blog world and ready to get you all up-to-date.

So without further ado, Baby Joy is still wonderful…we are halfway there and I cannot believe it…..honestly, takes my breath away…

Having someone else carry your child is surreal. In so many ways. From the beginning stages, now and I’m sure beyond…it’s a feeling that is hard to explain really.

But I’ll try….

Disclaimer: Now, first and foremost, I am so happy to be having a child soon. I cannot say it enough. So, I don’t want this post to reflect any sort of unacceptable complaining when someone is expecting. Many instances in this blog world, I would read updates from women struggling with infertility and once they got pregnant, all they did was complain……..um…yeah…no. So please, see this as an education on the gestational surrogacy process. A real version. Since many of you will fortunately not have to experience gestational surrogacy and go on to have happy, healthy pregnancies, via IVF or another route, being a supportive audience in this realm is all I ask…thank you.. xo

So obviously, my number one goal and dream in all of this was to bring my child into this world healthy and safe. So far, so good.

But I’m still not pregnant.

I don’t get the loving looks. I don’t get the random congratulations when a stranger looks at me. I don’t get the extra attention in public. I don’t get to have excuses for being tired or having cravings. I don’t get to experience feeling my little one grow inside of my womb.

I already did not get to experience the “natural” way to create a child…instead, I had to endure numerous rounds of IVF, FET’s, surgeries and still no pregnancy for me.

What brought this feeling on was a visit to a baby store. I went with my Mom and my sister surrogate. My sis is amazing(obviously, no explanation necessary.) And there is no one else I would rather have carrying my baby. But walking into the store, I immediately feel like I wanted to walk out. The saleswomen walks up to my sister, obviously because her bump is now showing and asks when her baby is due.

I, on the other hand, am invisible to the saleswoman at the baby store.

My sis looks at me uncomfortably, wondering if she should explain to a random stranger one of the most personal stories one could tell and I just shake my head. I wander away trying to just focus on picking some things out so we can get out of there without more questions.

But her questions continued.

How many kids do you already have? Are you having a boy or a girl? How exciting to have a third child on the way..how are the other two going to adjust?

Can you say awkward??…..

And I know this may not be a big deal to a lot of you….but I’ve always dreamed of going to the baby store with my Mom and sis and picking things out for my child. It’s supposed to be something that I was looking forward to after all of the crap I’ve been through…but it is what it is and this is my reality. Once again, not what I thought.

I’m just not one to explain to every single stranger my entire infertility life story in one sentence. Sure, it could be simple. I could have just told the saleswoman, “Actually, it’s my baby. Yes, my sister is carrying my baby, in her womb because I cannot carry my child due to medical complications.”

Ummmm…but no thank you. Really none of her business. And I know it’s not her fault either.

But the reality of it is, is that I’ve felt very guarded about my infertility and the extent of it . I know many of you are very open about your struggles and I admire that more than you know. I wish I could just bust out and tell everyone, everything that I have been through…but it’s not me.

You see…because NOTHING has changed with me yet.

I am still infertile. I am still not pregnant. I still do not have a child.

I am still waiting for something bad to happen because it always does….horrible even typing that…but it’s the way I feel.

I’ve always been on the wrong side of the statistics. I last wrote a little about that here. So though I may be feeling invisible now….in my heart, I know I am anything but that…

I am slowly beginning to understand that I have an extraordinary, complicated, uncomfortable story.

And it needs to be seen…it needs to be told.

I have put something together that I have shared with family and I am trying to get the courage to share it with you all and others.

Staying invisible is not something that I want to be.

Others need to know what I’ve been through….what WE have been through. Though all might not understand, that’s the risk we take…

And what’s life without risks?

A quote that is becoming one of my favorites right now is,

“One of the biggest risks in life is not taking one.”

So, I will leave you with that….next post I might take that risk. You might learn more about me.

I may not be invisible anymore.

35 Comments on A Moving Apology & Being Invisible

  1. Great post. That must have been so hard. We may well be considering surrogacy in the future and yes I can so imagine grieving the loss of that part of the experience. Though I know that the thing I want most is a child. Please do share your more about yourself. You’re not invisible to me. X

    • Thank you and I’m so sorry to read about your last transfer ๐Ÿ™ So tough. But it takes time to heal. If you have any questions though, in the future about surrogacy, please feel free to ask. I want to help everyone bring their child safe into this world. Appreciate your sweets words. Thinking of you! xo

  2. I hear you and I feel like I can “see” you while reading your posts and feeling the pain we have in common by not yet having our own babies. You are not invisible and you are very loved! Hanging on till she gets here and you tell us the great news and see her in your arms,
    Sara

    • Thank you Sara….but I haven’t said if Baby Joy is a she or a he ๐Ÿ˜‰ I think you have your guess in though..ha! Appreciate your support and I’m trying to take it one day at a time and focus on what is really important…and that’s my healthy Baby Joy that is growing as we speak…thank you and thinking of you too! xoxo

  3. First thing first. Congratulations that YOUR baby is halfway to your arms. But I can only imagine the complex emotions you are feeling. It must be so hard not to feel seen or acknowledged after how hard you have fought, how much you have sacrificed. You are already the most incredible and selfless Mommy. I want you to know it is totally ok to share the hard stuff here. We are here to listen and support you. So much love. Xo

    • Mamajo! Thank you….I know…I should just focus, focus, focus on the wonderful miracle that is growing in my sister and just block everyone and everything else out…I’m trying, but some days, it just gets to me…and this was one of those days. I usually don’t let things like that get to me…and yes, not being seen or acknowledged is something I deal with every day. But again…focus focus….Baby Joy is on the way…and that is what I’ve always wanted..a healthy baby in the end…nothing is the way I thought in regards to bringing my child into the world…so why should that be different now. Appreciate your support SO much…so much love to you and always thinking of you friend!! xoxo

  4. I really appreciated this post. I find it so valuable and helpful to hear people talk about all the realities of infertility– not just the idealized parts/success stories/etc.

    In addition to describing your trip to the baby store, which was so real and honest, this paragraph resonated with me:
    “But the reality of it is, is that Iโ€™ve felt very guarded about my infertility and the extent of it . I know many of you are very open about your struggles and I admire that more than you know. I wish I could just bust out and tell everyone, everything that I have been throughโ€ฆbut itโ€™s not me.”

    I am still in the “infertility closet” and while I admire those who are “out,” it’s incredibly hard for me.

  5. Your feelings are completely valid. It took a lot of strength to come to terms with not carrying your baby and moving treatment toward surrogacy, and it becomes that much harder when it’s a constant reminder throughout the pregnancy. There will always be people who ask too many questions and poke insensitively at sore points.

    I had a friend who went shopping with an expectant sibling and called the store ahead of time not to ask questions about the baby since they had just found out it had down syndrome and were still processing. The clerk appreciated knowing the info in advance and couldn’t have been more lovely. I’m not saying everyone should air their laundry all the time, but if there’s a way to have a better experience by just mentioning it in advance it’s one way to curb the sting.

    Congrats on your move and reaching the halfway point. How exciting!!

  6. I can’t even imagine how awful that must have felt. While I AM one to blurt out my story in a sentence or two, I totally understand not wanting to or just not having the energy to deal with the reactions. Offering lots of love and support.

  7. I can’t imagine how hard it must be! I totally understand why you feel the way you do and I wish there was something I could say that would help. Infertility is a condition where words seldom comfort. As I’m sure you’ve heard a billion times already, once your baby is in your arms, that joy will surpass the pain you feel now. I know you know that and saying it may not be helpful but it’s something to look forward to. I’m constantly praying for you, your husband, your baby, and your sister. Lots of love! Xxx

  8. I understand what you mean about feeling invisible. I think most of us dealing with infertility have felt something similar. For me, the pain hits home when someone says, you have been married for seven years, why don’t you have children? It’s like a knife slicing your heart. I want to tell that person, if you only knew…I am open about my situation, but for me it depends on where I am and who I want to share it with, not everyone needs to know or will understand. I honestly think you are one of the bravest people around. You have a blog about something so personal, others would never dare to write about. You have truly lived the infertility struggle in more ways than most and I view it as a badge of honor. Through the heartache you never gave up and I believe that is the testament of what it means to be a good mother. I try to remind myself, this infertility struggle is preparing me for the most difficult, exciting, fulfilling, life changing experience of being an amazing parent. You’re already a fabulous mom and baby Joy is your beautiful prize. Love to you and your family! ๐Ÿ’•

  9. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be, and I do not think you are complaining at all. It’s the reality of the situation and I’m glad you shared. Wishing you all the best as you become comfortable in sharing your story. I am thankful to follow your updates and so excited for your upcoming baby!!

  10. Absolutely this. I shopped frequently with my surro sister in law and she got all the questions and looks and I stood quietly by. I’m also not one to happily tell my deeply personal story to random nosy strangers. It gets easier once the baby’s here although you still get birth questions, if you can believe ppl are that nosy about what is essentially asking about your vaginally (!!!), they do ask but it’s easier to shrug those questions off and to focus on the baby. Not long to go. You can do this. X

  11. Not to dismiss your sadness, but this vaguely reminds me of the wise old ladies in my life who told me when I was all worked up about some minor wedding-planning detail that the day was fleeting and the marriage was what counted (and that I had a great guy). And, you know, it feels like EVERYTHING at the time, and its a major rite of passage, and brides have a right to be emotional, and memories of the wedding day last forever – yeah, all true. BUT I have a feeling when the current changes and you bring that kid home, many of these feelings will be blunted. XO

  12. I hate that you had to add a disclaimer…I just blogged about this today, the fact that some people frown upon sharing every aspect of the journey, which would include the negative. You know, I never once considered the fact that you don’t get to go through the “ooh’s and aaah’s” of pregnancy. Sure you get the prize in the end, but the JOURNEY, you are still missing. And that would make me feel invisible too. I love how you shared this. Thank you for a different perspective on surrogacy.

  13. Thank you so much for sharing and for the update. I’ve missed you on Instagram and on your blog. I’m so glad everything is continuing to go well with the baby and your sister. My husband and I will be starting our surrogacy journey very soon and you are a HUGE inspiration for me. I’m sorry that we both will miss out on all the wonderful joys (and pains) of pregnancy. Hopefully when we finally hold that miracle in our arms….it will wipe away any pain, jealousy, sorrow and anger we have felt through this difficult journey.

  14. I love your blog and your stories. Sincerely, I find strength reading your story of hope, faith, and action to accomplish what you want, a baby. I love the name “Dreaming of Diapers”; it could do a great book or even a movie!

  15. I, too, am experiencing a lot of these same emotions. Yes, we are so blessed to have a gestational carrier, but the awkward questions that ensue after I say I’m not carrying my own child often makes me want to run away. What you and I are both feeling is natural, and should be expected. It’s difficult to feel removed, even though we’ve endured so much already. Sending love your way!

  16. What you are doing is so incredibly hard. Pay no mind to anyone who implies anything else.

    You are so strong.

    I’ve become an open book with all our “stuff” that we have gone and are going through. It’s a little “naked” feeling that comes after feeling “invisible” but so many people have jumped in to have conversations with me. I feel they are becoming more aware and less ignorant about this than they once were.

    I hope they will send people my way if they know of someone needing support or that they will at least come to me if they ever don’t know what to say to someone else experiencing this stuff.

    One day soon, you will get the looks that I now get when my toddler throws a tantrum in public and I laugh while holding him anyway I can and walk as calmly and quickly as I can to a private place. It’s rather comical at this point. And ridiculous. But you will know that fun soon, too. ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. I know this has to be so hard on you. I have found that being open and sharing (even with strangers) has helped me so much and I found others along the way in doing so that related with my story. Maybe you’ll decide to do the same, or maybe not, but whatever you decide, just know you aren’t invisible.

  18. What a powerful post. So raw. You are one strong lady. I admire you and wish nothing but the best. I hope to get to learn more about YOU!

  19. I remember during Kelly’s pregnancy (prior to my “shock pregnancy) walking around Buy Buy Baby and someone asked me if I needed help with shopping for a gift on a registry. My heart sank and I remember just saying, no thank you and walking off. And it hit me every time after that. You’ve been through so much, and you, my friend, are so incredibly strong. Enjoy this pregnancy. You may not have the belly, but it still yours. xoxoxo

  20. Hugs to you. It really sucks how little we get to dictate in this process and I always say unless they have been through it people just don’t get it. I had friend who really wanted a natural birth and because the baby was breech she had to have a c section. She was devaststed. At the end of the day she had a healthy baby and I just couldn’t get why she was so upset that she didn’t get the exact birth experience she wanted when the end result was the same. Well obviously going through infertility/surrogacy is much different but I get it. Everyone has a plan or vision of how they want their experience to be and it sucks when we can’t get it through no fault of our own or for lack of trying and praying. Anyway not sure what I’m trying to say but know that you are heard.

  21. Oh sweetie. I’m sorry you had to experience that. I think you owe it to yourself to simply tell stars gets that ask that she is your surrogate. You would be surprise how some people gravitate to that and express their joy for you both. It’s tough always waiting for the other shoe to drop, been there done that, and as much as you try to just stay positive some negativity always creeps up. Try as hard as you can to allow pure excitement and give your worries to God. Love following your journey and always thinking of you.

  22. I hate this for you. I hate the invisible-ness of it all but I have no doubts that once you are holding your baby, that feeling will be redeemed!

    Ps I was just emailing you because I am coming to CA and wanted to see you ๐Ÿ˜” Where are you now?

  23. That experience in the store sounds awful! The good news is that once you have your baby in your arms people will tell you how great you look, and you can just smile smugly back at them! Why, yes, thank you, I do look amazing for having a newborn.

  24. I know exactly how you feel. We aren’t expecting, but we will be opening our home to foster kids. We are first time parents so we did the whole registry thing. The sales people did not fawn over us. No questions were asked. Sorry you are feeling that way hun.

  25. Spot on and so accute to the feelings that surrogacy brings. What I’ve been feeling in the wait to be matched (wish I had a fantastic sister like you) is overwhelming loveliness. Because everything you’ve written leaves us in a place all alone.

    Society just has to catch up with our miracles. Xo

  26. Sending you love and wishing you all the best things for you and your husband and baby. Not an easy road is a complete understatement of your journey. Whoever thought this would all be so hard eh? I just want to thank you for your honesty and openness and updates on your story. You are a strong, amazing woman!

  27. I understand what you are going through ; i have dreams all the time of me with a big belly .. with a gliw and where people are making me feel special …. it must be hard ; the good news is soon you will have your baby in ur arms and that will be the best feeling in the world !!!
    Be strong ๐Ÿ™‚

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